Managing Outgoing - 2019
“Managing Outgoing” deals with this question: “How do I effectively manage my hurt, distrust, concerns, upsets etc. (all known as “outgoing)?
You, Me, We - Introduction to Managing Outgoing and Request List
Using a request list (quick study)
The reason people don’t use a request list (very important)
you, ME, WE
The reason the Couples GPS information doesn’t include a section entitled "How We Approach Issues" is because "we" doesn’t work well unless I’ve mastered me.
Years ago I attended a wonderful communications type seminar. There were about 100 of us in the class. It was raw, intense, and personal. During the course of our training there was a woman who took issue with pretty much everything about me. She didn’t like my comments, my attitude, my presence. I was O.K. with it to some degree, until our instructor challenged us, as a group, to come more fully together- to identify anyone in the room you might have a problem with, seek this person out, and clear the air.
When the time came for us to seek someone out, I approached this woman and said, “I think we have something to work out, don’t we?” Her answer was life changing for me. “Well, I don’t have anything to work out. You may, but I don’t.”
It was true. Her issue with me was her business. My issue with her (which related to her issue with me) was my business. I was in her business. There was no “we”, so there was no conversation! What could have worked better was working through my issue before approaching “our” issue. What was my issue? Her reaction to me. She sensed this. She wasn’t interested in solving my problem.
If you’ve got a knot in your knickers (like I was about this woman’s attitude) or are having a melt down- It's not a “we.” It’s you dealing with your issues about someone else- your “stories” (see below). It's outgoing. “Outgoing” (navigating through your issues) is one protocol. Navigating through someone else’s issues is another (“Managing Incoming”).
If even one of you succeeds in the protocol for which ever side of this you’re on (incoming or outgoing), you can quickly get to "we", get on the same team and work through your issue. Hence this section: “Managing Outgoing”, featuring the “Request List” protocol. The trick is, don’t approach someone with “we”, until there is a “we.” If it’s your issue, put it on a Request List, work the process and make the request.
distrust vs. requests
A “story”, in Couples GPS vernacular, means “a negative interpretation of an event.” There are of course positive stories, love stories, victory stories etc. But when I say “story”, I’m not talking about these. I’m talking about “stories” of what I call “victim”, “distrust” & “helplessness.”
A classic example of a “story” is the following: A man was driving along a country road at about 2 in the morning when one of his tires went flat. He pulled over and got out of the car to assess the damage. He definitely had a flat and needed a jack, but he didn’t have one. Seeing a light on about a half a mile up the road, he began walking towards an old farm house. As he walked, he was filled with questions - “I wonder if anyone even lives up there?” “I wonder if they would even have a jack?” He kept walking as more questions came - “Why would whoever lives there even come to the door at 2 in morning? I wouldn’t, unless I saw flashing red lights outside.”
The closer he got to the house, the more his story of distrust developed, “Even if he did come to the door” he said himself “and did have a jack, there’s no way he would take a chance like this and just let me use it.” This continued until he finally got to the door. He rang the doorbell and listened to an old farmer coming downstairs. After opening the door, before the old farmer could say anything, the man with the flat said “I don’t want your damn jack anyway!” and stormed off.
Erik Erikson, the father of developmental psychology, explains that by 2 years old we decide whether to trust or not. Most of us, to some degree, decide to not. It’s no wonder there’s so much road rage. Deep inside of us we know that the bad driving of that guy who just cut us off wasn’t just absent mindedness or even carelessness. He is trying to kill you! That’s why we must run him over, immediately.
I know this sounds extreme, but think about the last time something went wrong with you and your spouse. Were your upset feelings really about the actual event? or was it about your negative interpretation- an interpretation which left you feeling one of 3 things:
a) Victim - Why me? Why must I be subjected to this person’s lack of care or consideration. I don’t deserve this.
b) Distrust - I can’t trust him or her. He or she is obviously out to get me.
c) Helplessness (a term borrowed from “Crucial Conversations.”) What’s the point. It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try, I can’t win. I’ll never have what I need and/or I’ll never be able to make him or her happy. I am defeated and lost and always will be.
