Birds of a Feather

Recently we received an email after our 2-day Workshop:

“During the seminar John said that we marry our self (paraphrased, of course). Was John able to describe the father of my children so well from looking at me? From his point of view, was he describing me? “ 

Birds of a feather.JPG

I don’t see the similarity

Great question.

Interesting thing about a mirror is that in one sense it is the exact opposite of what others are seeing.  It's backwards. People very much attract others that are at similar levels of fear [“Birds of a feather flock together” and “water seeks its own level”] but  we usually play out our fear in opposite ways. For example, as Harville Hendrix describes, most couples include a "fuser" and an "avoider."  So a "fuser" wife for instance (who energetically clings and begs etc.) may be acting on a fear level of 8, creating a perfect mirror for her husband who is an "avoider" (who runs, hides, stone-walls etc.) and who is also acting out his fear (which is at 8).

What am I saying?  God and His universe naturally creates the perfect opportunity for the growth He wants for us by making us naturally inclined toward what seems like the perfect mismatch- the perfect storm- where my fears (which might be at 7 or 8), draw into my life someone who also experiences fears at 7 or 8. This is God's plan for giving us weakness so that in our humility we will experience weak things become strong. 

By seeing that our spouse, in this sense, is just what the Doctor ordered, we are inclined toward the humility required to live Agreement 3 "I'm willing to lead you toward something that works for both of us" rather than as Jenkins Joe once put it, “run out of the house screaming that we've been robbed.”

Buddha once said, "each day we meet ourself."  It is a frustrating part of life. It is also part of the way God has prepared for us to meet him.  So in answer to your question, no I don't see your husband in you. I see you in you- the you that found a man who was probably close to the level of fear you were experiencing at the time you met him.

One final piece of the picture: There's who you are at the time of saying "I do" and there is, through your choices and habits, who you each become.  Agreement 3 says, "I'm on a high path. It's beautiful. I'd love for you to join me. It's up to you. I will do everything I can to inspire you to come along, but in the end, following God is more important than even you."   This kind of message is a very rare moment. In years of coaching couples I rarely see this. Most of the time, I see people who are mirrors of each other in the sense I’ve described, blaming each other for the melt down.

People are reluctant to see that they are each acting out, in different ways, on similar levels of fear. Most are reluctant to see that the perfect storm of each of their fears spiraling up into a hurricane. In this sense, most are reluctant to see that they have married them self, and that there is nowhere to run for wherever you run, the one person that will still be there is you. 

What's the solution?  For people currently wanting to bolt, it's so important to understand what Buddha was saying.  For people that have suffered the pain of divorce like Narelle and I and you, there is a path that will fully invoke not only a perfectly clear picture of our pasts but a perfectly peaceful feeling about our future. 

The mission of Path of Peace is to assist people onto this path and to stay on it for the rest of their lives.

This particular article relates to Agreement 3 (Boundaries) and 8 (Face Into the Wind). Click here for an overview of all 9.