articles of peace & Peace talk

Truths & Guidelines for Delicate Conversations

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RULES and PROTOCOL
1) Bring Your Upset to God and Your Request to Your Spouse.
2) Both Must Be Enrolled in the Conversation.
3) One Issue at a Time. 
4) Own Your Experience. Talk about yourself.
5) Seek Clarification. 
6) Express Primary Emotions (vs. secondary).  Get vulnerable!
7) Speak Tentatively vs. Judgmentally or Conclusively. 
8) Speak With a Genuinely Peaceful Voice.
9) Speak in Bite Sized Streams (Avoid flooding)

GOLDEN RULES (BIG PICTURE)
10) Pursue Peace, Not Victory (Listen. Let go of Being Right. Let Go of Getting Your Way.).
11) Commit to Win/Win Solutions (As long as it take, as many times as it takes).
12) Conversation Must Be Respectful (or no conversation). 
13) As Much as Possible, Convert “Issues” into  U.S.A. Requests (Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative request) 

PRELUDE

A Softened Heart, the prerequisite of a peaceful conversation.
"I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well." - Dr. Victor Cline

Peace Talk vs. LOVESEAT
”Peace Talk” is for working through issues and differences i.e. money, employment, raising children, home management procedures, whether to buy a home etc. Operationally defined, a “Peace Talk” is simply having a potentially volatile conversation with the “Articles of Peace” as a backdrop- which ever articles apply (featuring the “Golden Rules”).

Love Seat is more for working through INTER-personal issues, wounds, issues that are eroding trust or even threatening your sense of commitment.

Peace Talk - instructions

Instructions:
1) Before heading into a volatile conversation read through the articles of peace - even if you just review the headings.

2) The only hard and fast rule is #14- Conversation must be respectful (or no conversation). 
The rest of these rules and guidelines are on a as applicable, sincere, very best effort , basis.

Articles of peace - complete notes

1) The Center Peace - Bring your upset to God and your request to your spouse.

Once you are steeped in your story of distrust or let-down it's easy to unload disappointments from your entire life onto your spouse.  Don’t do this. As Dr. John Lund says, bring your frustrations, distrust, upset and fear to God. Bring your love (and your requests) to your spouse.

Work with God in getting to peace. This is the prerequisite to addressing an issue or request with your spouse.

Most of the time this is simply a matter of prayer, long walks and meditation. Sometimes you’re going to need extra guidance. (Click here for some options: “pathofpeace.org/breakthrough Password is “mission”).

Bringing your upset to God and your requests to your spouse is the overarching principle of this 1st article and all the other articles below.

The best treatment I have ever heard on this is in a piece of LDS literature called “Doctrine & Covenants.” At the risk of offending some, may I share how members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints feel that God himself has shed light on the subject of issues management:

Here are the highlights:

a) Be moved upon, not by your story, but by God. Be moved upon by love and your commitment to your spouse & to God- by the vision of peace and love God has put in your heart, not your need to vent, not your victim story, not your your reaction to being treated unjustly, or your self righteousness, or defensiveness- your love (God is love).

b) If this isn’t already your ticket to great results, the next little bit cinches the deal. “Then, after providing calm, clear, unloaded, unfettered input or a request THEN (just to make sure He or she gets where you’re coming from), show an increase of love.

Now we’re getting somewhere! Now the trust is being built. Now a ground work of safety that melts your spouses defensiveness and opens his or her ears and heart is laid. Yay!

2) Both must be enrolled in the conversation

Let’s talk about this from both ends- the person wanting to talk and the person being approached (the passer and the receiver).

From the passer’s point of view, it is so much easier to make your loved one feel safe by inviting or as I sometimes call it, enrolling vs. spontaneously launching or ambushing i.e. “Honey, I really need t talk about a couple of things, would there be a time that work work for you?”

Unless the receiver enrolls him or herself, the conversation will likely start with an underlying defensive atmosphere and will lack the feeling of safety necessary to actually hear each other. It will feel, at some level, more like a power struggle than a conversation- with each side struggling to get something inside the other’s brain.

From the receiver’s point of view, if you are not ready for a pass, let the passer know. As much he or she would like to throw the ball, it’s going to result in a fumble.

Note that not feeling “ready” could be because either a) You’re not feeling enough emotional space to digest your loved one’s complaint, or b) You don’t sense the person landing (the person with the complaint) is in a safe state of mind (i.e. there are automatic weapons on the plane).  

3) one issue at a time. 

This is big.  The moment you are talking about more than one issue, you risk heading into an enmeshed, impenetrable, black hole from which there is no return. 

Note 1: An “issue” is a subject matter which could imply a disappointing performance or flawed character. 
Note 2 - You can go on to another issue as long as you fully complete the first one, including a clear agreement. 

