Exercise (Exercises floods your body with amazingly helpful chemicals)
Serving the person you're upset with (Surprise him or her!)
Nature (negative ions from trees or water are huge for breakthrough!)
Time (It’s amazing how your perspective can change as the minutes/hours go by).
Gratitude (Counting your blessings vs. your complaints raises your mind & heart)
Uplifting Music (Listening and/or singing)
Prayer,(talking it out with God) Meditation (Listening to his “still small voice”)
A combination of any of the above
See complete notes on the above list in "Supplementary Notes" at the bottom of this page.
The Walk List is a beginner’s collection from the complete Breakthrough collage. It was especially designed moments of feeling “flooded” (a John Gottman term). Working through this list will quickly restore you to sanity and make you safe to be around.
If you're reading or listening to this right now, chances are you've had a pretty rough night (or day) and are getting some time out. Good for you! You're heading in the right direction- and I'm not talking about away from your loved one. I'm talking about away from your upset, blame, anger, victim story and discouragement and back to your real self.
Hopefully, with your attention to this "Walk List" and the help of a loving Father in Heaven, you can return to your loved one in 30 minutes (or so) in much better condition than you left.
Move through the possibilities below in any order, as you are inspired. If you're using the recording, pause anytime you'd like and as much as needed to work through the options.
1) What kind of story am I telling myself ? i.e.
"If she loved me she wouldn't being doing this."
"I must not be that important to him."
"He or she will never understand what I need."
"I'll never perform well enough to get his or her love or approval."
"Based on what he or she is doing or did, or said, I guess I'm just nothing."
"What's the use? I will never be able to make her happy."
"This is just more proof that he doesn't cherish me, that I'll never be a priority" etc.
Write down, or say, one of the above, or whatever negative thought is tumbling around in your mind and then ask;
"Is what I’m telling myself true?"
Quietly listen for an answer.
Then ask, “So what is the truth?"
Pause and then write or say "The truth is that _______________."
The truth is that he or she is afraid that I don't love her.
The truth is, I am a child of God and am safe in His love, even though my loved ones may at times be working through their fears, and even pointing their stuff at me.
The truth is that we simply misunderstood each other and that we need to start that conversation over again when we're both feeling peaceful.
The truth is that my spouse needs more of my patience and more of my loving guidance.
etc. (whatever comes to you).
2) What is it that I really need from my spouse or partner ? (Facing your dark fears)
When your loved one isn't there for you, in the way you need, you will face a fear of disconnection, which is usually the real issue (not his or her misbehavior). It can be helpful to face this fear so that you don't go off into other trumped up issues, all fueled by this one fear.
So talk directly to this person (in your mind), addressing him or her by name and completing this sentence:
“___________ (his or her first name), what I really need from you is...”
Repeat the sentence again: “What I need from you, so much is....”
What I really need from you, is:
...to know you'll never leave me.
...to feel respected.
...to feel your love.
...to feel like a priority.
Facing these fears brings you deeper to your inner experience and naturally moves you away from your anger or blame toward your spouse or partner.
3) To what degree am I wanting something from my spouse (or partner) that he or she is unable or unwilling to give? (So this is a look at how controlling I'm being).
Have I convinced myself that if my partner would just __________ I would feel better?
Is that true?
Can I ever really heal what's hurting inside of me by controlling him or her?
If my spouse cooperated with what I need from him or her, what would that make me feel?
How is making my spouse the solution to problems working out for me, or for him or her? (In other words, If I tend to not feel like I'm enough, how is it working for me to insist that he or she make me feel like I am enough?).
Does my spouse control what I feel?
How possible is it that I already have (or could have) whatever it is I feel I need from my wife?
Am I being inviting and creating enrollment or am I just being controlling?
To what degree am I willing to give up my fit, quiet my mind, draw closer to God and get back to the centering questions?
4) How is this person's behavior a mirror of some of my own behavior?
