Couples Gps
Actions & habits for our Couples GPS, & Personal Coaching participants only. Please do not share with friends or family. Instead, invite them to an event, where we can create the support needed for using these materials.
This page is laid out in 2 tables of contents: The first, 40 Days to Peace (fundamentally for new participants), is a miraculous way to get back on the right path with your spouse. After you complete the 40 days, carefully study Couples Rituals, making whatever changes and/or additions you feel inspired to create your personal couple’s rituals.
Click here if you are a new Personal Coaching participant
2 tables of contents
NEW PARTICIPANTS - 40 days to peace
ONGOING PARTICIPANTS - CGPS Index & Couples Rituals, where it all lands.
40 days to peace - Table of contents
Index & Couples rituals
Following 40 Days
Note: For your convenience, not all pages have passwords. We ask that you do not share pages with friends or family.
Also note that hyperlinks are green.
Path of Peace - Principles OWN PAGE
Managing Outgoing Request List
Request List - Avoiding ambushes
Walk List OWN PAGE
Breakthrough OWN PAGE
Nightly Check-In OWN PAGE
Getting to Know You - OWN PAGE
Write & Share
Peace Talk & Articles of Peace OWN PAGE
Love Seat OWN PAGE
40 days - preface & instructions
This is a program of discipline but not overwhelm
If you’re overweight you don’t go to the gym for 40 hours in the first week. That would be overwhelming. But you do go 3 or 4 times a week (That would be discipline). .
There’s no grade
If you miss a day, just pick up from the day you left off. If there’s any doubt on where you left off, go back a couple of days for good measure. If you’re part of our 6 week online course, you’ll want to stay on schedule.
Please don’t jump ahead!
Just do one day at a time. This includes not clicking on links inside pages where you see, “please don’t click on links.” We’ll get those items later.” etc. The 1st 10 days are sometimes the hardest- with a lot of new habits you are putting in place. After a couple of weeks or so, you’ll be in the swing of the program.
Final Thought.
Please trust me in just one thing: “40 Days” and Couples GPS will work. There’s not even a question about that. The only question is whether you're willing to follow the program, keep the agreements you make, and prayerfully put one foot in front of the other. I promise you that if you’ll do your best, miracles are waiting.
PREP
__ 1) If you haven’t already, watch the clip above from the original Karate Kid.
Some of what you’ll be asked to do doesn’t seem core to your challenges, similar to how waxing cars didn’t seem related to Karate for Danielson. Please trust the process and where these agreements and steps are headed. Remember there was a reason that Danielson was waxing cars.
__ 2) Get a list-making app on your phone and laptop.
You’ll need this for Couples GPS lists you’ll be making as you go. The best ones are:
or, just a notebook
__ 3) Get familiar with or re-familiarize yourself with Zoom. To join us, go to: www.pathofpeace.org/zoom
__ 4) Your marriage will never be better than you are, and for you to be positive, hopeful, loving and proactive means filling your mind and life with positive, hopeful, loving and proactive.
When you're getting ready for the day, or walking around (hopefully away from others), or doing dishes etc. consider having some podcasts ready to go, so that when you go into auto pilot, your phone or laptop, with one click, starts feeding your soul. Here are a few of my favorites:
The Brendon Show (with Brendon Burchard) - Seriously, you cannot get enough of this guy!
Natalie Clay (Couples Coach) - Natalie is a brilliant thought leader and an inspiring speaker.
Tony Robbins - Click here for endless positive- with inspiring podcasts about everything.
Day 1 - First meeting
Return to 40 days / Return to Index
__ 1) Attend meeting online at 7PM. Please be on time or early: www.pathofpeace.org/online
__2 ) Preliminary agreement to a 7 day Relationship Cleanse (even if you’ve done one before).
RELATIONSHIP CLEANSE - WHAT & WHY
The Relationship Cleanse is to cleanse your relationship from toxic build-up resulting from issues conversations i.e. disappointments, disagreements, who's right, who's wrong, who's fault it is, why you’re partner isn’t cooperating with your plan for his or her life etc.
