Couples GPS - Basics

The Basics, in Your Journey from the Perfect Storm to Perfect Peace

“Basics” current in Squarespace as of 7 9 22. For support in this program, register for personal coaching at pathofpeace.org/appointment. To register for our step by step Couples GPS online course, click here: pathofpeace.org/cgps. Couples GPS is officially endorsed and recommended by Dr. John Lund (who developed the theory of “Love Languages”).

1) Influences
2) Introduction
3) Your Results Are Worth the Work
4) Go the Distance
5) CGPS Rituals (Small & Simple Things)
6) The Perfect Storm (a Stairway to Heaven)
7) Close the Back Door
8) Safety (Why You’re Closing the Door)
9) Frozen Spouse
10) 90/10 (Part the Waters)
11) What Are You Bringing?
12) Underlying Trust- The Pivot Point
13) Embrace Both Ends of the Stick
14) Prayer (a Premier Ritual)
15) Work on the Roof While the Sun is Shining
16) Listen vs. Defend
17) Build Your Friendship
18) A Path to Men Feeling “Good Enough”
19) Stop Talking, Start Breathing
20) Gottman’s 5 to 1
21) The Power of Attachment
22) Safety Fosters Love & Intimacy
23) Relationship by Agreement
24) “And” vs. “If” Agreements
25) Beyond Unilateral Agreements
26) Ownership
27) Rehearsal
28) 100% Accountability
29) Be the Gardener
30) Cherish Your Spouse
31) Face into the Wind
32) Conclusion
33) Epilogue / Invitation

The CGPS principles & practices are inspired by Dr. Sue Johnson, Dr. John Gottman, Dr. John Gray, Dr. Phil, Mel Robbins, Dr. Harville Hendrix, Byron Katie, Emil Harker & Dr. John Lund (especially), Dr. Wallace Goddard and many others- who's material I've studied for years and have integrated in my couples coaching. P.S. The perfect companion for this book is "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson.

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I'll never forget the first time I got a phone with a GPS on it. I was enamored. When my wife and I went to the store, even though it was only 3 blocks a way and I had a perfect knowledge of how to get there, I loved using my GPS. When I went to church, of course, had to navigate (5 blocks away). I even turned it on to see how it would do getting me to the bathroom in my house.

“Couples GPS - Perfect Storm to Perfect Peace” is based on the premise that marriage has a tendency to be a train wreck- derailing our expectations from the bliss we imagined, bringing out the worst in us, leaving us feeling a little lost and needing some guidance to get to our destination.

Reaching this destination (marital bliss) requires a careful look at the pieces of peace. Why peace ? Because peace is the foundation and the road leading to the fun, love and intimacy you seek.

This little collection of blogs (along with the CGPS Course and other reading) is a collection of key “pieces.” By following the step by step reading and actions the best you can (including meeting with your coach) you will successfully navigate from your initial train wreck (the perfect storm) to perfect peace and the fun, love and intimacy that comes with it.

I love restored cars. And for for many, getting an old car to look brand new is a worthy dream. But the steps leading to the results (patience, money and endurance) separate the dreamers from the doers. Be a doer. Get deep into “Couples GPS.” The results are worth and infinite amount more than the the car above could ever be.

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You may not want to hear this, but the truth is: problems are complicated- solutions are simple (not necessarily easy but simple). The CGPS path is simple but indisputably effective. There’s not even a question about that.

The only thing between you and what you want are the steps leading to it.


A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing and is worth saving at any cost (worth every step you'll learn to take in this program). Special thanks to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for making this video (one of my very favorites).

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It’s easy to talk about some of the big ideas we’ll cover below, like “Embracing both ends of the stick” or reconciling yourself with the spiritual magic of the “perfect storm” etc. Here’s the thing: It all means nothing without your willingness to develop couple rituals.

I use the word ritual vs. habit because for me it connotes something warmer and more magical than any of our regular habits like daily planning, or taking our vitamins.

When I was very young, one of our family traditions was going with my brothers and Dad to “Ye Old Donuts” in San Diego, close to the beach. We went most Saturday mornings. I loved those donuts. I loved the tradition.

My rituals with my own kids revolve around movies. We’re all such movie buffs. Our “Its a Wonderful Life” gathering with George Bailey and “Groundhog Day” are, as I mentioned, warm and magical for me. I love watching these same two movies over and over again with my kids. Each of these films has deep meaning to our family.

Rituals are at the heart of Couple GPS objectives.

I was in a meeting with a couple recently. After 30 years of marriage, they seemed buried below layers of emotional sediment- disappointments, betrayal, conflict & hurt. I could see they were discouraged. “It’s an interesting thing” I said. “Problems are complicated. Solutions are simple.” Interestingly this couple had attended tens of thousands of dollars worth of relationships, life mastery and consciousness trainings. Yet, what I said in this moment seemed to strike them. It did me too.

Alma TY’s put it like this, “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.”

Think for a moment of a large, 200,000 ton ship. There are simple, small movements, occurring every day, that not only keep the ship on course but put it back on course even after blowing into treacherous waters.

Couples GPS is a collection of small, simple rituals that will open your hearts to each other, increase you enjoyment of each other and assist you in working through differences and issues in a peaceful, synergistic way.

Examples of small, simple CGPS rituals that create huge results:

• Walking together - fostering health, intimacy and conflict resolution. CGPS is huge on taking walks with your spouse. We’ll get into this in the “Nightly Check-In” ritual.

• Praying together - creating what Dr. John Lund describes as emotional and spiritual vulnerability.

• Learning to be a better listener - such a sweet and simple balm for so much hurt.

• Date night - duh.

• Monthly Private Retreats - overnighters, fun, and most of all, getting to know each other.

The CGPS rituals can simply be a jumping off spot. Use what you feel good about. Change it. Adapt it to your needs. Combine some of it with existing rituals, but most importantly, determine that, going forward, the power and steadiness of these kinds of small, simple rituals will exceed occasional upsets or differences.

A final note on rituals:

Your feelings are not your master. They are your servant. They tell you you’re off course, or perhaps awaken you to your needs. But it is your vision, intuition and willingness to do things you sometimes don’t feel like doing that gets (and keeps you) on course.

😏 Feel what you will, but stay on course with these rituals (i.e. Nightly Check-In, Private Retreats etc.) You may not feel like doing any of it. But what you want to experience will always follow the actions that lead to it.

Do it all, consistently, and tiny turn after tiny turn, your ship will end up in some peaceful, loving waters- No more sediment- just open, blue sky above. See that. It’s your destination. ** Put one foot in front of the other- one ritual after the next. Free yourself from the Hollywood definition of love being a feeling and embrace the true love waiting for you in connection with your rituals.

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“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek” – Joseph Campbell

Hugh Prather once said: “Every married person, wakes up one morning, and looking over a bowl of cold cereal, finds himself face to face with a perfect stranger, and one that he or she doesn’t particularly like.”

This is the moment that Jenkins Lloyd Jones (speaking of newly weds) described as running around shouting that we’ve been robbed. Yet, this is the cave we fear to enter- the cave that holds the treasure we seek. In this sense, as Hugh puts it (if we are willing) it is the beginning of true love.

Let’s break this down.

We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played- We tend to attract the perfect storm- the perfect mismatch.

Based on the theory of the “Perfect Storm”, neither of you are inclined to meet each other’s needs as well as you’d each like. If you need affection you will tend to attract someone who withholds it. If you need open communication, you will most likely attract someone who struggles to talk about his feelings. If you need your partner to deeply care about your personal world, you might tend to attract someone a little more self-centered, and so forth.

Why would you do this? Because it is just what the Doctor ordered (Dr. God)- His plan for your happiness. God gives you “weakness” (as my friend Ether says) so you can become humble and that in your humility- your broken, open heart, you will take His hand and He will make “weak things strong”, featuring, the creation of a wonderful marriage!

The “perfect storm” creates the perfect soul.

So yes, you married for love, but you also (without realizing it) married to become the best version of yourself. This is only possible in the “better and worse” of marriage- what Martin Luther called “The School of Love.”

And we can either embrace this opportunity for growth and transcendence, or run from it.

I was in a line at a grocery store years ago. The woman in front of me had a big cake in her shopping cart. She was on the phone with a friend, telling her friend how excited she was that the big day was finally here- her divorce was final and she’d bought a cake to celebrate with her friends.

No doubt, running from what is hard can result in an initial peace- even exuberance. But running from the opportunity for growth and transcendence that's before us only results in running into even deeper karma (harder lessons)- even more difficult “opportunities” to transcend.