The bitter edge of relationship conflict is that we tend to approach each other, in our distrust or our victim or helpless stories, rather that with a simple, trusting, request. Moreover, we bring our distrust and upset to each other rather than a proposed solution. We speak to our disappointment in what is, not the possibility of what could be. We bring our stories to each other, rather than our requests.
It’s a hard thing to face your spouse’s distrust or disappointment, —particularly hard for a man. A man thrives on feeling like he’s come through for his woman- that he his her night in shining armor- her superman. Her disappointment in him is like kryptonite.
I remember a meeting with a couple, Sue and Jim. All Jim wanted to do was to make Sue happy. I’ll never forget the pain in Jim’s face as he spoke of his broken heart. He just wanted her to know that he loved her. More importantly, he wanted to know the road back to her heart. But this road can only appear if a woman (or man) can temporarily put aside his or her disappointment in order to articulate his or her specific requests.
Dr. John Gottman, marriage researcher, explains that he can predict divorce largely on seeing a look of disdain, or contempt in a spouse’s face- when the disappointment and distrust has reached critical mass- when at least one of the partners has concluded that he or she cannot find love in the other.
How does this happen? How does it get to this point?
Dr. John Lund points out that our stories of distrust and disappointment do not belong in the ears of those we love. John Lund suggests taking these feelings to God and our love to our spouse. But what about our issues? That’s what the Request Protocol is all about- getting to your issues with out breaking each other’s hearts- taking your upset to God and your specific requests to your spouse.
What is a request list?
A request list is the crowning tool in your new commitment to a peaceful, respectful, loving approach to issues and differences. It is a private list of requests for your loved one. It can be a page in your planner, or a list in your list app i.e.
As a follow up to your initial 7-Day Cleanse, the Request List is designed to heal your mind from your fight and flight instincts and enable you to rationally approach issues and resolutions. The 7-Day Cleanse, followed by the Request List is a powerful combination in raising the level of your relationship.
Specifically speaking, the purpose of the Request List protocol is;
1) to provide time and process in separating your requests from the layers of “stories” surrounding them, and
2) in connection with #1, to assist you in clarifying what we call a “U.S.A.” request to your partner.
Using a request list
Using a “Request List” is the #1 supreme rule to managing possible conflicts.
Here’s how to do it:
Step 1) Do NOT ambush your spouse
…no matter what. Get some leather to bite on if necessary. (See notes in the next section).
Step 2) Don’t come in hot
Do breakthrough work before making a request. Get some time out. Breakthrough can be as simply as a long walk, prayer, meditation, and/or reading scriptures. If that doesn’t work, click here for Instant Breakthrough questions and other Breakthrough options.
The main thing is, don’t land your your airplane with the wings on fire. Circle the airport. Get the flames out- then land.
Step 3) Bring your issue and your request, initially, to your “Request List” not your spouse.
This is the secret. Don’t launch! Don’t ambush! Write it down! After getting time out and/or doing some breakthrough work on the issue, a request will naturally emerge in your mind. This is where a lasting relationship is born.
Step 4) Reflect on possible U.S.A. requests
This is the kicker: Make sure your request is “U.S.A.”; Unloaded (you’ve done breakthrough work on it, or just gotten some time out), Specific (easy to understand, measurable, reasonable) and ideally, Affirmative (something you want this person to do vs. something you want him to not do).
Step 5) If inspired, make the request.
Putting your issues and requests on a Request List will encourage rational and objective reflection, after which (including breakthrough), you might drop the issue all together. Is it really worth even bringing up? Often not. Other times, even after cooling down, it might be wise to bring up the issue or, ideally, just make the request (without all the details about the issue). Refer to your list from time to time to see if the request still seems important enough to actually make, or if perhaps it is only a magnifying glass on the negative (an easy tendency for humans). You decide. Be inspired.
If inspired, make the request, either right away (after cooling down and if you feel the request is somewhat urgent), at Nightly Check In, or if it's going to be something that's going to require conversation and perhaps negotiation, at Weekly Inventory.
You now have the most important formula you've ever been possessed for issues management. Enjoy! Be blessed!
