Divorce worksheet

Should I, or shouldn't I? 

Please print and fill out this worksheet, or just answer the questions in your heart and mind.


Top 4 life goals and how this divorce will support (or lead to) these goals:
Note: It’s possible that for you, getting a divorce actually could support some of your core goals.  If that’s not true, leave these boxes blank.  The point of this is simply to ask yourself hard questions and to have an honest conversation with yourself.    


Life Goal #1) __________________________________________________________

How this divorce will support (or lead to) this goal:

____________________________________________________________________


Life Goal #2) __________________________________________________________

How this divorce will support (or lead to) this goal:

____________________________________________________________________


Life Goal #3) __________________________________________________________

How this divorce will support (or lead to) this goal:

____________________________________________________________________

Goal #4) _____________________________________________________________

How this divorce will support (or lead to) this goal

____________________________________________________________________
 


Names of your children:

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________
 

From 1 to 10 (10 being greatest), this divorce will assist my children in:
Note: It’s possible that in your situation these numbers are high.  This survey is simply a chance for you to have an honest conversation with yourself.

1-10

___ Emotional stability.

___ Self confidence.

___ Trusting the world around them - feeling the security of knowing that those they love most- those they need the most will do whatever it takes to come through for them.

___ Career success

___ Physical health

___ Intimate relationships of their own in the future

 

From 1 - 10 (10 being the most), how true are the following statements for you?  How much do these statements reflect your feelings?

___ As I consider divorcing my spouse, I feel somewhat relieved.

___ Being with him or her has been so trying and so frustrating that I am looking forward to some peace.

___ I feel that with the absence of conflict I will be able to grow more, spiritually and emotionally.

___ I have struggled with my boundaries (By this, I mean that I have struggled in living in the “centering questions” i.e. what I’m willing to do?, what I’m not willing to do?, what I think is best for everyone?, what am I not seeing?, and what do I want?)  When I do try to live inside these questions, my spouse doesn't seem to respect my boundaries!   

___ I've tried to be peaceful and encouraging in my effort to create something that works for both of us with our issues, but my spouse is very hard to work with and seems stuck in his or her way of thinking.  

___ I'm not sure if my spouse has the ability or willingness to create something that works for both of us (on one or more issues). 

___ I don’t love my spouse anymore.  How can I remain married if I don’t love him or her?

___ I've lost the trust needed to have a good marriage and I'm not sure I'm willing to give him or her a chance to build this trust back up.  I've been down that road.  He or she has led me down too many times.   I deserve better than this.

___ I truly feel that we just aren’t a good match.  He or she seems like a good enough person, but just not for me.

___ My spouse has faults that I’m not longer willing to live with.

___ I think we would both be much happier without each other.

___ I would be happier as a result of divorcing my spouse.

___ If I do divorce I look forward to finding love in another relationship.


Note: The above statements will help you in measuring what we call “running” energy.   If you have higher numbers on any of these questions, this is something to look at.  

In life, we either embrace the opportunity for growth and transcendence that is before us or we run from it (energetically, though we may appear to be very peaceful on the outside).  Running from the karma we have attracted into our life (the opportunity for growth, love and transcendence) results in running INto an even deeper karma.

 

This is Dr. Laura’s list of reasons why Divorce could make sense:

1) Chronic, blatant abuse with no interest in anger management training  (We’re not talking about some name calling during a fight here and and there.).

2) Spouse has had an affair(s) (and I would add, is not willing to take whatever steps are necessary to insure zero repeats i.e. coaching, increasing his or her spirituality etc.)

3) Spouse is an addict (and again, is not willing to take steps toward recovery).

4) Spouse suffers from a mental illness (I would add: to the degree that he or she is dangerous)

5) Spouse refuses to get help or follow through with therapy (or marriage coaching).

 

Which of the above feels like the reason you want a divorce? 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5
 

Do you believe you have done all in your power to assist your spouse in getting through one or more of the above?   ____ ___ Yes     ___ No

 

Dr. Laura says that “...a good three quarters of people who divorce regret it.  Maybe not immediately, but 10 years later, they do.”

Especially when it comes to your children, to what degree are you absolutely sure that divorce is the best and highest course for everyone involved?    

___ 100% sure    ____ 50% sure     ____ 0% sure

 

Two Paths

There are two paths toward happiness;  The easier path and the harder path.  

The easier path  
is to eliminate a challenging situation that seems to be making you unhappy.  

The harder path is to master whatever principles and skills seem to be calling to you in this trying situation- to see the challenge all the way through- to overcome every weakness this situation is bringing out in you and to know that in all of this, you have become the greatest version of yourself possible.   

Both the easier and harder path can lead to happiness.   I am suggesting that the harder path leads to a higher happiness- a greater happiness.  It is the happiness, not of a different circumstance (which can be nice), but of becoming a different person.

If you are successful in walking this higher path, especially in terms of mastering your own personal boundaries, remaining in peace and coming through as your spouses greatest supporter… if you walk this road, and your spouse doesn’t, you won’t have to divorce him or her.  He or she will find his or her own way out and you will be the recipient, at this point, of anything the easier path had to offer (i.e. a new, perhaps better circumstance) and everything the harder path has to over- transcendence, deep peace and the joy of overcoming this world that few will ever know.

What are 7 ways you can think of right now, and/or 7 things you could do (that are in your power to do) that could result in 1) finding the genuine peace and happiness you want and 2) saving your marriage and therefore creating a more emotionally secure future for your children (and their children, and their children’s children).
 

 

Think.  Breathe.  Pray.   Act vs. react.  

Remember that the heart is a treacherous friend at times.  Don’t be deceived by feelings of seeming “peace.”  In most cases, what feels like “peace” is actually “relief.”  

In ancient text, the Lord of the vineyard (troubled by his withering orchard) kept going back to save his beloved trees.  “It grieveth me” he said “that I should lose this tree” (or in your case, “this marriage- this family”).

 

What most people feel isn’t grief.  It’s relief.  This is understandable.  But don’t mistake it for the real peace of transcendence.  

Let your grief turn you back to your loved one (back to the orchard) (vs. the relief of starting over with a new one) - but this time, with your personal boundaries, meaning your willingness to patiently and lovingly guide your loved one toward a relationship that works for you too (including your unwavering commitment to coaching for as long as it takes).  

Can this be done?   Is it possible?   Is there still hope?   if he or she hasn’t already made up his or her mind that it’s over-  If your spouse isn’t involved with someone else- if you’re spouse is willing to get help for his or her addiction- if you’re spouse is willing to continue in coaching- if your spouse is sincere (albeit very wounded and afraid)- if he or she is still sincere in wanting to get it right (even if he or she is half sincere), then there isn’t a question about it.

 

It’s possible  It can be done.  It just takes you.


 

www.pathofpeace.org