Living Couples gps (Couples rituals)

Table of contents

Starting reccomendations

If you are not doing the 40 days (AIR TABLE) approach, we suggest the following start up actions:

1) Relationship Cleanse. 

2) Watch War Room.  90% of your success, moving forward is in this film.  The enemy is not across from you.  He is between you.

3) Decide on a Habit Tracker. Heightening your awareness of and commitment to your habits (featuring things like Nightly Check-In, actions that speak your spouse’s love language and Weekly Inventory

4) Create and begin using a Request List (the perfect parking spot for issues & tentative requests).  Create another list called "couples agreements."  Please review these every Sunday.

5) Read and start Nightly Check In.


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“Why can’t the perfect marriage just come naturally!?”

“Why can’t the perfect marriage just come naturally!?”

A note on overwhelm

Once you’re up and going (with the the reading and start up options above), decide how this all looks (below) for you. Base this on what stage you are at in your relationship repair, your intuition and consensus with each other. Do what you're both willing to do and feel good about doing (even if you don’t feel like doing it- as long as you feel good about it). Anything even close to what we're prescribing is going to make a major impact on your marriage.  Don’t stress, just choose.

ongoing - What does CgPS look like for you?

After our last CGPS course, my daughter in law, Kayla (part of the class), said something really interesting. She said, “John, my parents are on an endless Relationship Cleanse, with no Request List.” Pretty amazing. Most of us, however, are a bit more defensive, touchy, sensitive, controlling, pouting, closed minded or withdrawing than we’d like to admit. No problems! That’s why we have Couples GPS course, coaching & ongoing rituals & habits.

Here are our recommendations. Remember, even doing a shaved down, bare minimum version of CGPS will deliver amazing results.


DAILY / NIGHTLY

  • Nightly Check-In - We recommended at least 5 out of 7 days (for at least 20 minutes).

  • Couple Care i.e. back rubs, extra reading etc. (See Nightly Check-In) - This one is on you. No recommendations.

  • Couple Prayer and/or Meditation - We recommend at least closing each day with meditation and/or prayer.

  • Habit Tracking (“tracking” Nightly Check-In, health habits, speaking each other’s love language etc.)


WEEKLY / MONTHLY


ISSUES & REQUESTS PROTOCOL

monthly CGPS CHECKLIST

Airtable CGPS Lifetime Checklist

Going forward, we recommend this (what we call “facing your life”, or checking in with yourselves, individually and as a couple) every week to compare the kind of marriage and life you value with the habits and rituals you’re creating and sticking to. This quick little review is the king domino, guaranteeing CGPS habits and leading you to a miraculous life.

Airtable CGPS Lifetime Checklist

how does this all look for you?

How will this look for you? You can take it easy, or go wild. It’s up to you? Go with your highest instincts, but, be realistic (a fabulous combination).

Note that you may feel differently about some of the items above. Keep talking until you both feel good about how it all looks for your marriage. Remember, if you don’t want to do something, it still might be something you actually feel good about. Here are some questions to ask yourself and each other:


”Ongoing” doesn’t mean unchanging

1) This doesn’t have to be written in stone, but make some clear goals and go after it! Change how this looks for you as inspired, month to month, year to year. Note also, this doesn’t have to be a dissertation- just a good idea of what your path is going forward.

2) It’s possible that you could have different feelings on everything above. Perfect! Let this ignite your compassion and desire to communicate, understand and reach synergistic solutions & goals verses letting it ignite a war. If this goes south, schedule a Peace Talks to work toward a plan that feels good for both of you.

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Helpful notes in CGPS ongoing

1) One Minute Rule
As different issues or considerations arise during each day, consider the 1 Minute Rule - Wait 60 seconds. Ask yourself: 

a) "Is this issue or request time sensitive?" or "Would this be a wee bit less loaded and therefore more effective, at Nightly Check-In?" Even better…

b) "Am I being inspired by God right now (to give this feedback, to bring up this issue or make this request)? or, am I inspired by my story of disappointment or distrust? Which?”)

Only you can answer these questions. Sometimes it makes more sense to make the request right now. Sometimes not. Be inspired. Be loving. Be committed to your spouse’s happiness, not just your need for instant relief (Note: When a person is sick, he usually feels better after throwing up. The person you threw up on usually doesn’t).

2) 4 to 1
Operational requests (and/or requests given as if it it was the first time) i.e. "Jim would you mind keeping the door to the garage closed?" are often best as they come up vs. Nightly Check-In. The problem arises when your entire day is riddled with these kinds of petty requests and comments. John Gottman suggests that 4 out of 5 comments should be positive in order to create a strong emotional bank account with each other. His research on this is comprehensive and stirring. Without these odds, people usually go down hill.