IMPORTANT NOTE: If your emotional bank accounts are high with each other- If you are following John Gottmans’ 5 positives to 1 negative rule- if you just don’t think you can do what I’m asking you to do above (and below), at LEAST do the “1 minute rule.” - When something triggers you, don’t anything for 1 minute. During this time, ask your real self (the child of God that you truly are), “Would it be best to nicely make a request right now? or would it be better to put this on my request list and bring it up later (especially if there are other people around)?”
Using a “Request List”…
…Jenny realized at about 3AM that she’d finally written down every issue and possible request she could think of.
The reason people don't use a request list
The reason we don’t tend to use a request list is important to understand: You are hesitant to approach your loved one with an issue or a request. What am I saying? Our tendency is to keep the peace, sweep things under the table, and endure to the end (which, with this kind of attitude, we sometimes pray comes sooner than later). Because of this, only when we build up enough resentment and anger are we finally compelled to break the silence and ambush our loved one.
Let’s get even clearer about this: There is a voice in your head that says, “If I don’t talk about this right now, I never will. I’ll just sweep it under the carpet again and continue to be disappointed and resentful, so my only hope is to just go for it right now. It’s only when I’m angry that I have any hope of getting things resolved, getting my needs met, and surviving.”
Sounds insane? It is. It is the essence of fight or flight. This doesn’t have to be true! Using a Request List is a whole new world of possibility. It will take some time to get used to. It will be a hard transition. it will be infinitely worth it.
Your issues do matter. Your feelings matter. What you want matters. Don’t stuff it, work it out. And there is only one necessary ingredient to working things out- peace. This is what the Request List is all about.
request list - notes & details
Step 1 Notes) Do not ambush your spouse.
”Ambush” means to give unexpected criticism, or input of any kind that could imply poor performance or flawed character. Be nice! Don’t ambush!
With the above definition, even making a request can occur to your spouse as an “ambush.” I also refer to this as a "loaded" request- meaning, something you’re requesting of your spouse because you believe that your spouse either doesn't care about you or your feelings, puts you last, or doesn't care about your happiness. This kind of inner story can create a heavy load on what otherwise could be a simple request.
Your success with issues management depends largely on your willingness to use a request list. This one commitment will open a whole new world of love and peace- I promise! As Dr. John Lund recommends; take your upset and stories to that one being who is equipped and willing to absorb it- your Heavenly Father. The brunt end of your accusations, distrust and disappointment etc. are not intended for human consumption. Take your upset to God. Take your U.S.A. requests to your spouse.
I know if feels like you need to talk right now, but what you actually need is a request list. Start there, not with your spouse. If the first place you go with your upset is your request list, the bitter edge of this issue will have softened by the time you get to your souse. Most often, the worst time to talk about an issue is when you feel the most urgent need to talk about it.
Step 2 Notes) Don’t Come In Hot. Do Breakthrough Work
Offload your story and upset. “Take your upset to God. Take your request to your spouse.” - John Lund.
This can be as simple as taking a 30 minute walk in prayer and meditation. For more, use the Walk List or Breakthrough materials. Let me know if you need the password. It changes quarterly. Text me at 801 613 8354 - John.
Step 3 Notes) Bring your issue and request to your “Request List.”
This can be an amazing, miraculous blessing to your spouse and you. As Dr. Lund puts it; “Take your upset to the Lord (and I would add, also, to your Request List) and your love to your spouse (and I would add, your U.S.A. request to your spouse).
“I know I'm not supposed to see his request list, but I don't think he gets it.” - CGPS participant
Step 4 Notes) Reflect on possible U.S.A. requests
Having said this it is super important to allow issues that truly need some conversation to remain on your list and to be faithful and true to your spouse in your willingness to have hard conversations.
Once you get into the swing of all of this, you'll find that option a & d will occur much more than b & c.
Note: Option “a”, “b” or “c” (above) are not chosen during a Relationship Cleanse.
Step 5 Notes) Request Protocol
If Inspired, bring your one, unloaded, specific, affirmative request to your spouse.
Here’s your choices:
a) Bring it up during Nightly Check In, (after your Relationship Cleanse) or
b) Initiate a Peace Talk, anytime, or
c) Invite spouse to do a Love Seat, ideally during your Weekly Inventory, or
d) Make a coaching appointment (Click here) or
e) Drop the issue and request altogether (at least for now). Water the flowers, not the weeds. I’m not suggesting sweeping your feelings under the carpet or stuffing your feelings. I’m suggesting being inspired about which issues are worth talking about. Click here for more on this,
Create enrollment:
This first one is best used during Nightly Check In “Jim, I’d like to make a request. Would that be O.K.? (wait for a “yes” or don’t make the request).