Talking about your relationship (in this sense) usually results in not having one.
Your formal initiation of your a “Relationship Cleanse” can start tonight (after the meeting) or tomorrow. If you start tomorrow, just remember the basic idea tonight, which is: Don’t talk about your relationship.
Day 2
__ 1) Study, print, sign and agree to a 7 day Relationship Cleanse. Click here for details.
Day 3
__ 1) Study & start using a Request List.
Create and begin using an Request List (the perfect parking spot for issues and requests). Don’t click on the other links in this document. We’ll cover all the rest later.
__ 2) Take a walk with your spouse (for at least 10 minutes). Talk about favorite foods and desserts. Drill down as deep as you can for at least 5 minutes of the walk. (There’s a reason for this).
Day 4
__1 ) Read (privately) P.O.P. Principles
Day 5
__ 1) Pick the section from P.O.P. Principles that means the most to you and write in your journal about how it applies to you and what the benefits of this idea could be for you.
Spend 5 to 10 minutes.
__2) Make another private journal entry tonight with this as the subject line: “Why God wants me to succeed in my marriage” and/or “Examples of how Heavenly Father has touched my life lately.” Take a walk with your spouse tonight, even if it’s just a few minutes, and share what you wrote with each other. Do not comment on each other’s shares tonight (more conversation later). Just listen tonight.
NOTE: Don’t click on the other links in the P.O.P. principles page. We’ll cover all the rest later.
Day 6
__ 1 ) Gratitude and Awareness Walk
Please take a 10 minute+ walk together. Please do not discuss your relationship or any issues. Instead, please go back and forth for at least 2 minutes, sharing different things you’re grateful for i.e.”I’m grateful for my health, I’m grateful for my job, I’m grateful that God gives me a new chance to get it right every single day, I’m grateful for our children, or dog or cat etc.”
In the remaining minutes of your walk (after sharing blessings), silently become aware of everything around you i.e. sounds, smells, shapes, stars, clouds, cars, lights, things moving, things that are still etc.” Do your best! No discussion! Just gratitude and awareness on this walk.
Day 7
c) Now that you know how to do Write & Share …
…spend 5 to 15 minutes (as a couple) doing Write & Share #1 for your first subject - “How a Relationship Cleanse can bless me.”
d) If you haven’t already, please choose a Habit Tracker or “Treasure Chest.” Click here for details / options. Our current favorite is “Treasure Chest.”
Return to 40 days / Return to Index
___ Determine or refine your personal habits - “Sharpen the Saw”
It doesn’t matter how good your intentions are to refine and/or heal your marriage. Any great journey, especially a journey to peace and love, requires fuel (daily). You are what you are bringing to your spouse. You’re not bringing a concept of yourself, or an article about you. You’re bringing you to this marriage. How are you doing! To up your marriage, up your game.
Independently (not as a couple) decide when and how much time you will spend in your daily “Power Hour” (or even your “Power 30”)
PLEASE include the following elements, in any order:
a) Exercise (especially walking), because it can be done in connection with the other elements.
b) Prayer and/or meditation
c) Inspirational input. We suggest anything by Joel Osteen, Tony Robbins, Louise Hay, Steven Furtick, Bible, or any other input that lifts you to a higher level of thinking and encourages a forgiving, open and proactive state of mind.
d) at least 10 minutes of prioritizing actions, planning when to do what, and refining personal goals.
___ Using the instructions at Getting to Know You, please do a Write & share (or Walk & share), using #2 as the subject line (Request List).
Return to 40 days / Return to Index
___ Study Your Wish is My Command (love languages) together. Please follow the instructions as you put together your “love maps” (actions that lead to each other’s hearts). This will take some time. Schedule at least 30 minutes.
___ Individually or as a couple, read Managing Incoming.
___ Share your “good news” with each other, exactly as the instructions provide at this link.
___ Spend 5 to 15 minutes doing Write & Share #3 or #11 - 3) “How do I feel about not defending myself” or 11) “How do I feel as I consider increasing my attention to what you need?” (Pick one. Do paper, rock, scissors if you aren’t already both leaning toward the same one.)