3) Return to Strict Guidelines When Needed
If you stumble into a potentially loaded subject, remember the Articles of Peace. Note that once you have stabilized your marriage, Nightly Check-In (Part 2) and Peace Talk is all you may ever need in addressing issues & requests. If, however, you feel like you’re drifting back to old ways, revisit and review Managing Outgoing and Managing Incoming and follow the instructions to the “T.”

If you’d like assistance with this, please do not hesitate to make an appointment.

4) Requests for Restitution
There are times when “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it and you need a show of good faith i.e. a foot rub, your favorite restaurant, etc. Asking for restitution, if done in a cheerful, encouraging and tender way can be not only uplifting, but is a relief for your spouse, who would much rather give you a foot rub than have you take a pound of flesh.

But here’s the big piece in this. If you are “ambushed”, offended, or other wise let down in some way during the day, asking for restitution on the spot is received as a counter ambush (or counter offense). Ask at Nightly Check-In or at least once you’ve fully cooled down.

5) Relationship cleanse (if needed from time to time) is done by mutual consent.

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100 Things

“You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments, and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt, and contempt. (But), If you can learn to think empathetically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through, and maintain your admiration for your spouse's good qualities, you will not be plagued with overwhelming distress.” - Dr. John Gottman

Instructions

1) List 100 things you…
like, or
love, or
admire, or
respect, or
appreciate, or
that makes you proud of your spouse.

2) This will take you a while. That’s why it’s in the “rituals” section.
Don’t rush, but don’t put it off. Keep at this. Share anything from it, anytime. You don’t have to wait until you’re finished.

For sure, you will want to get to 100.

It’s an interesting thing: The more you look for what you appreciate, the more you will begin to see. The more that appears, the deeper still is your appreciation. The “100 things” list isn't just a chance to express gratitude for your spouse. It’s an opportunity to raise your entire level of existence, opening your eyes and heart and begin feeling a joy that only can come in gratitude and appreciation.

3) Memorize the top 3 to 10 items in your list and think about how much harder life would be without these positives. When you find yourself following a critical train of thought about your mate, use elements from the list to interrupt your thinking. Make a habit of this process and the change can be dramatic.” (John Gottman, p.183) 

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Love map

Background 
We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played. What do you need the very most from your spouse? - Probably things that he or she has been struggling to give. 

According to Harville Hendrix, there are two reasons we do this: 

1) We marry someone who reminds us of a parent or caregiver who may have, to some degree, let us down.  In this strange destiny (according to Hendrix’s “Imago” theory), our attraction to a prospective spouse provides an opportunity for someone, by proxy, to come through in areas that you were let down.

2) The 2nd reason we choose “hard” (as Anita Towner puts it) is a spiritual instinct toward whatever it takes to grow and refine.  Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled” says that there are 2 reasons we marry 1) to Procreate and 2) Friction and the growth that this friction leads to).

Certainly, the perfect mismatch (your marriage) provides all the friction necessary for the growth we yearn for. The problem is that even though we are drawn to each other in order to heal and grow, as poor choices are made, the relationship friction and heat get turned up, and so does the hurt. Sadly we end up breaking each other’s hearts, not healing them. 

This heart breaking tendency takes the place in “double binds” i.e. wife needs husband to validate her feelings.  Husband needs wife to be more affectionate.  The less validating husband is, the less affectionate wife is.  There are lots of double binds, but this is basically how they all look.  The fire says, give me more wood.  The wood says, give me more fire, and there the fire sits, going out  And there the wood sits, missing it’s purpose. 

The heart of the solution is to identify what your loved one most needs from you- one or two things you can focus on to heal his or her historic wounds.  In focusing on what your spouse has asked you to focus on- getting closer and closer to mastering his or her love language, you will, day by day, heal his or her’s heart and visa versa.  But more importantly, according to Hendrix, you will have discovered the missing and lost piece of your own soul, which is, the very thing he or she is requesting from you- the perfect plan.

The formula and the miracle 
In general, speaking each other’s love language, even a little, can heal lifelong doubts and wounds.  At an even deeper level, our soul’s mantra becomes “As I give you what you need, I grow. As you give me what I need, I heal.”

Love map
The Love Map exercise is to heighten your awareness of your spouse’s love language. I recommend revisiting “Love Map” (below) once or twice a year, or just from time to time as you sense a need.