Stay with the subject introduced at the beginning.  If it goes to 2 issues, shelf the 2nd conversation until later.  See  request list. 

4) Own Your Experience (Talk about YOU)

Explain what lead to your current conclusions and therefore your upset i.e. "When you _______ where I chose to go with that is that _____________" and/or "so I felt ________ " etc. 

Note: If you explaining what lead to your feelings, start with an indisputably objective description. Example: "When you walked over to Janice and said something to her at the party, where I went with that is that _______" vs "When you started flirting with Janice...."  or “when you totally ignored me like you always do” etc.

If you are struggling with coming up with an indisputably objective description, at least speak as tentatively as you can (more below). 

5) Seek Clarification

"Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?" or "So what am I missing about this?" or "What am I not seeing?" 

Note that “Seek Clarification” is in between “Own Your Experience” and “Express Primary Emotions.” Why? Because intimacy is much more about listening and getting more information than it is about talking and making more judgement. The clearer you are about what’s actually happening or happened, the more your feelings will settle into a more reasonable and communicative realm.

6) Express Primary Emotion

When you are talking about you, your loved one tends to lean in (so to speak) and to listen. When you are talking about your spouse, he or she leans back (and shuts down).

7) Speak Tentatively vs. Judgmentally or Conclusively.  

The word "tentative" is featured in "Crucial Conversations" (one of the greatest books of our time) i.e.

• "It seems like…” vs. “you are always…”  

• "It sounded like you were saying something like ________" vs. "you said ______"

• "It seemed like you were sort of  telling me what to do, at least that's how it occurred to me" vs. "you are so controlling."

• "It seems like you have a tendency to complain sometimes instead of coming up with a solution" vs. "You are always complaining."  

Note: These phrases may "seem" a bit wimpy.  They're not.  They are underscoring your admission that the world may not be as you see it.  This can be the beginning of peace.

Special Note: The objective world ("the truth") Always remember that the objective world is not your concern.  How things actually are is irrelevant in these kinds of conversations.  Understanding how our partner sees it is everything. 

Objective world ("the Truth") = Nightmare, Disaster.  
Validating each other's subjective experience = Peace.

8) Speak with a genuinely peaceful voice.

There's an old expression: When you are happy, you tend to smile.  And when you smile, you tend to be happy.  The same is true with the tone of your voice.  It's hard to get carried away into a story when the delivery of your content at least sounds calm and peaceful.

9) Speak in Bite Sized Streams

Person speaking should not stream more than about 2 minutes (at the most) before giving his or her partner a chance to paraphrase, validate and empathize regarding what he or she has said so far. (Partner B can quickly get lost, or “flooded” as Dr. John Gottman puts it, unless Partner A gives his or her feelings and views in small bites). 

Note that these "bite sized" pieces (or “layers”) are usually part of a longer stream of communication in which a point of view fully unfolds. The entire point of view can take up to 5 to 10 minutes to unfold, at which point the listener, validates and empathizes and if inspired (if he or she thinks it will be helpful), shares his or her point of view.

Also note that if this conversation is about your partner’s poor performance or flawed character, this rule becomes 10 times as important. If it’s about an issue (not about him or her’s flaws), this is super important, but not earthshakingly critical.  

4 GOLDEN RULES (Big picture)

10) Pursue Peace, Not Victory (the 3 “L’s”)

Listen (Seek first to understand).
Let Go of Getting Your Way.
Let Go of Being Right.

Listen - “Seek first to understand” - Stephen Covey.

I might put this a little differently- “At first, seek only to understand.” Put your heart into it. This is the magic. The more you seek to understand the more you’ll actually want to understand.

The more you tune into his or her world, the more your heart will fill. What will it fill with? With him or her- With your love for him or her. But perhaps most importantly, your heart will fill with the integrity and peace you really want (up and beyond whatever you’re so dag blasted committed to in your campaign for your way) - an integrity and peace that is the 100% ground in which solutions will bosom and grow.

Let Go of Being Right.

As couples coach Natalie Clay puts it, “Not only is your spouse not wrong, YOU are not right. Get over that!” “If that's the reason you're talking, don't talk!” (paraphrased).

If you need to be right, and if you're not open to your spouse’s world, you're not headed toward a solution- You're headed toward frustration, resentment and emotional shut down.

Let go of getting your way

Throw away the keys to the bulldozer. Let go of your insistence on getting your way. This is challenging because getting your way is evidence (for you) that you can control your world, which makes you feel safe. But this is temporary sense of security.

For in the end you will lose the very people you seek to control.

Listening - The Big One
In the 3 “L’s” of pursuing peace, not victory, we return to our starting place - “Listen. Seek 1st to Understand.” This is fundamental in generating peace. When people feel fully heard, seen, understood and known a circle of peace immediately ensues. It’s almost like listening is love.

