Love Seat - Full Version

Welcome Aboard

Love Seat - Full version, unlike the Simple Love-Seat and Articles of Peace toward a Peaceful Conversation, is a structured conversation- including exercises. Set aside from 30 to 60 minutes. Ideally, go through the steps as outlined.

If inspired, however, skip sections (for now), and/or change the order.

Click here to the right for Simple Love-Seat or Articles of Peace.

1️⃣ Part 1

✔ 1) Partner A - Pre Flight Check List

Partner “A” is the person bringing the issue.

Here’s your checklist:
___ Pre-breakthrough work i.e. a walk, journaling, praying etc. (Click here fore more ideas).  
___ Determination that this is one specific issue vs. two, three, all bunched up. 
___ U.S.A. request planned (Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative). 
___ Optional “Shame filter thinner” prepared and/or planned.

Pre-Flight Personal Affirmation: I recognize that this Loveseat is not a tool to assist me in venting. It is also not a tool to assist me in getting my loved one to change. Loveseat is to increase mutual accountability and to assist my loved one and me in finding our way back to each other’s hearts.

___ Yes   ___No   (If "Yes", you're ready for the next step, “Enrollment”).

2) Enrollment

"Partner A" enrolls partner B  Most Loveseats occur during Weekly Inventory, so you already have a space provided for it. If you haven’t done a Weekly Inventory lately or just feel this needs immediate attention, you could say something like, “There’s something I need to talk about.  Could we do a Loveseat?” and/or “When would be a good time?” or “Is this a good time to talk without distractions?”

A safer alternative to the above could be to print some sort of Loveseat image or card and place it on the kitchen counter, or bathroom, or hand it to spouse with flowers and/or cookies.

Note: If your partner says "What's it about?" you could tell him or her, but this usually doesn't work out. It's better to say, "If it's O.K. I think I'd rather tell you once we sit down and take some time to talk” and/or “If this isn’t a good time we can come back to this. When would be a good time?”

3) Shame Filter Option

Note: Shame Filter isn't necessary but is often deeply recommended. (See above for more on “Shame Filter.”)

Partner A (partner bringing the issue) implements any shame filter “thinning” you’re inspired to provide before or during Loveseat. (Read about "Shame Filter" above)

If nothing else, just reading the “ownership” prelude (below) increases your sense of peace, while reducing your partner’s potential shame, resistance or defensiveness. Please allow the words to find their way fully into your heart as you read it.

4) Ownership & Headline

1) Partner A reads "Ownership" (in green) to Partner B:
“Let me first say that this is about me.  It’s about my insecurities, my defensiveness, my self-doubt and dependency.  It always is.  My upset is always about me.  It’s about me trying to piece together a sense of security and confidence and a deeper connection to you. Thank you for helping me.”


2) Partner A gives headline with empathy (A tool from Emil Harker).
"What I wanted to talk about is how frustrating it's been for me that _________________ (i.e. "that we don't have very much us-time etc.)

“I realize that from your side of this, you are _________________ (i.e. overwhelmed and/or really committed to trying to provide for us, or working so hard taking care of the kids etc, whatever comes to you.)

So thanks for talking to me about this. I love you and I love taking our marriage to an amazing level by talking through stuff like this. Thank you."

Note - fork in the road: From here, if inspired, clarification could be sought or provided (from either side). Keep in mind however that our minds require much persuasion to bypass a state of blame and victim and that it’s easier to build a bridge to your spouse’s heart, see his or her point of view and create solutions inside the contrite realm of accountability (which what the next couple of sections creates).

5a) Accountability Pool

Accountability Sentence Starters

• "How I've created this was (or is) ________________," and/or

• What I've contributed to this is (or was) _______________."

5b) The Quinton Question (optional)

Work with your coach &/or journal the answer to one or both of these questions:

1) How are my spouse's fears a mirror my own fears? &/or
2) How are my spouses flaws (whatever you’re addressing) a mirror of my own?

6) Personal Feedback

Personal Feedback is looking in on yourself (sort of sitting across from yourself in a room) and reporting on what you see.

The sentence starter for this is something like: "My experience of myself in all of this is (or has been) _____________" or ”How I get myself is _____________” or “How I’ve been acting is ______________” etc.