Once you’ve shed a light on what you each need and fully commit to Nightly Check-In and, as needed, Weekly Inventory (below), you have started a steady, wonderful journey toward fully coming through for each other. It’s that simple.

 

“…also…ships (relation ships), which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds (many potential issues and wounds), yet are they turned about with a very small helm.” James 3:4 (parenthesis added)

That small helm, following a better understanding of each other’s needs, is Nightly Check-In and, as needed, Weekly Inventory.

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Love map questionnaire & share

Getting a Better Look at Your Needs.

Prep: Please use a laptop or desktop to access and/or print Love Map. Remember to sign in to your Google Account in order to make a copy of the Love Map for your own use:

+Love Map - Google sheets version of “Love Map.”
+Love Map - PDF version

Instructions: Each spouse fills out a Love Map (clarifying your personal needs and love languages), as described in the steps below.

1) Check 10 - 20 options from the Google Sheets - Love Map.
What are the words and/or actions that reach you- that fill your “love bucket” (as Gary Chapman puts it).

2) Circle your top 3 to 5.

3) Read and if helpful, briefly explain your top 3 to 5 love-languages to each other including what this language looks or sounds like i.e.
”I really love back rubs. How that looks for me is at least 5 minutes, with lotion, nice & easy, not like a professional.”
”Taking walks together is huge for me. How it looks for me is at least 20 minutes, holding hands and chit chatting.”

IMPORTANT NOTE: Be inspired on how to phrase your needs and wishes so as not to offend your partner. Make it about you and what you need, not about his or her’s weakness. 

Preface this with “What I share with you now is not about you or your shortcomings. It is my commitment to show you even more clearly the way to my heart. Thank you so much for your willingness to listen to my needs.”

Additionally, acknowledge all that he or she has already done in connection with what you’ve listed &/or rated.

4) List your spouse’s top 10 love languages in a note called “The way to my spouse’s Heart” (or whatever you’d like to call it). This is for you to regularly meditate and act on. Use google docs, evernote, or todoist, or your paper planner.

5) List 1 or 2 ways you will speak your spouses’s love language in your Habit Tracker i.e. “Buy my wife flowers” (Weekly), “Give husband 3 hugs a day, whether I feel like it or not."

6) Stay on target - Celebrate every moment you succeed in speaking his or her love language. Remember, it’s not about what you didn’t do, it’s about what you did do. Thank God that you are learning to love the most important human being you can love while on earth! Be encouraging to yourself and to him or her in this wonderful journey. Lead and guide each other, tenderly, sparingly and as inspired in your Nightly Check-In and Weekly Inventory.

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Weekly inventory - Staying on course

The best of captains (like you), even with current maps and up to date navigational devices will still need to check their bearings from time to time.

This can happen…
a) off the cuff if trust is high and you feel to just make a request in the moment or
b) during Nightly Check-Ins for gentle, consistent guidance and less seismic requests or
c) during Weekly Inventories for larger, sensitive issues.

For Weekly Inventories (below), pick a regular time i.e. Sunday morning, afternoon etc.


WEEKLY INVENTORY (A weekly look at what we have and what we may need)

PART 1

1) Weekly planning (family time, date time, church/civic obligations, kids etc.) Note: You could also cover upcoming expenses- however, this sometimes requires a separate meeting, including a Peace Talk.

2) Celebrate what’s been going well i.e. “I think what’s been going well for us is _____”

3) Brief review of current couple agreements - agreements you’ve made with each other that are easy to forget but important to remember.


PART 2 (if needed) Introduce a new request or update a sensitive existing agreement. Note that gently guiding your spouse can happen naturally at any point if you feel inspired to make a request and you feel enough trust and peace with each other

1) “There’s something I’d like to cover today. Would that be alright?” This is best done at close proximity, within 6 to 18 inches of each other, chair to chair, face to face. Once you have the floor (and hopefully, his or her heart), suggest either a Peace Talk (a little more open ended) or Love Seat (very structured).

2) Conclude your Peace Talk or Love Seat with a request and agreement, including a description of how the agreement might look for you*, or create clarity and, if needed, further solutions on an existing couple agreement and/or

3) If needed, lovingly explain possible consequences i.e. “If this keeps happening I may have to get some extended time out, and/or do some extra shopping” or whatever your boundary is. Note that explaining your boundaries usually happens in a Peace Talk or Love Seat. If needed, please do not hesitate to set up a meeting with me (John). Click here to set up an appointment.

4) Check in with each other to make sure you both feel good about what you’ve talked about and the solutions you arrived at. Limit Part 2 to no more than 30 minutes. Don’t drown each other in your need to get it your way. If you haven’t reached a solution, that’s O.K.! You can come back to it.