This doesn’t mean, don’t talk. It just means that when you are listening, listen! And as you do, being right and getting your way melts into being in love and inventing “our” way- a path that works for both of us.

Here’s the magic: The more you get into your partner’s world (and invite him into yours), the more safe your partner will feel. The safer your partner feels, the more trust he or she will have with you. And as Stephen Covey teaches, trust ignites creativity and leads to an exploration of solutions.

Trust is created as you turn up your intention to understand and loosen your grip on being right and getting your way.

Listening to understand, letting go of being right and letting go of getting your way is to “Pursue Peace, Not Victory.” It’s a wonderful circle because the more you seek to understand, the more you want to understand.

In a fascinating study reviewed by Dr. Mark Holder, researchers interviewed chronic diabetes patients at a hospital. They found that by using 3 very special words, the patients felt significantly connected to and at ease with the researchers who were interviewing them. Their conclusion was that 3 of the most healing words you can say to someone are “tell me more.” Dr. Holder suggests that through these words we are sending the message, “I’m not going on to my story. I’m listening to you and to your story.” The research also determined that perhaps the 2nd most healing words you can say to someone are: “What happened next?”

These kinds of phrases and questions heal, not only people’s actual body and health, but heal relationships: “Tell me more”, “What I hear you saying is…”, “Tell me more about…”, “What happens when___”, “I really want to understand everything you’re feeling” etc.  Try to understand each piece (or “bite”) of what you’re partner is saying before switching to your  point of view. This may take a while. Be patient.

There is a natural rhythm in this. If you are seeking to understand first, and then to be understood, you can feel when someone is complete with something. You can feel if it makes sense to share with him or her, as a gift, what is in your heart.

I can't emphasize this enough.  Get fully into your partner's world when he or she is talking. In the vastness and diversity of our human experience, one formula remains constant: listening = understanding = love.   

11) Commit to Win/Win solutions (As long as it take, as many times as it takes)

Be willing to peacefully talk, as long as it takes to create a solution that works for both of you. This will often mean a "3rd Alternative" (an expression that Stephen Covey noted as the most important concept of his career shortly before passing away).

This is your mantra: “I am willing to talk as long as it takes and as many times as it takes for us to both be happy with our resolve. This is my commitment!”

Get creative!  Remember that what you want and how to get it are two different things. Don't get lost in your path to your objective. There are many ways to fulfill what you actually need. See Covey's "The Third Alternative" for more on this. Keep talking!  Keep respecting.  Keep exploring!  

No one is ever wrong. Validate your partner's point of view or feelings.  Don’t descend into the dark world of objective truth (who’s right and who’s wrong). Respectfully explore solutions.  If you make your partner wrong, your path to exploring solutions quickly unravels. 

Be as committed to your partner being as happy with the solution as you are. 

Dr. Liza Shaw poses the question, "How many of you have ever walked away from a compromise, happy, fulfilled or excited i.e. 'Man, that was great!  Neither of us got what we wanted.  I feel terrific!'"

12) Conversation must be respectful (or no conversation).

As scaffolding for the above Golden “Big Picture” articles of peace, this article of peace can and should be something you are 100% committed to, at all times. It’s always in the background, like a safety net. You may lose your peace, but you do not need to lose your relationship, which is what this rule is all about.

Here’s the rule: If either of you is in the least bit concerned about the level of mutual respect in this conversation, agree to come back to the conversation. Call a timeout for at least an hour- more if necessary- whatever you require to get fully in sync with the articles of peace, notably the other two golden rules; pursue peace, not victory and Covey’s rule, “think win/win.”  

Be ready and disciplined enough to postpone a conversation that is not peaceful and mutually respectful.  You can get to it later.  It will still be there, but if you continue in a disrespectful relationship, your spouse may not be there. 

It’s super easy to want to fix things right now. Why? Because you are struggling to believe that without his her her approval and current good will, you may not survive. But you will. You will survive. Come back to this later.

13) As much as possible, convert “Issues” into  U.S.A. requests

(Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative request), in a Peace Talk, Nightly Check In or Love Seat.  In other words, after breakthrough, much of what you thought needed to talk about can be converted to a U.S.A. request. Understand this will preclude many “Peace Talks.”

Note: As true as this is, it is also true that making a U.S.A. request during Nightly Check In where this request was really just the tip of a huge iceberg, can lead to a disaster.  Be honest with yourself.  If something has been building up, do breakthrough work and then schedule a time where you can have a Peace Talk. But remember to review these articles first and then get down to some respectful, compassionate, peaceful conversation.

If you are concerned that you need more structure, use the "Love Seat."   
If that doesn’t work, study and master Dr. Sue Johnson’s 7 Conversations in her book “Hold Me Tight.”