If, however, you choose to embrace what you resist (your marriage)- if you do your best to provide what he or she needs, two magical, wonderful things happen:

🧡1) Your spouse is healed from his or her fears and wounds. 

Why do I say this? One of the reasons she chose you is because you reminded her of someone who had not come through for her earlier in life- making you the least likely to come through with what she most needs.

If you come through for her, you have reached back into her soul, and on behalf of someone else, you have finally given what she needed, even when it’s hard- something no one else has completely done. In this, you have been the hands and heart and voice of heaven in reaching back in time, bringing her (or him) forward- whole and content.

🧡2) You discover missing pieces of yourself

Narelle, for instance (my wife), had a very lonely childhood. Her Dad was a truck driver and was gone most of the time. Her Mom is a quiet woman. This along with some other very unfortunate factors, left Narelle feeling like she just didn’t matter that much. She thirsted for someone to make her a priority.

When Narelle met me I was still coming off the high of being a celebrity in Utah, and wanting to milk every last bit of lime light possible. For me, it was all about the John Canaan show, and I was the priority.

Instead of waking up every morning and asking her what I could do for her, I pursued each day with a list of things she could do for me.

Additionally, Narelle has a very delicate heart. She is loyal and deep, true and good. But the other end of this stick is that she is deeply sensitive. By nature, I can be a wee bit abrasive (I’m being nice to myself here). Picture a bull in a china shop.

The same has been true going the other direction. Narelle is the perfect lady. She thinks about what she’s going to say. She’s careful, conscious and considerate. But all this can often ruin the fun for me. I like to do and say crazy things (right to the edge of inappropriate)- and in public, for a perfect lady, this can be embarrassing.

Note: I recently read the paragraph above to Narelle and included a pretty vivid example of something crazy I love to do. Narelle suggested I take out the example because it's "inappropriate." See what I mean?

In so many ways (some which have been challenging for both of us) Narelle and I were the perfect mismatch. The key word here is “perfect.”

Remember George Bailey at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, running into the house- the district attorney telling him he had a warrant for his arrest. But by this point George understood. “Isn’t it wonderful!?” he exclaimed, “I’m going to jail!”

It was a wonderful life for George Baily- not because of his circumstances, but because of the opportunity those circumstances provided.

Narelle and I, in some key ways, were the least likely people to play the roles each of us needed played. Isn't it wonderful!? Yes. More than I could ever describe- because God, through our perfect storm, makes weak things strong. How else could baby chicks be strong enough to thrive unless the shell is hard enough to strengthen them as they break through it?

This is the miracle of marriage

Since marrying Narelle, I have been, day by day, breaking through the hardened shells of so many weaknesses. God has blessed me to be more in tune with Narelle and to care for her more consistently (things that don't come naturally for me). I have loved discovering and developing this part of me- a part that would have remained hidden and perhaps lost without her.

The same is true with Narelle. I’ve been so impressed with her growth and healed by her love for me- which for me, has been proven over and over, as crazy antics (and other short comings) roll off her like water off a duck.  She’s amazing.  She has come to love and accept me, warts and all- which is what I needed so badly.

This is one of the premiere treasures found in committing- in saying “I do”, which means (as you will consider below), that you never, ever, want to say ‘I don’t.’”

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The Only Way Out is Through

According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, the most important step to healing your relationship, and navigating through the perfect storm is “closing the back door.”

In most cases, when things get rough, there’s sort of a back door exit that starts forming in your mind- “If I could just get out of this marriage (or run off with so and so) oh my goodness life could be so much better.” That back door in your mind opens to Hawaii and just keeps calling to you; palm trees, hula girls, sand, waves, and freedom!

Your current relationship, on the other hand, feels like Vietnam (in the 60’s that is). What’s the solution? Close the back door. Board it up, barricade it and bring yourself back to the opportunity to love and growth that’s right in front of you.

The only path leading to what you really want is going to involve the love of your life- the one who’s eyes you looked into and said “I do” when the preacher said “for better or for worse.”

If times get tough, It will take everything you’ve got- every part of you.  But if part of you is already slipping out to what you think will be Hawaii, then you've already lost.

Turn your ship around.  Keep your promise.  Save your life.  Come through for yourself and your loved one.  

I know it's hard!  It could be the hardest thing you've ever done, but close the back door.

If instead, you continue to entertain thoughts of what “freedom” would feel like (as if leaving your spouse will make you free) - or muse on how wonderful it would be with so and so, or find someone new (someone you have “more in common with” or who isn't as “narcissistic or stubborn”) then the barricades will come down, the back door will crack open, you will give in to your panic and slip out into what you think will be Hawaii. 

It’s not of course- but before you realize that, the 100% of you required to heal your relationship will start to fade and you will have lost everything.

And when I say everything, I don’t just mean the relationship- I mean everything; every heart you promised to protect (vs. break), every aspect of character you were born to develop, every vast treasure of wisdom waiting for you to claim. This is the moment- all coming to a climax here and now, with him or her.

Close the back door and in so doing, gather all the integrity and inner strength you will need to navigate through your deepest fears. Face into the wind. Don’t run away! Run directly into what you fear the most. Because on the other side of it is not only the love you want, but the person you were born to become. Your very soul (the deepest, most ancient part of you) yearns for you to return fully to your marriage. This is where your soul is. Come back!

Remember that what you are imagining is an exit from what you currently don't want, is really an entrance to much more of what you don't want! This has always been the way of things.

[A more complete view of, along the line of the above two pieces is found in “Face Into the Wind”, below]

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Why is this idea of “closing the back door” so important? 2 reasons:

1) You cannot build solution on desolation. You cannot built love on fear. You cannot think straight with a gun pointed at you. If you can’t think straight you cannot discern the path to higher ground.

Lack of commitment causes fear. Fear causes panic. Panic completes the shut down on your marriage. Commitment creates safety. Commitment, even when you can’t stand each other, inspires creativity, negotiation, hope, and the ability to perceive the path of peace and love you're seeking.

This one decision, to commit, will produce the feeling of safety required to work through the very issues tempting you to run.

2) The 2nd answer begins with another question: When does your commitment end?

When there is no one to commit to-  when it’s apparent that your spouse is already gone. But here’s the kicker: You can only know if he or she is gone (or not) if you are committed.

With this in mind, click here to to do the “Divorce Survey & Meditation”, then return back to this page to listen to Jordan Peterson (below).

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Result of back door being cracked open

When we think of the expression "fight or flight" what we don't realize is that there are two other panic buttons; "resignation" (or "check out") and it's cousin, "freeze" (deer in the headlights).

A friend of mine is considering leaving her spouse and has been talking about it with him for quite some time. She told a mutual friend ours that she's been trying to get her husband to improve.  She's suggested counseling. She's tried to inspire him toward change, but with no success.  She feels "at peace" at this point. She's ready to let him go. After all, she has "tried."

It's an interesting thing isn't it?  There's a huge difference between coming to your spouse and saying "I'm thinking about leaving you.  Would you be willing to do some counseling?" and "I'm committed to you and always will be.  I want to heal our relationship.  Would you be willing to do some counseling?"

When someone feels part of your soul has already begun slipping out the back door, he or she also quietly begins to die (as to this relationship). He freezes. His lifeline is being threatened. To have you waffle on that one commitment that he needed more than anything else, is more than his or her heart can bear. It is almost impossible for a man (or a woman) to bounce back with new, improved behavior or the ability to work things out when he feels he's already on death row.

Jesus said, "Peace I give unto you.  Not as the world gives."  The real peace you seek comes in love, service, abiding commitment, patience and long suffering and ultimately crescendos into two miracles:

1) Through your integrity- through keeping your promise you will uncloud your cloudy, palm tree filled mind and sharpen the very discernment you need to decide what is best.

2) You will send the very message of love and commitment that you yourself need so badly.  You will as Gandhi said, "be the solution."

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Everything has momentum, not just the objects in motions that Newton observed- everything.

If you are having a bad day, you’ll tend to continue having a bad day. If you find yourself smiling about something, chances are you will cause a trail of smiles behind you. If you’re in good physical shape you’ll feel inclined to keep working out and visa versa (if you’re not in shape).

The same is true with peace vs. war and conflict. The more negativity you each choose, the lower the trust. The lower the trust, the greater the contempt. The greater the contempt the deeper the negativity.

What makes this worse is that the deeper you spiral into negativity and criticism, the less able you are to pull the plane up out of its nose dive (out of it’s momentum).

Something drastic has to be done.