Take turns with this, going back and forth. You'll want at least a couple of passes of this*.*

Please do not comment on your spouse's feedback of himself or herself i.e. "That's for sure!!" Just listen. Also, try not to smile too much like the woman in the green shirt (below) if your spouse goes in for some pretty nitty gritty feedback of him or her self.

7a) Switching Shoes

Depending on how you did with the above, it’s possible that you could already feel complete this Love Seat. If not, 7a is a great way to keep the conversation going. Note that this can just go one direction (B to A), or if inspired, A to B also.

Partner B gets in Partner A's shoes

Use any or all of these:

😓 "My best guess as to what you're feeling (or what you've been feeling) is ______________________"
😓 "My guess is that it makes you a little (or a lot) crazy that I ____________________________________"
😓 "My best guess is that what you would love for me to do or do more of is ___________________"

Partner A is encouraging (without commentary or conversation) i.e.

😀 "Thank you. Yes, that's really close to how I'm feeling" or
😀 "Thank you so much for really trying to get how I feel. I'll explain more but for now, thank you."

7b) Sharing &/or Clarification

Tips for Person Sharing (Partner "A")

1) Focus on one issue. Don't pull out your gunny sack.

2) Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally.  Example: “When you were sitting outside yesterday, it seemed like you were mad at me. You may not have been. But this is what I was experiencing inside my head.” etc.

3) As and when needed, provide a brief, indisputably objective, description of what happened (or what was said) while remaining open to the possibility of your own misinterpretation i.e. "When you came home at 2AM Wednesday Night..."

4) Focus on your inner experience i.e. worry, fear etc. vs. your spouses poor performance or character weakness (A list is provided below to help you find the words).

5) Please consider your spouses efforts to hear you as good enough! (He or she gets an "A", no matter what).

Tips for Listener (Partner "B")

Your sole (and soul) objective is to hear your partner vs. defend, judge, critique, check out, or bathe in feelings of shame or not-good-enough. As fun as any of these might be, your primary goal is to listen to hear. Isn’t this a glorious moment? Note that your partner’s description of reality may be different from yours, but can nevertheless illuminate a path to taking better care of him or her.

Use phrases like… • Mm-hmm (or, just listen) • What I hear you saying is _______ (paraphrase what you hear) • Have I got it? • Is that it? • That makes sense • I think I get what you’re saying • What does (or did) that feel like? • Tell me more about ______ or • Tell me more about why this is important to you • I can understand how you’d feel that way

7b) Partner A goes first - Shares &/or Seeks Clarification - Partner B Listens

“When you _____________, where I or go with it (or went with it) is that I feel (or felt) ________" (see possibilities below)  or "It seems (or seemed) like ____________" (description, from your point of view i.e.)

💜 Partner “A” or “B”, if inspired, could request or offer clarification at anytime (more about this in green + below):

Requesting clarification: "Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?"
This can be a helpful question because a) things are may not as bad as they seem and b) Judgement closes your spouses heart. Seeking clarification opens it.

Providing clarification: “Could I give some clarification on this?”…not defense, not excuse, not justification (things that will your partner feel even worse) - just clarification- things that will make your partner feel better- including, if inspired, a brief apology and a plan going forward. [Note that there will be another chance to apologize later*,* so you could keep this brief.]

7b) Partner “B” Shares &/or Seeks Clarification - Partner “A” Listens

In other words, switch directions: Starting at 7b, down the path again with “B” sharing and “A” listening.

Note: Partner “B” sharing is optional. Sometimes one direction is good enough- sometimes both is better. You decide.

8a) Identify Your Collusion (your "Death Dance")

Step 1) Partner A Without implicating your spouses poor performance or character flaws, describe (bottom line) your inner fears (where this all lands for you), by completing the sentence below. Allow yourself to fully feel what’s underneath this whole issue for you and in so doing, to begin letting God heal it:

“In connection with this issue, what I’m most concerned about (or afraid of , or have been concerned about or afraid of) is ________________.”

EXAMPLES: “that I will never fully be loved, letting down our kids, having to leave our home, not being close to my family, dying alone, that I’ll never be good enough” etc.

If inspired, repeat sentence completion up to 2 more times, with 2 other “bottom line” fears.)


Step 2) Partner B’s Response) Anything close to… “I understand. Thank you for sharing this.” (Please avoid other comments.)