What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would cause him or her to _________________?
Go deep on this one. The more you can see yourself in your partner, the more negative energy you will release. What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would cause him or her to _______ (the behavior that’s upsetting you)?”
“What is it that he or she wants or is afraid of that would make him or her ________________ (whatever you put in the previous blank etc.
Go as many levels as necessary to find the intersection. Ask Heavenly Father to forgive you for the part of you that you have not forgiven in yourself- the part of you you’ve been hiding from the grace of Christ, and consequently, projecting onto your partner).
5) What am I not seeing?
What am I not seeing? (in general). [Wait for an answer.] This first "What am I not seeing?" question is often the best, as is.
What am I not seeing about what this person really wants or needs?
What am not seeing about what this person is afraid of?
What am I not seeing about what I'm afraid of or what I need?
What am I not seeing about who this person really is?
What am I not seeing about who I really am, and what I already have- deep inside of me- regardless of what my spouse is doing or not doing- saying or not saying?
What am I not seeing about what's going on in this person's life?
What am I not seeing about what's going on in my own life?
What am I not seeing about why I am responding like this? or,
Heavenly Father, what is it I need to know?”
Guided Tour: Ask your Heavenly Father to give you a guided tour through your spouse's heart. Ask Him to lead you into the different rooms of his or her life and experiences, his or her fears, or buried feelings. God can and will show much to the humble and pure heart.
6) How did I create this problem and/or how am I still creating it?
Which of the following could apply to you?
___ Controlling (bugging, nagging, arguing or trying to get my way).
___ Criticizing, complaining or showing disappointment (even an implication of disappointment).
___ Checked out, not attentive or responsive.
___ Blaming, judging, comparing etc.
___ Too many answers. Not enough questions. Not enough listening and empathy.
___ Not sensitive to his or her needs or feelings.
___ Not putting his or her needs first.
___ Thoughtless, reckless in the way I talk, panicked, angry or hysterical. Not careful.
___ Moralizing and lecturing instead of listening, encouraging and supporting.
___ Being defensive about any of the above, instead of being repentant & apologizing.
7) How can I be the solution? (List the ways)
Instead of living in blame & looking to my spouse or partner as the cause of our problem and as holding the keys for the cure, how can I cure this? How can I be the solution?
Get present with how compelling your hallucination is that this is about him or her! Pray to be free of this and to have God open your heart to a view of yourself as the cause and pray for the strength to rise up as the solution!
What are some ways you could be the solution?
Consider the following:
___ Initiating a "Love seat" or a "Real Conversation."
___ Mastering "Managing Incoming"
___ Being true to the principles of mutual respect, one issue at a time, using an issues list, issues management meetings and other Path of Peace principles.
___ Praying for humility.
___ Learning to take time out and take a walk vs. firing back.
___ Making sure that his or her needs are met, financially, emotionally, recreationally, sexually and spiritually.
___ Looking for more ways to serve him or her (even asking him or her for ideas i.e. "How can I love you best today?")
___ Asking God to fill your heart with forgiveness, love, leadership, patience, etc. whatever it is you need to lead your relationship on to victory!
From LDS - ARP)
"Is there anything I can say or do, without pretense, which will lead to a respectful solution for me and ___________ (spouse, child, friend etc.)?"
Note: If you still have your knickers in a knot after all of the above (or if you have long standing emotional wounds you are working through), you could consider the complete intermediate or advanced breakthrough methods. Schedule at least an hour and go to: pathofpeace.org/breakthrough
For one on one breakthrough training, schedule an appointment with John (Text Narelle @ 801 548 8212).
Why is this called the “Walk List
There was once a very old man, about 96, living in a small community. A local paper did a story on him. He was asked, “What’s your secret to long life.” His answer: “When I first got married, I promised myself that whenever I became upset with my wife, instead of getting angry or saying something I didn’t mean, I would take a walk. So, all the fresh air is the reason I’m so healthy.”