In this plane metaphor, the nose dive is your conversation about the relationship; disappointments, upset, positions, rightness, who's fault this or that is etc. The solution is obvious. Pull the rip chord. Abort the plane- not the relationship, just the conversation about the relationship!

THE 90
90% of your conversation goes toward getting to know each other and building your friendship.

Building your friendship leads to a feeling of safety and peace, which leads to intimacy and love.

More so, when the 90 is strong, as Stephen Covey puts it, the trust is high. The misunderstandings decrease. The creativity is flowing and the issues and differences are much more naturally solved.

As Mort Fertel puts it, by putting love and friendship first (vs. issues), everything else seems to naturally fall in place.

THE 10
10% of your conversation is about “your relationship” and things you need to work through.

As you force yourself away from your compulsive tendency to talk about your relationship and instead, put your energy toward getting to know and enjoy each other you will experience a miraculous marriage.

Closing the back door (as discussed earlier) sparks the flame that can light this process.

By closing the back door, you’re gathering back the spiritual, emotional and mental strength you need to overcome your fears, forgive, and truly start to get to to know each other, which is what will heal your relationship.

In this transition (from 90% of your conversation about issues to 10%) you and your spouse's fears will calm, your walls will melt, your intuition and spirituality will increase and your character will deepen.

You will love this version of yourself, because it is the real you- a person willing to do what ever it takes to come through for loved ones.

You will feel like Moses as he planted his staff in the ground (his commitment) - and the red sea of the seeming impossible parted before the hosts of Israel. What a moment!

As Moses’s staff parted the red sea, so will your 10/90 orientation, part the negative debris you and your spouse have been swimming in.

Refocusing from a steady diet of issues and complaints to getting to know your spouse is the crescendo of closing the back door and the beginning of an amazing marriage.

In the “Jump Start” phase of CGPS, the first step toward “90/10” is a "Relationships Cleanse” - a 3 to 7 day fast from talking about your relationship (More about this in the CGPS complete course).

For now, just know, going forward- change your focus from frustration to friendship. Seems kind of counter intuitive, I know i.e. “Well if I could relieve some of my frustration by complaining about the problems and whining about his or her’s character flaws or poor performance, then we could get to know each other better.”

But it doesn’t work that way. In fact it works in the opposite direction.

1. Close the back door.

2. Do a “Relationship Cleanse.”

3. Get to know each other.

4. Build trust by building a friendship.

5. Solve issues.

This is the flow, not the other way around - Solve issues, build trust🤨. No.

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Let's take the 90/10 principle and closing the back door to its most logical outgrowth:

In healing and improving your marriage, your emphasis is on your life (not his or hers). In other words, your work centers on what you're bringing to your relationship, which is you. If you are up all night playing Nintendo, or eat donuts for breakfast, or have zero spiritual life etc. you will be bringing insanity to your relationship and to any conversation about issues. For this reason, Couples GPS isn’t as much about marital issues as it is about you as a person.

CGPS says, let’s get you thinking straight. Let’s get your life working. Before considering your relationship, consider what you are bringing to your relationship.

From 1 to 5 (5 being the most), rate yourself in the following:

a) Physically fit b) Emotionally balanced c) Spiritually fit (prayer, meditation, journal, service etc.) d) Financially fit d) Life balance (balance between work, play, service, family, fun etc.)

You cannot have a relationship better than you are. It just doesn't work like that. Go to work on yourself as your first priority and you'll be surprised how quickly things will improve in your relationship.

The Karate kid wasn’t ready for the challenges he faced until his own sense of self-mastery began to emerge. So, wax on, wax off! Let’s get you breathing. THEN we’ll be ready for the challenges and growth you're facing.

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We talked above about what you’re bringing to your relationship in a general sense. There is one area in terms of what you’re bringing however, (above all the rest) that can pivot you toward peace or toward disaster- underlying trust vs. underlying distrust.

I’ve taught this principle for years and to some degree have been blessed to experience it many times. But I’m still surprised at how easy it is to come unraveled in this dimension, even in my golden years of wisdom. 😁

The other day, Narelle and I disagreed on a very trivial household matter. It’s too embarrassing to share what it was, but let me describe my descent.

When it became clear that she wasn’t seeing it my way, I suddenly found myself a bit agitated, at which point Narelle developed a bit of resistance about my agitation! This was followed up by the stupidest conversation you can imagine over this small, tiny, matter. 😣

We were on a walk at the time and where we live, at the high point of my unconsciousness, we happened to be right in front of the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. We decided, as we usually do in moments like this, to pray together.

It was a sweet moment. The contentious spirit between us started melting away and we went back to our walk, just kind of reflecting and talking about what had been going on in our conversation previously.

It was then it hit me- “This isn’t about our household,” I suddenly realized. “This is about trust!” After more than 20 years of teaching “Underlying Trust “(Agreement 2 in the 9 Agreements), it was like I understood it for the first time.

Somewhere deep inside me, at times, I don’t fully trust Narelle’s commitment to my happiness. With what felt like the finger of God on my soul, I realized in that same moment, the truth: “Of course Narelle cares! Of course she loves and cares about me with all her heart!”

So why didn’t I realize that before the prayer at the temple? Because like many of you, I’m just used to not trusting and this is what’s at the bottom of so much conflict!

Think about it. Have you ever found yourself upset on the freeway because someone was obviously trying to kill you? Have you ever wanted to pull your hair out after listening to someone from the “other” political party explain his views? How about something as simply as wondering why someone is taking so long to text you back. Do they not care? Or, are you the lowest item in their priority list? Let’s face it, this is the kind of stuff we tend to swim in. It’s part of being human.

What’s interesting is that as big of a problem as this is, as I found on our walk, the solution is simple- God.

Just as we pray for confidence, love, or understanding- as we pray for underlying trust, a part of our heart opens and God finds times and ways to slip in some trust- here a little and there a little. Because it’s not like you can just decide to trust. But you can decide to pray. I love some of the words to this Hymn:

Before you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? In the name of Christ, our Savior, did you sue for loving favor (for underlying trust) as a shield today? (a shield from contention) Oh, how praying rests the weary. Prayer will change the night to day. So, when life gets dark and dreary (or tense, or conflict habituated etc.), don’t forget to pray. (Parenthesis added)

As you survey the underlying distrust lurking in your soul, consider some “breakthrough” work in the “Path of Breakthrough” book.

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A huge part of trust is what I call “embracing both ends of the stick.” In other words, I trust that all that’s challenging about my spouse is at the other end of the huge stick of who he or she is, and that the sum total of that stick (of him or her) is a wonderful, amazing person who I choose to love, trust, and be loved by.

I mentioned becoming conscious of the “perfect storm” above, and seeing your marriage as a spiritual journey, where both of you a) find your own missing pieces (parts of you yet to emerge or develop) and b) come through for your spouse in a way that only you can (which is why your spouse picked you).

I want to address this again, but in a different context- a launch pad for successful issues management.

As I described above, when Narelle and I got to know each other, we were impressed! Narelle loved my creative mind- singing, song writing, making her laugh, doing all kinds of impressions and routines etc. I was a laugh a minute- continually entertaining and fun to be around. That was one end of the stick.

The other end of the stick (the end that makes the “good” end possible) was a life of utter chaos (something I think Narelle sort had only one eye open to). My place was a mess. I wasn’t up on bills. Everything I ate (during meals), ended up all over the place, including all over me. In general, Narelle would later agree with a tour director we worked with on the way to the Antarctic, that I seemed to experience a “gap in logical thinking.”

As I mentioned, Narelle for me, was the consummate lady- articulate, logical, poised, perfectly prepared for everything, amazingly polite, compassionate and present... I loved it!

What I may have had one eye closed to however, was what made this side (the “good” side) possible. This other side, for me, was over committed to presentation- to an immaculate house, personal appearance (mainly mine) and prone to attempting to tone down a part of myself I truly enjoy, which is my tendency toward bad taste and just being down right obnoxious (which is how I’ve kept myself entertained throughout my life).

Most failures in solving differences result from what Emil Harker describes as a form of insanity- meaning, expecting our spouse to be something different that who he or she is (at least for now). So yes, as I said above, what a wonderful spiritual journey marriage is, in the long view. In the short view, let’s get through some of our differences (some of which can be a bit urgent). This isn’t going to happen if you continue to insist on your spouse being different than he or she basically is, right now.

I once saw a birthday card that said, “I’m not asking much. I just need you to become an entirely different person than you are.”