___ Walk & Share
After sharing your good news, take a 10 to 20 minute walk. Share your response to the following (just in conversation- no writing): “How do I feel when I take your hands and make a promise to you.” Remember that whenever you read or share as a couple is never about your spouse. It's about you.
___ Start a Gratitude and Breakthrough Journal
List at least three things you are grateful for, every day.
___ Read 100 things and spend 5 minutes on your list.
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 8
a) Study the rules and guidelines of Write & Share in the Getting to Know You link (Independently or together).
Avoid any conversation about it Just carefully go through the guidelines of Write & Share so that your understanding is complete.
NOTE: You can study the entire “Getting to Know You” page, or, just Write & Share for now.
b) Take a walk with your spouse (even if it’s just a few minutes). Talk about what blessings might come from writing about and sharing your feelings.
___ individually (on your own) read through Nightly Check In. (Optionally, you could take a walk in the evening and share your perspectives on “Nightly Check-In.” Always remember, whatever you read and share is about you, not your spouse. Whatever perspective or opinion share share is about you and your life, not your spouse.
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details.
___ Do a “Walk & Share” for 5 to 10 minutes.
Share, back and forth, casually but not flippantly, your response to the phrase - “How do I feel as I get to know you better?”
Day 9
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details
___ Do your first Nightly Check-in (and chit-chat) minus making a request of your spouse. That starts tomorrow. Note that you can make a request of yourself, or simply state that you “have nothing for tonight.”
___ Read Couple Prayer before going to bed (if you believe in God, on your knees), or meditate for 3 to 5 minutes, together. (You cold even listen to 5 minutes of Andy Pudicombe together to assist you in meditation. He’s the greatest!)
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 10
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details
___ Watch something funny on youtube for about 10 minutes
Both of your pick something you think is funny (at least 5 minutes each). Try The 3 Stooges, Gaffigan, Brian Reagan, Studio C etc.
___ 2nd Nightly Check-In (ideally on a walk). You could focus on the following for the “Chit-chat” part.
Top funny moments of your life (or the videos you just shared). After this share, if you’re still walking, invent questions to ask each other- questions about your spouses opinion of something, or a memory, a hobby, common friends, current events. Make sure that none of your chit-chat leads to interpersonal issues or sensitive subjects. This is the beginning of reviving the chit-chat cells in your brain, cells that die in many marriages. We’ll get deeper into this in the future. For now just come up with whatever interview questions you can can think of for each other.
NOTE: This is the first night of Nightly Check-In where you could make a U.S.A. request of your spouse.
Day 11
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details
___ Short Nightly Check-In, but each of you please make a request of yourself
___ After Nightly Check-In and Chit Chat (in a quiet place), do Write and Share #4
Day 12
___ Together, study Personal Couples Retreat.
___ During Nightly Check In, do Walk and Share #9 (Couples Retreat)
What good things could happen in me through regular Personal Couples Retreats? What good things could happen between us? What good things could happen in our family? What would it take for me to be even more devoted to our Personal Couples Retreats? (What could I specifically do?). Please review Write & Share guidelines if needed.
___ Nightly Check In - During chit chat, plan times for this year’s Personal Couples Retreats or at least the next few.
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker or Treasure Chest. Click here for more on Habit Tracking or Treasure Chest. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 13
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details
___ Play a favorite sport of your spouse’s with him or her that is not a sport you enjoy much, even if it’s just for 10 minutes.
This is not to establish a new ritual. This is to open your heart to your differences and expand your empathy and appreciation for each other. The sports activity itself is just a symbol.
___ Include Couple Care tonight (an optional part of Nightly Check-In), even if it’s just 2 to 5 minutes.
We realize you’re getting thrown into the deep end here at Day 9. Breathe. You can do this. Take it slow and easy.
Day 14
___ As a couple review Managing Incoming, from here (this link) all the way through to “Rehearsal.”
___ Nightly Check-In (at least 5 nights a week)
___ Spend at least 10 minutes in rehearsal, even if you do it all by yourself (without your spouse). Of course it’s much better with your spouse. You could also do this on your Nightly Check-In.