Step 3) Partner B Shares (Reverse directions on steps 1 & 2 above).


Step 4) Journal (or share in real time with your coach) a non-judgmental version of your collusion (your downward spiral or "Death Dance") i.e.

• The more you _____, the more I _____

• The more I _____, the more (or less) you _____

• The more you _____, the less (or more) I _____ and/or

• ...which makes me (or you) act out by _______

• which makes you (or me) feel _______ etc.

or...

• When you _______ I tend to think or feel _______

• which makes me act out by _______

• which makes you feel _______ etc.


Example (using non-judgmental descriptions):
• The more time you spend in your office at home, the more ignored I feel.
• The more ignored I feel, the more I tend to see you as not caring.
• The more I see you as not caring, the more I treat you disrespectfully.
• The more I treat you disrespectfully, the less desire you have to come out of your office.
• The less you come out of your office, the more angry I become and the more disrespectfully I treat you.


Part 4) Share your notes Let your partner see your notes. Notice that you will have different descriptions. Use this opportunity to know and understand each other's worlds.

Couples Coach Natalie Clay suggests that our fixed interpretation of our spouse’s actions (or of our relationship) can be a major block toward building bridges between our hearts. For instance, “When you tell your Mother about our personal problems, it shows me that you don’t trust that we can work it out ourselves. It proves to me that you don’t trust me.”

Consider the 3 questions below. Take a minute to journal possible answers, then share your answers with your spouse.

1) What is a negative conclusion (or interpretation) I’ve held at about my spouse and/or our marriage? i.e.

• He/she doesn’t care about me, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she doesn’t value me, otherwise she would (or wouldn’t)______.

• He/she doesn’t understand my needs (and/or doesn’t seem to want to), otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she doesn’t seem to want to make me happy, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she isn’t committed, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she only thinks of him or her self, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she doesn’t put our family first, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she can’t be trusted, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• He/she is unsafe (a bomb that could go off any moment), otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• We aren’t a very good match, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• We don’t seem be committed as a couple, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.

• We don’t even seem to like each other.
  etc.

2) Is this true? (Multiple choice. We suggest b, c, or d, but you decide)
a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe
d. Maybe not

3) What evidence do I have that the opposite could be true?

9) Apologies

…from both sides,

…whatever you are inspired to apologize for- whatever you feel sincerely sorry for- whatever you want to add to what you’ve already offered.

Apology - Notes
1) Remember that sorrow is about my love for you. Shame is about my hate for me. Know the difference. Your spouse wants your sorrow, not your shame.

2) Consider including apologizing for the light you have insisted on holding your spouse in i.e. selfish, untrustworthy, undependable etc. (See 8b above)

3) Either of you, as moved by the spirit, could guide each your spouse toward something specific you that you don’t think your spouse would mind saying, that would mean a lot to you i.e. “I’d love it if you’d say ‘Honey, I’m so sorry I yelled at you.’” etc.

NOTE: If what your spouse is asking you to apologize for doesn’t completely resonate with you right now, see if there’s something even close that you could apologize for or put this aspect of your conversation on your Request List.

4) Whatever apology is offered needs to be good enough. This is key!!

5) Your apology may sometimes naturally include the following 2 step phrasing: “Can you forgive me?” (wait for an answer), then... “Will you forgive me?”

Fork in the Road

Both Emil Harker and Tony Overbay (my two favorite therapists), suggest advantages to letting the understanding you've just experienced sink in for a day or two before seeking solutions.

Waiting to find a solution tends to train your mind and heart toward love and understanding vs. hearing someone out just to then finally try and get your way. Hence, putting a 1 to 3 day break here before going on can be healing. Rest easy for a while in the understanding you've achieved in this "Love Seat" so far.

I mention "fork in the road" here because dividing up this meeting isn't a rule in stone. If you're feeling warm and trusting inside, and feel confident about brainstorming for solutions (below), go for it. But be honest with yourself. A nice 2 day cruise in the ocean of love and understanding might make the 2nd half of this meeting so much more effective. You decide.

BTW, a good rule of thumb, in general, is to force yourselves away from too much conversation about your relationship (or any issues).

About 90 to 95% of all conversation should have nothing to do your relationship, your expectations, or your disappointments.