Praise God for both ends of the stick regarding your spouse. Isn’t it wonderful that what drew you to him or her is still true? Get your arms around ALL of him or her. Because if as you’re working things out, your spouse feels your rejecting part of him or her, then all of him or her will feel rejected- not a good platform for working through problems and differences.

On the other hand, as your spouse senses that you are embracing his or her net goodness- wonder of who he is (the sum of both ends the stick), conversations about differences or specific behavioral requests will land in much more inviting waters.

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Choosing a Spiritual Line of Defense

The movie "War Room" introduces an important reality: There are vast, negative, spiritual forces seeking to divide you!

One of the largest commitments you can ever make is toward whatever disciplines turn up the light bright enough to mitigate these forces.

Here are some common options:

1. Couple prayer

2. Couple meditation

3. Couple mantras (listening and or repeating them together)

4. Reading scriptures together

5. All of the above

If you're inclined toward prayer (which I personally believe to be the most effective), consider the following:

Thomas Monson once gave a newly married couple a piece of life time advice (as relayed by Kevin Pearson):

"Do you want to love each other forever?" he asked the couple. "Yes, of course" came the eager response. "Then each night, on your knees, …pull your sweetheart close to you, and pray together... If you're not feeling like praying... then you're going to want to stay up all night if you need to, until you can pray together."

Not feeling like praying together is a helpful indication that you've gone off the Couples GPS path and a good opportunity for honest self assessment. Perhaps you could try apologizing first, or maybe watch an inspirational video together, then pray.

What I also love about ending the day with couple prayer (and ideally starting it too) is that if you miss every other opportunity throughout the day to let your spouse know how much you appreciate him or her, you have this moment of what Dr. John Lund calls positive/spiritual vulnerability.

Turn on the floodlights Think of it like this: You're going to hit some bumps in the road. The question isn’t as much “what’s going on in our relationship”, as much as it is, "who have I inadvertently invited into our marriage?" It's critical to acknowledge the dark catalyst of unconsciousness and division. He has a name: Satan.

He and his people (all unseen) are like sharks, waiting for anything to be dropped into the water of your relationship. When you drop a little bit of unconsciousness or controlment, blame or reactivity in the water, it’s a feeding frenzy for these little dark sharks. You don’t want that.

So it’s not just your own insanity you’re dealing with- it’s his (Satan’s) the most insane person in the history of this universe. Humble, diligent, sincere couple prayer (or meditation, mantras, positive energy etc.) is like setting up flood lights that can dispel any darkness you may have inadvertently collected.

🧘‍♂️If Meditation. If you choose to mediate together (instead, or in addition to prayer), make it cozy. Sit close on the couch. Hold hands, or walk and hold hands. Choose whatever meditation you feel best about. We suggest headspace.

Make it a habit! I promise you that if you’ll get into the habit of praying (and/or meditating) together, every day, you will grow together, serve together, and love together at a whole new level.

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Once you achieve your fitness goals, good sense dictates that you would continue going to the gym!

Similarly, avoid the temptation to ease up on Couples GPS principles and practices (and meetings) once things are going well! Avoid the temptation to stop working on the roof just because the sun is currently shining.

Interestingly, the best time to work on the roof is when the sun is shining.

Couples GPS will absolutely work for you. It does for everyone. That’s because love is based on living correct principles vs. marrying the “correct” person. But consistency is the secret. Once you start these principles (and however you determine to practice them) determine to go the rest of your life, or you will be right back where you started from and unfortunately sometimes even further back- eventually passing a point of no return.

What am I saying? Keep working on the roof (on principles and practices that draw you together and assist you in working through issues). A roof protects you from the storm. Continue in CGPS and feel that protection. Don’t get casual! Don’t wait until the roof starts leaking to pull out these materials or set up more meetings trying to save what may already be lost.

Stay with the program, even when things are going super well. Why? Because working on a roof when the sun is shining, vs. the panic of a storm is what drives this new higher level of thinking deeper into your life and heart.

I’ve worked with many couples who have gotten so far down the road with CGPS! The results were wonderful. Peace and happiness was abounding, and then, with the sun shining, they abandoned their work on the roof (CGPS habits + coaching meetings). You can guess what happened- and for some, it was just too far of a step backwards to recover from. It’s broken my heart to watch this.

This isn’t you! YOU are smart enough and dedicated enough to keep going, stronger than ever, day after sunny day! There are always some shingles you can batten down a wee bit more.

Bottom Line: You may not need weekly meetings once things are going well for a while, but monthly could be good or even shorter, 30 minute meeting. Plus, you may not need to go exactly “by the book” (CGPS) but it would be smart to continue in these practices in whatever way you’re inspired.

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I went to a seminar once. The presenter's name was Eleanor- a world renowned relationship expert. After an amazing amount of training, she concluded with this statement (or something like it): “The very heart- the key- the secret to communication is this; one person talks and one listens.”

How can something so simple escape us so regularly? Because we’re too busy defending- as if we need to defend.

I took a personality test years ago for my job as a personal coach with Dr. Denis Waitley’s “Winning for Life” team of coaches. It was a 4 hour test, 800 questions, scored by a computer. The test was designed to keep us from kidding ourselves and give us a clear look at how we tend to show up in life.  The test was called the “Winslow.” It measured us in 26 dimensions. One of them was “Defensiveness.” I was surprised to see how high I scored in this area!

It’s taken me years to fully understand defensiveness and more importantly, to understand the solution, which comes in the form of a question.

Here’s the question: When it comes to listening, what have you got to lose?

Is that the coolest!? Because what’s the answer? Nothing.

Here's how therapist Emil Harker puts it, (paraphrased): "Being fallible does not inversely correlate with being lovable." Somehow we've got it in our head that if we're wrong, we're weak or something, maybe we can’t be trusted 😨 or counted on- whatever.

Moreover, we equate anything "wrong" with us, as proof that we're not lovable. Big problem in communication. Because it means I will literally fight to the death (the death of this relationship) to prove that I am NOT the flawed person you're describing me as and therefore you should love me!! So let me prove to you, with the most undesirable aspect of my personality just how desirable and lovable I am.

Pretty insane, I know, and unfortunately, a tendency many of us are all too familiar with.

Go back to Emil's statement. If it's true that your faults don't equal being unlovable, then you've got nothing to lose in your determination to listen to understand, ...other than your false pride, rightness and whatever protection you think you’re creating around your obviously shaky sense of self worth. You can afford to lose all that.

You should lose it. And if it takes you being on your knees with God, every day, asking him to show you just how much he loves you ("warts and all" as my Dad used to say) and how much you’re worth to him- perfect! Then don’t come out of your room for a couple of weeks (or don’t come down from the mountain or the wilderness for a while) if that’s what it takes.

In choosing to listen- even if what this person is saying is something you could take personally- here’s the deal: You’ve got nothing to lose and you’ve got everything to gain.

That doesn’t mean you stand around while someone is ranting and raving (although as you'll see in the coming material, that can sometimes be healing. But that’s a different subject). It means that when it’s time to talk- even when the conversation includes someone's disappointment with you or criticism- this is your chance to rise up as a shaft of light- to hear and to therefore love in a world of people not listening to each other.

There’s a lot of talking going on in this world. Just turn on Fox or CNN and you’ll hear tons of talking- not much listening. Think of what you’re world will be like as you rise above the quagmire, open your ears, open your heart and realize how much good can happen as you listen to hear instead of to defend.

Having said all of this, you have another very important question related to listening, other than "what do I have to lose?" The question is, "In this moment, am I willing and/or even able to actually listen?"  We will cover this fully in Managing Incoming- part of the step by step CGPS course.

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Friendship - Element 1) Getting to Know Each Other

This is a powerful part of a successful marriage. Why?

1. Getting to know you, makes me love you!

2. Feeling known by you makes me feel loved by you!

In getting to know each other you will discover one of the greatest comforts known to man; the companionship of a loving spouse & friend. Every other consideration i.e. issues management, finances, life changes etc. can only work out in the context of a close friendship.

When your friendship is strong, your world is strong. Your life is strong. You will live longer and you will thrive on this earth- not just survive.

The somewhat hidden benefit - the crescendo- the frosting on the love cake is that the more you know and understand each other, the more you tend to trust each other and trust is the key ingredient in successfully navigating issues and solving problems in your marriage.

As the trust grows, solutions come together more smoothly and mistakes are viewed with more patience and forgiveness.

When your emotional bank account is high with each other the victim and other "stories" you tend to harbor get put on the shelf, sometimes forever.