5) If there’s time, and if you’re not out of emotional space, switch directions and go again (otherwise get to other spouse’s request next week). No more than 30 minutes total in Part 2.

Notes:
*Describing how something might look
“I’d love it if you would do your best to be a little bit more present during dinner. How that could look is that you leave your phone in the bedroom.” 

*Coming BACK to an issue.
Don’t drill an issue into the ground. There will always be more time to work it out. But work yourself out first. These kinds of peaceful conversations don’t work, unless there’s peace.

* No more than 30 minutes
Limit the request and agreement section of your Weekly Inventory (Part 2) to no more than 30 minutes. Don’t drown each other in your need to get it your way.

 

In pursuing a Peace Talk or Love Seat, or just recommitting to an existing agreement.  Consider guidelines below.

a) Please make sure that each issue, with or without a Peace Talk or Love Seat, leads quickly to a U.S.A. request. Read more about U.S.A. requests here.

d) If things go south, end the meeting quickly and courteously i.e. “This isn’t going that well. Let’s come back to this.”

c) Be intentional and respectful enough to get through an issue in no longer than 20 to 30 minutes max. If you decide to each do an issue, no more than 15 minutes each (unless inspired otherwise and there’s a good feeling between you). The secret to success here is in asking God to help you in your breakthrough work and in fully converting your upset, victim story and distrust into a U.S.A. request. It’s not that you won’t need to give some background at times. It’s that your focus has moved from your story to the request. This is an amazingly healing transition!

d) Note that some issues will come up over and over. There’s nothing wrong with this. It takes a while to work somethings out. Be courteous, patient and compassionate. Treat these issues as Dr. John Gray suggests- with the same respect as if you were bringing it up the first time, every time.

e) There are some things that you will never see the same way. This doesn’t need to be a problem. Just do your best to create peace and clear agreements around ever issue you can.

f) Issues conversations surrounding something where there’s been a lot of misunderstanding should result in written agreements that can be modified as inspired and as mutually agreed. You’ll end up with 5 to 20 of these kinds of written agreements in the years to come.

g) Issues and requests should be written down in advance on your Request List.  This insures that you’re not coming into a conversation hot, and that you’ve done some breakthrough work on the issue.  

Make sure your partner is fully enrolled into any conversation about an issue. You may want to consider a coaching session for anything that is too charged.  Click here to set up an appointment with me (John).


#1 Rule in Love Languages
Remember John Gray's rule: Each time you make a request during Nightly Check-In or Weekly Inventory, make your request like it's the first time you've ever made this request.  In love languages, this is the most important rule of all.

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private retreat

A Private Retreat (for just you and your spouse) can be an overnighter or a weekend, but should at least be a good part of a day (i.e. a Saturday or Sunday).

Your retreat would includes relaxation, good food, walks in nature, hammocks, card games, boating, reading something together, watching movies, or whatever you would both enjoy. During this time together (i.e. walks, cards, movies etc.) please do not talk about your relationship. Consider this time (your fun & relaxation time) a Relationship Cleanse.

Sometime during each day of your retreat, please include at least 30 minutes* of:

*Note: If your PCR is 1 day or less, it’s 30 minutes. If it’s 3 days, it’s 30 minutes a day for 3 days etc.

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Couple prayer

Rituals - notes & explanations

  • Write and Share (either 10 minutes a week or while on your monthly couple retreat).   
    For many, this will be a fairly advanced step.  If you're willing to go for it though, this is a huge step toward rebuilding intimacy).

  • Date night, once a week with zero conversation about your relationship, upsets, let downs, expectations or disappointments.  Every date night includes a relationship cleanse. (zero issues)

    Date night examples: 
    a) a long walk, 
    b) a double date with good friends.
    c) dinner and movie (Please avoid romantic comedies for now). 
    d) miniature golfing (please do not use the golf clubs or balls as weapons). 
    e) hiking.
    f) tennis or golf.
    g) joke telling contest (to see who can tell the worst joke)
    h) service activity (serving food at a shelter, picking up trash etc.)
    etc.
    Combination of any of the above.

    If you're having a hard time fitting in a date night , If you can even do an hour, that's awesome! (day or night).  2 to 3 hours would supernatural!

  • 5 to 30 minutes reading together every day or night i.e. Couples GPS and/or Mastery homework and/or recommended reading i.e. "Hold Me Tight", “Bonds that Make Us Free” etc.  IMPORTANT NOTE: Apply whatever you read together only to yourself, never to your partner.    


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