Negative Free

Part 1) No Whining - Part 2) Healthy Venting

Introduction

As humans, we tend to be whiners. It seems to flow through our veins. It’s a familiar but bitter bath we seek to return to because in the vapid wasteland of our sometimes ineffectual lives, it provides a little something to fill the emptiness. In this sense, it’s kind of a secret addiction- a little fix we return to off and on throughout each day.

But it’s time for a new path- negative free. This starts with a stark view of life’s landscape:

In every moment, I'm either choosing to be proactive or choosing to be reactive.

Reaction vs. is what Brigham Young describes as handing out “bad fruit” (See statement below). Negative Free is group support to break free from our addiction to whining and complaining and feed our hunger for solutions and contribution- to shower our world with good fruit!

The Agreement

Part 1 - No Whining

If you’re not going to do anything about it, don’t talk about it! What’s the point?

1) If there's no purposeful, proactive reason for saying something, don't say it! Your reactivity builds a wall around your heart- keeping the fullness of what life has to offer, out.

2) Complaints need to be converted into action plans (in your personal life), or (interpersonally) into specific, affirmative requests. Otherwise it’s just whining.

For example, If you say something to a friend about a political issue, you need to be walking over to your computer, as you speak- ready to sit down to write a letter to your senator. Now, what might have been bad fruit, has some goodness to it- has some pro-action, not just reaction.

3) In seeking solutions, reconnection or even a desire to guide someone toward positive change, first take whatever angst, blame or accusation is interwoven into this situation to God, to work out your ill feelings. Then take your solution to your friend or co-worker.

Part 2 - Healthy Venting

1) Give as little background as possible.

2) Don’t vent to anyone who would be able to guess who you’re venting about (Note: God is your first choice for venting anyway, and you wouldn’t have to worry about this rule with Him).

3) If #1 &/or 2 isn’t possible, whatever you do, do not put someone in a bad light (even if you sugar coat it i.e. “Well I love her to death but _______” or “Bless his heart, he’s just so mixed up.” etc.).

4) Vent your feelings- not your judgements, accusations or criticisms.

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With the above in mind, vent at the healthiest level possible:

Unhealthy (victim) vent: “Something happened recently that really disappointed me. I was amazed at how myopic and narcissistic people can be. I just kept thinking, do these people not understand that I have a life too?!”

Healthy vent: “Something happened recently that made me like I’m not that likable. I was surprised by this, but that’s what I felt” etc. or “I’m really missing my kids lately. It really hurts when I haven’t seen them.”

Healthiest vent: Conclude your vent with your plan for remedy i.e. “So going forward, as politely as I can, I’m going to let people know what works for me too” or “I’m going to start praying for a sense of confidence and personal worth” or, “I’m going to organize monthly family dinners with all my kids and their spouses.” etc.

Bad Fruit / Good Fruit (Brigham Young with some editing for the purpose of this paper)

“If we give vent to our bad feelings and disagreeable sensations, how quickly we beget the same in others- load each other down with troubles, and sink in darkness and despair! In all your social communications let all the dark, discontented, murmuring, unhappy, miserable feelings- all the evil fruit of the mind, fall from the tree in silence and unnoticed; and perish, without taking it up to present to your neighbors. But when you have joy and happiness, light and intelligence, truth and virtue, offer that fruit abundantly!” Journal of Discourses, 5:351-352

Support Suggestions

Step 1 Create a support team i.e. friends, family, office mates- any and all.

Step 2 Ask for assistance i.e. “I’m going Negative Free. Could you do me a favor? Every time you hear me whining, could you please just say ________ (Whatever code word you come up with i.e. “Eternity” or “Fruit” etc.)”

Step 3 Post your intentions near your desk, on your fridge and on your bathroom mirror i.e. “I’m going negative free. Please give me the code word, as needed.”

Step 4 Determine your response path, ahead of time.

a) If someone gives you the code word but you don’t think you were whining, thank this person anyway i.e. “Thank you for that. I’m always looking for how to be more positive. This may be a good example” or something like that.

b) If you agree with the feedback, consider retiring to the hallway, bathroom, closet or back yard for a brief, private prayer i.e. “Please help me to become 100% positive and proactive” etc.

Support Suggestions for Couples

Phase 1 Become mindful about whining or unhealthy venting toward anyone outside of your marriage i.e. people at work, the government, people at church etc.

If your partner goes off the rails (with his or her prior permission) you can remind him or her of your program by simply giving a code phrase you decide on i.e. “Eternity” or “Fruit” etc.

Ideally, if you receive this cue, you could excuse yourself and go have a short prayer, asking God to heal the part of you that likes to whine or inappropriately vent. Of course you can give yourself this cue at anytime too, and spend a moment in prayer.

Phase 2 is the same as Phase 1, but you are now including your relationship (triggers and such, between you).
However…

1) Venting to your spouse about him or her should be done, firstly, with permission i.e. “I’ve got something I want to talk. Is now a good time?” vs. a sudden ambush of criticism.

2) Your venting must be inextricably intertwined and cemented to a specific request. Your purpose is to move to resolve and solution vs. a character attack.

From the other end, if you feel criticized by your spouse you could give the code phrase and then suggest you both pray. One would be praying to be healed from criticizing and the other healed from defensiveness.

Note that Phase 2 should not be attempted until you feel expert in Phase 1