Couples GPS features some wonderful practices toward getting to know and to love each other, notably: Nightly Check-In, Weekly Inventory, Date Nights and Personal Retreats.

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Friendship - Element 2) Serving Each Other

Dr. Liza Shaw has said that "Happiness is a bi product of contribution", or in other words, service - service, not to get something back, but just because we want to give.

Marriage coach, Mort Fertel takes this even further and explains that as much as we try and try to get our needs met by our spouse, our greatest need (down deep) is actually to make sure that our loved one’s needs are met. 🤗

It's magical: The moment I start serving my spouse, something lights inside of me- a sense of love, peace and happiness attainable by no other means. Here’s a deeper look: Trying to get something from my spouse is a reaction to my fears of never having my needs fully met. i.e. “I will never be happy unless I can get him or her to come through for me. How can I get him or her to take better care of me- to speak my love language more consistently?”

This is a dark world, where I am stepping more and more inside myself- where there is no one there but me.  And the more afraid I am of not being loved and taken care of, the deeper I go into self absorption and depression.  And the more self absorbed and depressed I become the less inclined I am to wake up, come out, find my loved one and do something to make him or her happy.

I read about a man who had already been served his divorce papers.  It had been a downward spiral of trying to control each other, complaining (from both sides), stonewalling, etc. for months- perhaps even years.  They’d tried counseling, talking to their Pastor. They seemed to have tried everything.

One day, this fellow got it in his mind that he hadn’t tried service- not completely.  He started looking for as many ways to serve his wife as he could think of.  The result was miraculous.  The divorce papers were torn up. The marriage was saved.

A close friend of mine (I’ll call her Sharon) had the same experience.  For 20 years Sharon contemplated divorce- talked about divorce, threatened her husband that unless he changed she would leave him etc.  One morning she woke, with two questions, streaming into her heart- one after the other. It was like a voice from Heaven:

Question 1) “I wonder if he feels loved?”

There was a long moment of stunned silence as Sharon contemplated her husband’s feelings. Then came the next question (even more stunning);

2) "What would happen if I gave to him, everything I wanted from him?”

Everything changed.

I spoke with her 10 years later.  Still, to that day, they couldn’t get enough of each other. It was a miracle.

The Best Two Years

There’s another story I recently heard (I’ll call them Jill and Jason). After 13 years of trying, they couldn’t seem to get their marriage to work. It was constant conflict and they decided to divorce.

They’d signed the papers and Jason was in the process of moving out. In the midst of it all, Jill got sick- it was some sort of cancer and it was clear to both of them that her days were numbered.

Jason’s heart softened- so much that he immediately moved back in and began caring for Jill. He was faithful. He was tender, patient and encouraging. Somehow this vulnerable version of his wife was calling the very best out of him.

She lived for two more years. Through the course of this time they would often tell friends that it was by far the best two years of their marriage and of their lives.

While Jill was still alive she encouraged Jason to marry again when she was gone, which he did. The follow on to this story is fascinating to me. Because of who he’d become, he succeeded in attracting a 2nd marriage into his life that was just as good as the first.

The problems' we face are usually not related to the people we’re with, but rather, the care and love we hesitate to give. What do I mean?

Who you truly are- a child of God, is bright and beautiful and loving. How could this not be? God is love and you possess His spiritual DNA. You are love. Regardless of how you feel, if you will grab yourself by the shirt (as Mel Robbins puts it) and serve your spouse, your heart will open to him or her.

How is this?

The more you serve, the more you become this best version of yourself (the child of God version) - a version that brings you and others joy- a version you enjoy. Consequently, it’s easier to love yourself. And when you love yourself, your heart automatically opens to your spouse.

In other words, love isn’t about who you love. It’s about you. The sun shines on everything. Why? Because it’s the sun!! The sun just shines! So do you.

NOTE: Service is a premiere level of thinking, but it is only one.  There are situations where you will need to carefully consider your personal boundaries right along side your commitment to serve.

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Friendship - Element 3) Serving Together

I saw a post on Facebook the other day with pictures of a newly in love couple. The young woman posting, concluded with these words: “I’m so happy he is mine.”  To a large degree most of us fall in love more with our relationship  than we do our spouse. What drives us to marriage isn’t as much our commitment to love, as it is a desire to be loved and to belong.  As wonderful and human as this desire is, it’s the groundwork for disappointment.

Our focus on our relationship, ironically, tends to set us up for disappointment, brittleness, guilt and conflict. You can’t afford to make each other the answer to your existential doubts.

Holding each other’s hands, however, as you serve a common vision, reduces expectations, renews emotional space, fills you each with confidence and floods your heart with positive feelings- not only for each other but for life.

The "Clarence Plan" It was Clarence’s understanding of this that caused him to dive into the icy water the night George Bailey was contemplating suicide. Clarence knew that if in the midst of George’s self absorption he could suddenly interject an opportunity to save someone else, that it would save George.

So it is with you two. There are so many people in your lives that need you to dive in, and diving in (or serving) together makes twice the fun.

Consider your greatest loves- your most inspiring common visions i.e. • raising your kids • working together in church service • assisting in a community cause etc. (See "Just Serve")

Serving together in these kinds of shared visions creates love, intimacy and joy in your marriage that nothing else can. Why is this? Because the more I serve, the more happiness and fulfillment I experience. And the happier I am, the easier I am to get along with. But it gets better. In this state of service and deepened fulfillment, without the frustrations and projections that come in self absorption, it’s easier for me to see how wonderful you (my spouse) are.

Giddy in Love I think the best description I've ever heard about the power of serving together was a statement by a friend of mine who spends at least a quarter of each year assisting the poor and needy (hands on) in 3rd world countries.  She once said to me, "John, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just Giddy with happiness."

Serving together is the fastest route to the truest love - not because you have the perfect spouse - you may not - but because your heart is full of love -  and perfect love casts out all fear - and within 2 fearless hearts is the possibility of a glorious (perhaps almost "Giddy") marriage.

"Dear Narelle, I can't imagine life without you and every day is a gift because of you. I once heard that true love isn't just looking into the eyes of your beloved-  it is holding her hand and looking into the eyes of God, together- to walk together in service, to sing together in service, to feel the joy of touching the ones we love together in service."  - (Note to Narelle on her birthday)

Element 3 - Takeaway Assignment

Dear reader,

Please take time with your spouse (right now) to clarify weekly, monthly, yearly and even daily service possibilities you can engage in together. Discuss any and all possibilities i.e. service missions, community projects, church callings, regular family service projects etc. (See www.justserve.org).

Please transform you brainstorming into specific goals and record your action plans in your calendars.

Love, John & Narelle

P.S. Serving together insures a vibrant, fulfilling marriage, forever! 💜🙂

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This is also an element of friendship but is so important that it needs its own chapter.

We’re going to hit this from two angles- first, “the Princess and the pea.”

Studies show that women are a bit less likely to be happy in marriage than men. Why is this? One reason is that the underlying, healthy, identity of a woman is what I call the “reigning queen.” She is, at the heart of her, nobility- anxious for goodness to prevail and perhaps even more importantly, sensitive to what is amiss in her kingdom and committed to correcting it.

There is an old fable that will bring some light to this idea.

🟢 Long ago, a prince wanted to marry a princess but was having difficulty finding a suitable wife. None of the young ladies he’d courted seemed majestic enough. Some had bad table manners or just lacked the mystery and dignity of royalty.

One stormy night a young woman drenched with rain seeks shelter in the prince's castle. She claimed to be a princess, so the prince's mother decided to test their unexpected guest, by placing a pea in the bed she is offered for the night, covered by huge mattresses.

In the morning, the guest tells her hosts that she endured a sleepless night- kept awake by something hard in the bed that she is certain has bruised her. With the proof of her bruised back, the princess passes the test and the prince rejoices, for only a real princess would have the sensitivity to feel a pea through such a quantity of bedding (Only a real princess could be this easily disappointed). The two are happily married, and the story ends with the pea being placed in a museum.” (From Wikipedia - Italics added.)

👨 As men, we’re drawn to this princess persona- to her integrity, her goodness and sensitivity. We’re not as excited however about the other end of the princess stick which is her majesty's disappointment when something is amiss in her kingdom- moreover, when something in us seems amiss, which tends to make us feel not good enough.

But here’s the deal men- you decide if you’re good enough. You. She’ll do her best, but don’t lay this on her. She’s a princess. You knew that going into this. Don’t be running around complaining about never being able to make her happy or never being good enough for her, blah, blah, blah. Oh my goodness, you’re killing her! Be a man. Look in the mirror and say, as Mel Robbins suggests, “You are awesome!” and let that be good enough in feeling good enough.