Honey, there’s something I want to talk about, when would be a good time? (Then decide whether you’re going to do a Peace Talk or Love Seat.)
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to admit this, but there’s something that’s been weighing on me. What you be willing to talk something through with me? (If he or she is ready to go, go right to a Peace Talk or Love Seat.)
Make a U.S.A. request:
Would you be willing to play with the kids after dinner for 20 minutes or so, every night?
I was a little embarrassed at the party Friday, would you be willing to tell jokes that don’t involve sex?
Would you be willing to call me if you’re going to be home late?
Do you think we could take a walk every night for 10 minutes and hold hands?
Would you be willing to ask for clarification if I’ve done something to upset you?
etc.
Overarching tip - Make 80 to 90% of your communication chit chat or non volatile topics. The water of love between you and your loved one will becomes stagnant without the oxygen of non-issue chit chat- fun, relaxing communication. (Note: If you’re doing a Relationship Cleanse, it’s 100% non-issues conversations, not 90).
Manage Outgoing (Using a Request List) TOC
THE MAGIC OF USING A REQUEST LIST
By listing a request for a change of behavior, you have already entered the realm of breakthrough- meaning, you are beginning to emerge from your negative stories so that you can bring your request to your spouse, not your story. How does just writing it down help? When you write down a request for a change of behavior, the issue and your feelings about it move from the inside of you to the outside of you (on to the piece of paper). In this sense, the upset is no longer you, but rather, something in itself- like a ball you are holding in your hand. Listing a request (in writing) will assist in transforming you from a helplessly, upset, crazy version of yourself, to a calm, objective observer of your own feelings.
The Request List Protocol initiates another wonderful miracle. As you list issues and requests, you will begin to experience each issue as separate from each other vs. bunched up like a pile of wet leaves. This instantly makes your concerns and requests seem more manageable and it is this very sense of calm that will enable you to effectively make an “unloaded” request.
Listing your requests for a change of behavior allows requests that are truly worth addressing to maintain priority and issues that are petty to slip down in priority and perhaps even be dropped.
The worst time to make a request is when you feel the most urgent need make it. You do NOT want to come to this kind of communication “hot.” Use a request list!
Bottom line: If you do not use a Request List, your unconscious, panicked self will by pass your rational self i.e “If I don’t talk about this right now, I’ll end up just sweeping this under the table, or minimizing it- It will never be addressed and I will never feel safe or loved. I’d better launch, immediately!! “(and BOOM, all hell breaks loose). Not a good program.
If you do use a Request List, it is a calming message to your soul…”Everything’s cool. We’ll get to this. I’m O.K. Life is good. We’ll get to the issue, for sure. It’s on my list. I’ll wait until the right moment, i.e. Nightly Check-In or Weekly Inventory.
extra notes
The Dot or the Circle (Your Partner Hears the Cirlce)
Another way of looking at potentially destructive communication:
When it comes to conversations about issues, you will bring one of two things to your loved ones:
1) You will bring your unloaded content (the actual issue, and a request.[the dot]) or...
2) You will bring your story (your distrust, let down, upset, panic, fight or flight [the circle surrounding the dot]).
This can be a subtle thing. In fact, sometimes you can be split- 50% of what you're bring will be the actual issue (or content). 50% will be your story. But if there is any story at all, your partner will likely only be hearing your story, despite your best efforts to share your content.
The key to managing outgoing (to approaching your partner with an issue or request) is to, whatever degree is possible, to heal your story first.
To heal your story, you could get some time out and/or do some breakthrough work. (Text me for the password - 801 613 8354 John)
Please also see Managing Incoming. These two sections go hand in hand.