10) Explore Solutions

U.S.A. Request

This process starts with either one of you suggesting a request, or solution. If it's request, make sure it's U.S.A.

Unloaded - If you’re still too deep inside your story of victim, distrust or disappointment, stop here and go back to the accounting pool. Come back to creating agreements later.

Specific  e.g. "Would you be willing to sign up for 2 more months of coaching with John?" vs. "I just want you to try harder."

Affirmative  if possible e.g. "Would you be willing to talk about my Mother only with me vs. family or friends?"

🙏 Please Help Me

Whoever is receiving a request can give a “Please Help Me” - Examples:

1) “Honey, for sure, from now on I will start taking out the trash every week. Could I ask one thing of you that would make this easier for me?” [wait for answer]. “Would you make sure you don’t park your car where the trash goes?" or...

2) “If I interrupt you could you please just calmly say, 'Honey, I'd like to finish what I'm saying.'  This would really help me." etc.

📜 As Needed, Develop Agreements

a) Your premiere rule of thumb is that, in an exploration of ideas and possibilities, no one is ever wrong- ever. Keep the conversation going.

b) As you seek solutions, lead your soul into the "5 Centering Questions."

💙 What am I willing to do? (the "Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.

💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win-win possibilities.

💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).

💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.


c) Set Your Agreement Up for Success
Remove the blocks to what you need from your spouse. Set your agreement up for a success vs. unconsciously testing your spouse’s love and commitment to you. For instance, if you’d like an agreement on your wife greeting your with a hug and kiss when you come home at night, agree to go and find her, rather than expect her to be standing at the door. Read more about this from Dr. John Lund by clicking the + sign below.

d) Seek Synergistic Solutions (3rd alternatives)... that focus on what you each need and instead of getting hung up on a specific way of supplying this need, keep exploring other ways.


e) Take a Recess if Necessary.   You’ve made huge progress. Don’t wear each other out!

f) If You’re Not Making Progress, Do Some More Breakthrough Work... and/or make an appointment for coaching meeting. www.pathofpeace.org/appointment

g) If Applicable and Inspired, Explain Boundaries (Consequences), going forward, and/or a Request Restitution The 5 questions (above), can sometimes lead to explaining how close your spouse is to the edge of a cliff i.e. “Betty, if you have lunch with Barry again, I don’t know what else to do other than consider that you may not be serious about our relationship, which might mean a separation for a while.”

These questions may also inspire a request for restitution (a show of good faith that will increase your trust in your spouse’s sincerity) i.e. a 30 minute foot rub, weekend trip to the lake, favorite meal, or both i.e. “Honey, if you don’t start coming home before 8PM, I may need to got to a movie with some friends, just to take my mind off of it” or “Honey, I hope you don’t mind, but if you keep coming home late, I’m going to need something to offset how bad I feel about it. Some new shoes every time you come home late would be perfect (either you can take me shopping or I’ll just go myself).”

h) Focus and Record Your Agreements

Even though most agreements involve both of you, Emil Harker strongly suggests settling your part of the agreement deep in your soul. In this, guide yourself away from Quid Pro Quo sort of thinking i.e. "If you do this, I'll do that."

Agreements are much more fail safe as independent agreements vs. a deal- what you are specifically agreeing to do regardless of what you partner commits to.

As a result of this love seat, take a minute now to record what you are agreeing to do i.e.

• I’m going to work breakthrough before coming with an issue.

• If I feel upset with a request you’re making, I’m going to ask clarifying questions.

• I will text you or call you for you mutual consent on spending more than $___.

Of course, if going forward, your partner shows bad faith on the agreements he or she is making, that's another conversation. (See Boundaries &/or Restitution, above).

11) Celebrate & Your Time Together By:

a) Recording your independent personal and/or couple agreement and b) Thanking your partner for job well done! (in your Love Seat). Pour it on!

12) Review your Personal Agreements Each Week

a) Keep your agreements in writing, in a special place.
b) Review your agreements once a week, ideally at Weekly Inventory (See Ongoing "View" for details)
c) Be conscious of your agreements.

For a less structured issues management guide, please read "Peace Talk" (See Table of Contents)

Source Credits:

"How are your spouses fears a mirror of yours" was inspired by Success Coach, Quin Stevens

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