Now let’s take this from the other end of the court.

👩‍🦰 Research shows that when a woman walks out of theatre, having just watched a romantic comedy, to some degree, she tends to like her man less.

Woman tend to be more dreamy. They have this wonderful vision of how love should look and feel. That’s another one of the reasons we’re drawn to them. But, the other side of the stick (in terms of dreamy) is easily let down.

Ladies. Your man is starving for your approval. A man’s subtle, underlying and healthy identity is “Superman.” He is on a mission to save the world, to change history, to rescue the helpless and distraught, featuring you.

The thing he sensed you lacked when he met you, was him. He could feel it. As Superman he wanted to rescue you from a life without him. He was the missing piece in your happiness and he thrived in this. Don’t take this away. His greatest need in life is to feel like he’s a success, and mainly, with you.

Keep telling him, every day, in as many ways as you can, just how enough he really is. I know. It kind of goes against how you actually feel at times; He’s not sensitive enough. He’s not flexible enough. He’s not tall enough, or buffed enough. He’s not rich enough. He’s not steady or consistent enough. His commitment to your love language isn’t enough. But you know what?! He’s breathing. He loves you. He’s trying. And that’s enough to celebrate.

Of course you can (and should) lead him and encourage him toward coming through for you even more, but as Dave Newren says, you cannot build success on failure i.e. “The beatings will continue until the morale improves.” You can only build success on success.

Let your cheerleading and encouragement and the U.S.A. requests you’re learning to make in this course continue to show him- to prove to him that he’s a success.

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This is the mother lode.

Why on earth would you want to talk if you’re unconscious, full of your story, swimming around in your reactive mind and generally incapacitated?  You wouldn’t.  So don’t. Don’t talk.  Let peace begin with you.

Bring your issues to your Request List and to the Lord and hopefully to your coach, counselor or ecclesiastical leader. Bring your love, friendship and your specific requests to your spouse.  (Note: "Requests" come at different levels depending on what stage you're at.)

Click here for the whole story in the context of “Managing Outgoing.”

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This is a smaller “Piece” of marital peace, as far as size of this chapter but make no mistake- choosing communication that is significantly more positive than negative makes almost everything else in this book possible.

According to Dr. John Gottman (foremost marriage researcher in history) the magic ratio in couples communication is 5 to 1, meaning, as long as there are 5 times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship will be stable and will flourish.

Dr. Gottman is able to predict a successful marriage vs. divorce based on this ratio. If you make no other commitment in consequence of Couples GPS, but focus on and master this one, you will almost always be successful in turning your relationship completely around toward an amazing life together.

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Before reading next chapter, listen to Amy (below) and see if you can figure out what love is really about.

We may not fully notice what’s going on in us during courtship but marriage holds the dreamy promise of nurturing our deepest needs. In this sense, some would say adoption is a better word than marriage - "I’ll adopt you and take on your unmet childhood needs and you adopt me to do the same. I’ll be your Daddy and you can become my Mommy."

At the heart of this- the deep end of the romance pool, is what social scientists call our need for “attachment.”

It’s telling to note that Amy Grant wrote “Baby Baby” for her first daughter (not her lover) yet, as we hear it- something kind of magical tingles inside our romantic hearts (to be permanently attached to another soul- to Mama or Daddy).

This is hard to fully accept - I’m not a baby! I’m just romantic! (or I just want someone to love!). We even stopped calling each other “baby” (I miss those days)- It’s “babe” now. What’s that!? 😮

Believe it or not though, we’re all trying to recreate this (below)- what Amy sings about above.

That’s you on the left by the way (the littler one).

Each of us yearns to be safely attached to our spouse or significant other. This is what every love song ever written is about. But as romantic as successful attachment feels (i.e. “Baby Baby”, “The Way You Love Me", “You and Me“ etc.) the other end of the stick (detachment) is as terrifying (i.e. “I Can’t Live if Living is Without You.” etc.).

I once saw a study of couples with husbands in the military, soon to be deployed. The study showed that soon before separating from each other, couples are prone to arguments and conflicts. You’d think two people, before separating, would be cleaving to each other, not fighting. But the study suggests a core truth about attachment. We tend to figure out ways of beating each other to the punch (to detachment)!

Understanding defensiveness, contention, emotional divorce etc., can only occur in the context of attachment. These kinds of coping strategies (defensiveness, withdrawal etc.) keep us safe (or so we think) but at the same time, sabotage the joy we could otherwise experience.

In this light, be sensitive to what conflict is really about. It’s about an underlying fear of disconnection- a fear of abandonment and what that means to your ancient mind- death. Whatever issue you’re working through isn’t the real issue. Notice this and talk humbly and openly about it. Share your feelings of fear and disconnect- not your rage, accusations, judgments or put downs. All of that insanity is just protection against your fear of being left alone out in the woods in the rain and dying there. Sounds crazy but at some level in your heart, it's true.

Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight suggests that at the heart of every conflict is: “Are you still there for me?”  “Are we still together?”  “Do I still have a home with you?” “Is my world secure?”

This is what’s happening- not a conversation about money, or work or anything else. Navigate this before first. Then navigate your issues (See “Close the Back Door”)

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With this in mind (attachment), I can't emphasize this idea of safety enough. Attachment opens the door to eternal love, but lack of safety will keep closing it, over and over again.

It is the safety that you create in your relationship that opens up every good and joyous possibility between you and your spouse. Spencer Kimball once said that though God knows each us, completely, that it is usually through someone else that he reaches us.

This, in a way, is the purpose of marriage; for God to reach your spouse (and your children) through you- for your spouse and children to know God’s love by the way you talk to them- by the feeling that exists in every conversation- the feeling of peace.

An obituary from one of Lucille Johnson’s daughters read: “Here's what we learned from you…to love ourselves- and to never forget that God adores us. Mom, we know He adores us because you did.”

But it gets better.  

The double win in our most intimate relationship is this:  If God can reach your spouse through you, then he has reached you too and visa versa.  How we reach each other is through love, patience, kindness, unconditional trust and most of all, what all of this creates: safety.

Your companion (and your children’s) secret plea to you will always be: “Please, make a world for me that is so safe that all I feel to do is to fully live- in every way- to spread my wings and fly.”  If, in the midst of issues, if you can create a feeling of safety, then you have reached your family with the love of God. And perhaps more importantly, God has fully reached you with his love.

🌼 Love grows in the soil of this peace.  

Couples GPS features creating peace and safety in your day to day relationship and especially in your management of issues. This feeling of safety turns out to be the premiere ingredient in all high stakes conversations. The content (what you’re talking about) means almost nothing compared to the safety you create as you talk. This is what good communication thrives in. This is the ground in which the deepest of love can grow.  This is the space in which you learn to fly as a human being and as a child of God.

Question: Why is it that the one person you need the most has a tendency to make you feel the least safe?

Answer: Because you love him and need him the most (because of the attachment). Loving someone and needing someone this much makes it easy to feel threatened by his or her actions or words (or lack of).

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Attachment is a sweet deal at first and is the focus of most Hallmark movies (also known as "romantic love") i.e. "Finally, I am loved! Finally my needs will be met. Yay!" 😍

But the other side of this stick is volatile (the nuclear melt down side- as we’ve discussed above), where each potential issue or conflict isn't just about preferences- It’s about life and death. If things aren’t going our way- if we think the other person isn’t coming through, our very lives feel threatened. Our response to our loved one not coming through- not meeting our needs is: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Give up (resignation).

The self evident solution is to train ourselves to explore how to get our needs met without having to kill each other, leave each other or give up on each other in a manipulative effort to survive.

This path- this other way of responding to our own needs and fears is called: Agreement.

The idea of agreement appeals to our logical mind but in the wake possible disconnect, just doesn't seem to occur to us.

It's never ceases to amaze me, during a meeting with a couple when I ask a wife or a husband, "So what, specifically, would you like request of your spouse?" At this point, I almost always get this deer in the headlights response- kind of a  “What are you talking about?!” because for them there is only fight or flight or give up.

Let's boil this down: At one level of thinking, pretty much all conflicts are agreements begging to be made. But this is counter instinctive because your instincts are to run from or eliminate anyone who seems unwilling to validate you and your needs.

The key is request- simple, specific, requests.

This opens to the door to conversation, listening, hearing, exploring options and then finally to an agreement. And what a wonderful journey all of this is compared to fight or flight.