Request List - Conclusion/Summary
Managing your need for instant resolution
Some time ago, during a dip in my own consciousness, one of my greatest teachers, DoriAnn Stubbs drove up to a campsite that my family was at. She'd driven 4 hours. I was sitting in the kitchen of a resort home we were staying in. I heard DoriAnn and her family's car pull up (they were spending the weekend with us). She virtually ran through the front door, sat down at the kitchen table with me and said, "I've got a message from God." I was ready. She then uttered four of the most important words I have ever heard: "Stop talking. Start breathing."
This is the mother lode. It is the whole thing in just 4 words. Why on earth would you want to talk if you’re unconscious, full of your story, swimming around in your reactive mind and generally incapacitated? You wouldn’t. So don’t. Don’t talk.
Fear is a destructive master. One fear, discussed above, is that you will sweep this issue permanently under the carpet and never have your needs met unless you launch RIGHT NOW, while your emotions are hight. The other fear (even stronger) that drives charged communication is our fear of disconnection from our love source. We think "I know if we could just talk this out right now, we could get this solved and I could feel secure again." Makes sense, doesn't it? The problem is, it rarely works.
The very moment you start to feel disconnected from the one who's love you so desperately need, stop talking and start breathing. Start feeling. Go to your request list. Start writing. Go to God. Start praying. Pray to see the truth- how things really are- perhaps your spouse's hidden message of love, or what he or she is going through, or the truth of who you really are vs. what he or she is implying etc.
If you've already rushed in with your demand to “work it out right now”, and you can see where it's going, you could even say something like: “Maybe this isn't a good time for me to be talking. I think I need to pray for a little while” and then go.
While in your in “time out”, pray that the Lord will put you in touch with your feelings. Your feelings have almost nothing to do with your spouse. Your feelings are in YOU, not in him or her. The problem is you don’t know what you feel. So you are like a blind man in a room full of wild dogs- flailing around, grabbing at ways to protect yourself.
In accessing your feelings (in feeling whatever it is you feel) you suddenly realize that there are no dogs- that there is nothing to protect yourself from. Because what hurts is inside you.
So as you feel your inner pain, your doubts, your grief- things you have stuffed down inside- as you feel it, you, at the same time, detaching from your coping mechanisms; your defensiveness, your shut down, your endless arguments, position, debates or coercion. Hallelujah! Now we’re getting somewhere! By saying nothing, you are finally getting closer to what you really want and need.
So feel your guts out. The more you feel, the less you will act out. Bring your feelings to God. “Come unto me, ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Work out your feelings with your Heavenly Father (not your spouse).
Talking with your spouse should only happen if and when you are both at peace and you are ready to make a U.S.A. request. You can be experiencing fear and insecurity, but not so much that you are removed from peace and the ability to communicate rationally.
Fear, Panic and Communication (Not a good mix)
Fear and panic are so human and so understandable. Fear can be very helpful in signaling your need for action, but in fear, communication about issues is very rarely the best action.
If you are feeling fear in connection with anything you are saying or are about to say, stop talking, deal with the fear first (the back part of your brain- flight or flight), then come back and deal with the issue. IN your right mind, consider the centering questions, evaluate costs and benefits and stay, if you are in peace, in the conversation as long as it takes and as many times as it takes to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution. All of this will usually require the request list protocol. NOTHING good comes from fear or panic.
Urgent note: This page and these guidelines, all of them (above) are for you, not your spouse. Please also see Managing Incoming. These two sections go hand in hand.
Managing outgoing - mantras
I work through issues before talking about them i.e. pray, work out at the gym, take some time-out, walk, pray some more and/or use the Breakthrough Book. In this, I do whatever I can to collapse my upset, distrust or victum story surrounding this issue.
Instead of ambushing my spouse, I use my Request List (Yay!!) and wait until Nightly Check In or Weekly Inventory to address my issue, or drop my issue and request all together. If I do make a request, I do so in a sane state. I present my request and/or discuss a synergistic solution and/or explain my boundaries.
I bask in the peace and motivation all of this creates. This is how I travel; in calm, in peace, in sanity, in one unloaded issue and specific request at a time. This, the power of the affirmative (speaking to the possibility, not the disappointment) is the fuel that can drive the human spirit.
Once I’ve collapsed the upset surrounding my issue and list in on my request list, I go back to “watering the flowers” until the right time comes to talk out the issue and make a request.
Manage Outgoing (Using a Request List) TOC