Though this is ideally sequenced for most breakthrough work, please use as inspired, any sequence- any part.
Click here to return to other breakthrough possibilities
1) “Blame to pain” (in your mind or to a proxy) i.e.
a. When you (description of behavior ________________ ), I feel (or felt) _______________ (i.e. afraid that____, alone, abandoned, ashamed, hopeless, not safe, terrified, lost, like nothing, useless, not worthy of love, controlled, abused, meaningless, forsaken etc.)
b. What I need (or needed) from you the most was (or is) ____________
2) Re framing (in your mind or from a proxy)
Note: It is easy to interpret someone’s actions or words as the evidence that you are unlovable or not good enough. So often, it is not the other person’s intent to communicate this! Re framing means a search for what was really going on, or even a hidden message of love. (See “Notes” at the bottom of page) .
As inspired in your own mind and from your heart, or as inspired from a proxy, complete the following possibilities:
a) What was really going on with me was (or is) _______ (whatever comes to you or proxy)
b) My hidden love for you was (or is) that __________ (whatever comes to you or proxy)
c) The truth is ______ (i.e. “I got lost in my fears“, “I was on a dead run toward self sabotage, etc.). (whatever comes to you or proxy)
3) Hear and receive apology
a) Hear - As inspired in your own mind, or as inspired from a proxy, hear the apology that resides in this person’s real (but perhaps lost) self.
b) Receive and acknowledge - i.e. “I hear you and I forgive you.” Extra: “I can only imagine what you were going through or what you’ve been going through.”
4) With this same person in mind, go through Harry Palmer’s compassion exercise.
Step 1 - With attention on the person, repeat to yourself, “Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.”
Step 2 - With attention on the person, repeat to yourself, “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
Step 3 - With attention on the person, repeat to yourself, “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
Step 4 - With attention on the person, repeat to yourself, “Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.”
Step 5 - With attention on the person, repeat to yourself, “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
Harry Palmer’s video
5) Look for yourself as the cause (switch positions)
Reverse positions (in your mind or with a proxy) and apologize to the person who’s been apologizing to you (via the proxy).
Apologize for whatever you can- whatever you are inspired to apologize for. Please consider the list below for ideas:
I’ve been blaming you for anything and everything.
I have been self absorbed. I have been insensitive. I have been impatient.
I have been careless and abusive.
I failed to share my feelings of hurt, fear or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.
I’ve been pointing my frustrations, fears and unhappiness at you.
I failed to peacefully communicate & instead, chose blame, negativity &/or withdrawal.
I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with _______ (keep details just in your mind).
In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up some resentment.
I have been unwilling to get clear with myself about what my boundaries are.
I’ve wanted your approval more than I wanted my own self respect.
I've not been appreciative for you and what you do. I’ve taken you for granted.
Instead of celebrating our blessings I have chosen to fuel my disappointments.
I have been more committed to my story of how you have wronged me, than to you.
I disconnected from your love, got defensive and imagined you were out to get me.
I’ve been lazy and this has led to a whole string of problems.
I’ve been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.
Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.
I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.
I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to me.
I haven’t clearly asked for what I need and/or been encouraging when you try to give it.
Through not living inside my boundaries, I’ve supported your aggression and abuse.
I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment, not-enough etc.
I’ve set you up, the best I can, to affirm my greatest fear i.e. that I don’t matter.
Without realizing it, I’ve pushed you into proving that I’m unlovable & not enough.
I’m causing people to be who they are by my labels, judgments and stories about them
1) The more you see how you have contributed to something to less you feel like a victim. You more responsibility you are willing to take, the less blame you will feel. Try it. You'll like it- not at first, but you will like it.
2) Possible hidden message of love (examples), especially for spouses that are somewhat or extremely lost:
●Defensive - I need your love.
●Critical - I need to count on you.
●Obstinate - I need to feel self-determined. I need to be a whole, real, self-determined person so that I have something to give you.
●Apathy (check out) - I’m hurt. I’m discouraged. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost. I don’t know how to find my way back. I’ve never needed you more. I want to love again. I want you to love me again. Please help me. Please find me. I love you.
●Angry - I feel out of control or threatened. I don’t know what to do. I’m reaching out to you because you are who I need the most. You are who I trust the most. You are who I dump on the most (like right now). You are who I love the most.
3) The 2 questions, “What was really going on with this person?” and “What’s the hidden message of love?”, take you out of your story about this person or issue and into an objective and healing view of him or her, including your connection to him or her as a child of God.
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4) Talking to someone’s real self
An extra possibility (and alternative) for reframing is talking to someone’s real self. This is helpful if communication is currently strained between you and this person, or if you are in your story about how this person has let you down or abandoned you in some way.
Before you start, ask Heavenly Father to assist you in creating communication at some level, in some way between you and this person. Then ask permission from this person's real self to talk.
Talk directly to this person’s real self (wherever he or she is).
Note, at this point, that there are several possible roads to travel:
Ask, “How can I serve you best?” and/or “Could you tell me what you are feeling?” (whichever you are inspired to ask) then wait for an answer.
Talk until you feel you’ve connected. Just hearing the answer to “How can I serve you best?” may be all you need. The answer to this question is always there. It just takes you listening for it.
These spirit to spirit communications are a time for you to fully open yourself to the possibility of love between you and this person (your love for him or her and his or her love for you).
“And now here is my secret (said the fox to the little prince), a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
To see love, to hear love, to connect to the love, despite whatever is clouding it or disguising it- this is the secret. In a sense, what you decide to see is what is real- nothing else.
Note: When Reframing (connecting to the hidden message of love) sometimes the person you're talking to is you. If you are seeking to breakthrough from excessive worry about one of your children for instance, sometimes the obvious hidden message of love is just how deep your love truly is for this child.