Here are a few examples of the specific requests some of my clients have made of their spouse that could have spared each of them from weeks, months and even years of conflict:

• “I would like it if we could just lay in bed and hold each other, at least once a week. Would you be willing to do that?”

• "Would you be willing to hire a financial planner that could look at our budget with us?"

• "Could you spend at least 30 minutes playing with the kids when you get home?"
  

I make requests and agreements sound pretty easy. They aren't easy, but the process can be positive and painless with just a few key guidelines:

1. No one is wrong and no one's feelings or needs are invalid. This is huge.

2. Create an agreement via respect and synergize (as Covey puts it, “Think Win/Win”).
   Come up with a way where, as much as possible, you both get as much of what you need as possible.

3. With #2 in mind, keep talking. There is always a 3rd and perhaps 4th alternative to the "A, B" conversation you have a tendency to get entrenched in. "

Here's quick personal example: Narelle likes to do our weekend get-aways with little open bags (i.e. little girly, blingy bags etc.) in addition to her main bag(s). It makes her feel like she's not bringing as much- like she's not "moving in" (as she puts it). I (on the other hand) absolutely hate open bags (bags with no zippers). They make me crazy (I'm kind of O.C.D. on stuff like this. I like everything tucked in- battened down).😨

For years we would go the rounds with this. She'd want to throw a few open bags into the back seat of our car. I'd run into the house, get a suit case (my agenda) and self-righteously start repacking her stuff into actual “bags." That didn't usually work out well.

Finally, we got our heads into this concept of agreement and decided to consider the possibility of a 3rd option.

The solution: Duffle bags, as many as we need. These duffle bags occurred to Narelle as informal, casual- not like we’re "moving in."  And they occur to me as easy to handle, actual bags (vs. open bags). Such a win-win!

The other key thing about agreements, and a distinct path to maintaining peace and love in your marriage is to take the time, each week to review and refine agreements. You’ll sett this up in the CGPS course with Weekly Inventory.

Many agreements are built into your Habit Tracker (i.e. Date Night, Nightly Check-In etc.) but some agreements are unique to you and your spouse and deserve weekly attention at your Inventory. You could keep these agreements in a notebook or in a folder on your phone.

Bear in mind that "Couple Agreements" (according to Emil Harker) are more often TWO unilateral agreements. Emil emphasizes that your promise to your spouse shouldn't depend on his or her promise to you.

Here’s the over arcing rule to agreements: Keep your agreement or change it to something that works for both of you.

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In a couples video meeting recently, Julie (name has been changed) told me that her and her husband were having a love language problem. “My love language is quality time” she explained. “His is sex. The problem is” she said, “We don’t have hardly any quality time together, but he still wants sex. I’m just not feeling it. I can’t do it!” “I’ve told him” she said, “I can’t be intimate with you if we don’t enjoy time together. So if we could start spending more time together, then I’ll feel better about being intimate.”

What a strange thing I thought. Couples tend to think in terms of a hostage exchange!

”How about this...” I said, “Brian (name changed), I’m not feeling it too much right now, but yes, let’s do it, AND afterwards, let’s schedule some date nights, private retreats and decide on a regular time for nightly check-in. Would that work for you?”

There isn’t a man on earth that wouldn’t work for. He’s coming out ahead on both fronts. After all, he too loves to be with you!

And think about how much more motivating this is- how much more heart opening. “I trust you. I know you’re wanting me to be in the mood for sex, and maybe you’ve just gotten a little lost along the path that leads to it. I’m willing to help get us back on track with that path. Let’s do this. Mood or not, let’s spend some time in bed. I want to do that for you just like I know you want to plan some quality time for me.”

Let’s look at another example:

It’s Saturday morning and Jill wants Rick to help clean the garage with her. Rick wants to do it another time. “The sun is shining” he says, “The birds are chirping. Life is calling to us to live and love together! Let’s go hiking!” Jill isn’t buying it. “No way!” she says, “You’re always wanting to head out for some adventure and leave my need for a clean, organized space in the dust (no pun intended).”

”I’ll tell you what” she suggests, “If you’ll start doing more around the house and make some headway on things like the garage, then yes, let’s see about doing some hiking.”

The problem is, Rick would feel better about cleaning the garage as a chance to exchange trust and service vs. making it a carrot. Big difference.

So, let’s try it again, “Well, things are getting a little backed up in some of our home projects” Jill says, “But, (committing to “And” agreements), the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. So let’s do it! Let’s go hiking, and then I’d love to come back and put and hour or two into this garage. Would that work for you?”

Note: If after a few “And” agreements, Rick doesn’t prove to be a team player, then reverting to a few “if” agreements, temporarily, would be appropriate. That’s a good boundary.

But let's look at what a little miracle “And” agreements can be:

• “And” agreements send a message to yourself to be the solution, vs. squawking about your partner’s part in this.

• “And” agreements send a message of and build underlying trust between you and your spouse.

• ”And” agreements send a message of hope, anticipation and encouragement regarding your spouse's willingness to take care of you (vs. “Since you’re rejecting me and my needs, I’ll reject you and yours.” Don’t do this to each other!)

• “And” agreements get the ball moving in terms of both of your needs, vs. keeping your impasse stuck in the mud. What’s the “mud”? Your message of discouragement or of “you’re not doing good enough in this area” i.e. “The beatings will continue until the morale improves.”
  
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There’s another level of agreements we touched on earlier that deserves our consistent attention.

As I mentioned, Emil Harker stresses agreements being unilateral. I’ve written hundreds of pages about this myself (See the 9 Agreements). I explain there that each relationship is actually two relationships:
1) Your relationship with me and
2) My relationship with you.

So where is “our” relationship? Good question.

Let’s be honest, most of the time when you want to talk about your relationship with your spouse, what you really mean is “I’d like to talk about what a jerk you are. You can ask questions afterwards, but its basically where the conversation is headed.” Why do you think people cringe when you say “We need to talk.”?

Yes, there actually being two relationships and minding my own business- my relationship to you is healing (vs. getting in your business (your relationship to me).

But let’s get back to the question. When does it make sense to talk about “our” relationship?

Dr. Sue Johnson teaches that marriage is like a “dance.” Sometimes we’re moving well together but often we unconsciously choreograph dances of death where, the more you ____________, the more I _________ and the more I ______________, the more you _____________.

Perhaps the most common of these dances (according to Sue) is the more I demand, criticize or pressure you, the more you defend, distance and stonewall, and the more you defend and stonewall, the more I criticize, lash out and even threaten etc.

What Dr. Sue is saying is brilliant! Yes, minding my own business and being accountable for what I'm creating is huge. But in a sense, this awareness often serves best as background to an even bigger- even more healing level of thinking: “What is it that we have constructed together and what do we continue to construct together?!”

Agreement 9 says “I cause my world” but in a sense this is just the beginning of healing. The most important aspect of what I’m causing is something that neither of us are! - a relationship structure we keep trying to make work, but doesn’t- an emotional loop, a dance of death that isn’t either of us, but is rather, a separate virtually independent entity.

So now, with this independent entity in site- this little horrible house of heartache we’ve built together- instead of blaming my partner, or on the other side of psychosis, instead of jumping to the conclusion that I am irredeemably flawed or broken, my attention goes toward something I can and ought do something about- the construction, the collusion (in Arbinger language), the circle- It’s not you or me at this level of thinking- It’s us! What have we built?

In other words, looking more at the dance vs. the dancers moves us far away enough from our co-created traffic to get a clear picture of what’s causing it (picture the channel 5 traffic helicopter).

What’s the take home to this chapter? Realize, as you should (and as we’ll continue to cover below), that you have created your world- every bit of it (Agreement 9), but maintain careful attention on what you as a couple have collaborated on- your “dance.”

Spend some time on this when you do a “Loveseat” (It’s built into Loveseat” or any other time you just want to start reconstruction on a new dance, a new home, a new relationship).

1. The more you, or when you __________, I ____________

2. The more I or when I _________, the more you tend to __________, which makes me feel even more ___________ , and act out by __________.

3. And the more I act out like this, the more you seem to _________ etc.
   

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I’ve talked a lot about agreements, which is awesome, because this is where it’s at. I’ve talked about co-creation too, which is even a bigger deal.

There’s still piece in all of this, related to Accountability and Responsibility, but that needs it’s own space. This is a piece that if mastered, greatly enhances the chances of agreements being made and reconstruction of new relationship patterns being completed - This piece is what I call “ownership.”

When approaching someone with an issue, you’ve got two choices- It’s about him or her, or, you could own this thing, meaning it’s about you! Even your upset with negative patterns or death dances is, after all, about you.