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Click here for more on Habit Tracking. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 15
___ Take a look at Particulars sometime before tonight’s Check-In
___ Nightly Check-In (at least 5 nights a week).
Tonight’s chit-chat can be Interviewing each about each others “Particulars” list.
___ During your conversation, take notes on each other’s Particulars.
Use evernote, or whatever your list making app is. If you’re on a walk, you may need to stop once in a while to do this.
This is an important process in heightening your awareness of each other. It’s easy to think of someone (as taught in Arbinger) as simply being in support of what you need or in opposition to what you need (also known as objectifying a person). “Particulars” and other similar GPS exercises will assist you in tuning into the reality of your spouse as a person in his or her own right! - independent of what she means to you or of what he or she is doing or not doing for you.
Day 16
___ Study, together, Weekly Inventory
___ Nightly Check In - Walk & Talk theme could be: “What do I feel could happen in me personally, if my relationship were more peaceful, more loving, and more fun? How do I feel about the kind of person that’s willing to do Nightly Check In and Weekly Inventory?
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 17
___ Read Serving Together privately, or together.
___ During your Nightly Check-In, use as a Chit-Chat topic;
“What would I feel if, no matter my mood, I looked for and took advantage of opportunities to do things for you?”
“What would happen inside of me if we were to spend more time serving together?” and/or
”What do I think we would both feel if we spent more time serving others together?”
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 18
___ 1 Positive for every 2 to 4 hours you’re away from each other. Click for details
___ Nightly Check In, chit chatting about anything other than your relationship.
___ Before or after walk, study the Articles of Peace together.
Day 19
___ Study Love Seat Together.
___ Schedule a time to do your first love seat with your coach. Click here for an appointment.
___ Nightly Check-In Chit chat could be a Walk & Talk about “Love Seat” i.e.
”What do I feel when I think about completely talking through an issue or difference? What do I think you would feel?”
Day 20
___ Choose Support
It’s been said that we are as successful as the support we choose. It’s so easy to want something but not choose the support that leads to it. Choosing the support you need leading to what you want, in a way, is even more important than choosing something you want! As humans, we need support- much more than we’re sometimes willing to admit to ourselves.
___ Choose a church or other similar support - According to Dr. Brene Brown in a talk given at the Church of England, we really do travel better in flocks. Pick a spiritual support organization that focuses on principles and practices that lead to and encourage a) spiritual transcendence, b) serving each other and c) serving and healing the world around us, starting with our own families, moving to our immediate neighborhood and then out to the world. Church is the best for this, but it doesn’t have to be. There other organizations that create great support for these objectives and are not churches. Personally speaking, there’s no way to describe deeply my involvement with my own church has supported these goals. I love it! But choose what works for you.
___ Choose support for Couples GPS - Ongoing Personal Coaching and/or Mastery
Note that as you get more and more stable and your GPS rituals become more habitual, you will need less and less coaching. Most couples move from weekly to twice a month, to monthly and then quarterly. To guarantee your path, I would never do less than 30 minutes of personal coaching at least every quarter. Click here for an appointment.
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. Please take this at your own pace.
Day 21
___ List whatever personal habits &/or couple rituals you have decided on so far in your Habit Tracker. Please add what you feel good about adding. You could just go with our suggestions in in Couples Rituals, and/or the 40 Day Actions). You could delete things we have. You could add other things you’d like.
Most importantly…
a) Get it all written down
b) Review it in your Weekly Inventory
Note: Keep in mind that whatever you write down doesn’t need to be in stone. You can change it every week if you’d like. You just need to both feel good about it and both be faithful in encouraging each other toward a high level principles and practices leading to what you want.
Click here for more information on Couple Rituals.
Click here for more on Habit Tracking or Treasure Chest
Please note this all takes a ton of support to keep the momentum up. We would love to be there for you.
Click here for an appointment: ww.pathofpeace.org/appointment