Accountability (discussed later) is connected to this but is more applicable in solving a problem (i.e. “Here’s how I created this is ________” etc.) than introducing one.

Ownership is about honesty.

Who’s problem is it, after all? It’s yours!

I can’t tell you how many times through the years, my wife has asked, “Why is it that you always want to make me the solution to your problem?”

For instance, I don’t like the tone Narelle takes with me sometimes. She’s not mean or nasty. It’s just a bit of a “tone” (I think you know what I’m talking about). My solution has been, “Honey, I don’t like it when you take that tone with me. Maybe you could not do that.”

What’s up with that? Narelle’s right. She’s talking how she wants to talk. If I’ve got a problem with my self-esteem and tend to take a fly landing on me, personally, it might be better for me to work that out- vs. making the Narelle the focus.

If your child’s room is consistently a complete mess, who’s problem is that? It’s not his! He doesn’t care. It’s yours. You care. So approach it like that.

Let’s go back to your spouse’s “tone.” Firstly, don’t just reactively launch- like he or he is a fire that needs to be put out. You’re the fire- not her. Your reaction, your interpretation, your sensitivity etc. These are all your problems, not his or hers.

Don’t get me wrong, ultimately, working through most issues should lead to agreement and /or explaining your boundaries i.e. “So when you talk like that, I think I’d like to spend some time away from you and maybe do some shopping if that’s O.K.” That’s cool. That’s your boundary.

This is different than, “So when you talk like that, you are truly causing me a lot of emotional pain. I wish the h___ you’d get some therapy or something to solve your problem. And by the way, you are now on probation. Please join the dog tonight out at his place in the backyard until further notice.”

Change scenes for a moment. How about your kid’s messy room? Your initial instinct might be “Bobby, we’ve got a problem here. Your room is a pig sty!” Who has the problem? “We”? Do you have a mouse in your pocket? It’s certainly not Bobby.

Years ago I was at the Capitol records recording studio recording my 1st CD with several of the highest paid studio musicians in the world. I figured they’d be so into the project, if for no other reason than the pay. But one of them, every time we paused for something- like rewinding the reel back a minute etc. he’d get on his phone, checking his messages or chatting or whatever.

I got on the engineer’s mic., that went into all the musicians headphones and said something like, “We’re paying you guys a lot of money. Can you please be more present?!” or something like that. I’ll never forget the bass player’s response as we got ready to roll the tape again. Using studio language related to getting the right settings for his instrument, he said, almost under his breath, “Get a level on the bad vibes.”

He was right, I was having a problem, and pointing my angst toward him, which was creating bad vibes for everyone.

Again, don’t get me wrong. As I’ve said, all conflicts are agreements begging to be made. But start with ownership i.e. to my bass player, “Hey guys, I think I’m kind of freaking out over the cost of this whole project. Please, all of you, forgive me for my nervousness. I wonder if you guys could do me a favor. I’d love it if we could all kind of dial in to each other and to the music a bit more and if you could, maybe not take any text messages until we take a lunch break. Would that be O.K.”

Notice where the accent was? Me. Note that in this example, even though I would have been seeking an agreement with the musicians, I came to the conversation as the owner of a problem, not the victim of one.

How about Bobby’s room. “Bobby, can I share something with you?” (It’s always best to start with enrollment as you’ll read later). “Yes, what is it Mom?” “When I look into your bedroom I feel all shaken up inside, kind of like a pear tree and King Kong is shaking the h___ out of it- trying to get some fruit . No, that’s not quite it. When I look into your room I want to drive out to the great salt lake, strip down, and jump into a school of brine shrimp. It’s torture Bobby. It’s torture. And I get it that it’s my problem. Could you advise me on this Bobby? What would you do if you were me?”

This can lead to all kinds of possibilities- not the least of which is your boundary. In other words, now that you’ve approached the issue honestly and invited Bobby into a search for a solution, if none of Bobby’s solutions work (i.e. keep the door closed, pretend it’s the room doesn’t exist, don’t worry about it etc.), you’ve now at least laid the ground work for your boundary i.e. “I really appreciate our talk about this. I think in the final analysis for me Bobby, here’s what we’ll do (See the “Family GPS” course for ideas).

Regardless of agreements or boundary, or your enthusiasm about reconstructing relationship patterns, the idea here is to start with ownership vs. blame and victim. This is the groundwork for empathy, buy-in, solutions and reconstructing patterns.

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Couples GPS is counter intuitive and goes against your current ways of managing issues. That's where rehearsal comes in.

Consider school fire drills- strengthening habits that lead children to safety during emergencies. It’s a big deal in school. Why not marriage?

Rehearsal enhances the chances of navigating through potentially tough moments toward peace, especially in Managing Incoming and Outgoing. Rehearse what happens when someone isn't comfortable with a conversation. Memorize some of your favorite phrases from Managing Incoming.

Josh Kaufman says you can learn anything in 20 hours. But what if you spent 200? With enough practice you will be more inclined to get some time out vs. go to war. You’ll learn to ask for what you need rather than hinting or criticizing. You’ll learn to respectfully work through issues rather than making your partner wrong or insulting his or character. That's a lot to look forward to. Keep practicing!

The other thing to keep in mind when it comes to rehearsal is this:

When the emotional bank account we have with each other gets low, we quickly digress toward misunderstandings, conflict, and distrust and distrust puts us in a fight or flight mode. It’s during these times you need to rely on previous rehearsals.  Why do you think children do fire drills?  Without the drill, when impulse to fight or run occurs, you’ll be inclined to do what you’ve rehearsed vs your knee jerk reaction!

The paradox to rehearsing procedures (drills) is that when things are good and emotional bank accounts high, why would you rehearse what to do during a conflict?  But this is exactly when to rehearse, because you sure aren’t going to once hell is starting to break loose.

The double win with rehearsal is that you’re helping to heal a larger problem.  What's the larger problem? - that you would even need to be reading this - that you need a protocol to deal with your distrust or your inclination to take things personally. [Even if something was meant to for you to take personally, you still don't need to take it personally].  

Rehearsing positive protocol then, 1) retrains your instincts toward peace vs. war, and even more importantly 2) sends needed messages to your brain as you continue in your journey toward wholeness i.e. "I’m O.K.  Everything's fine. I’m safe. I don't have to run. I don't have to fight. I can take a minute to feel God's love. I can take a walk to examine at my story." etc.

The game is won in the drills - You are involved in a game against your own negative tendencies. Most of this game is won in the drills- not when the coin is tossed and you start heading down the field (against your own life long habitual behaviors). Know and practice this material like your marriage depends on it. It does.

I’ve posted this picture Alex Hammold again as a visual that love and intimacy, just like climbing a cliff straight up, requires an amazing amount of practice, consistency and even drills.

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According to Dr. Gaye Hendricks, all relationships conflicts and political conflicts would end if everyone involved, every time, took 100% responsibility, or as is recorded in the original Hoʻoponopono, said “I am responsible for this.”

This is a powerful possibility. Consider the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee in the new testament.

"Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner."

"I tell you," Jesus said, "this man went down to his house justified (happy, balanced and at peace) rather than the other."

If even one of you does what the publican did, all heaven can break loose. If both of you do what the publican did, there's no stopping what you can create together.

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There’s a wonderful scripture- “…if men come unto me, I will show them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that… if they humble themselves , and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” - Ether 12:17

Wow! Is that cool? It is.

But I think we miss something sometimes.

It’s not just you and me, personally, that God can refine. It’s our marriage. It’s the “dance” Sue Johnson talks about. We can re choreograph. We can try new steps and in the end, we can create a dance that actually works- to replace the one we’ve been stumbling all over the place with.

My amazing wife demonstrated this to me years ago in a big way.

We were heading into our 1st anniversary. Weeks away, I’d planned nothing. Days away, nothing. We were getting right up to the moment of truth when I could prove how much I cherished her and how devoted I was to her happiness. Still… nothing. Now, in my defense, it’s important to note again… nothing. I have no defense. Honestly, this is an area I’ve struggled with. I show Narelle love in an abundance of ways, but planning events isn’t one of them.

That’s where Narelle’s miracle comes in (and it took me years later to see just how significant what she did was).

Narelle decided to not count this (or focus on this) as a personal weakness of mine, but rather, decided to view it as a weak link in the chain of our marriage. Can you believe this? Even as I’m writing this, I’m still so blown away, because she could have created such a story about what an un-cherishing, self-absorbed idiot she’d married and held it against me the rest of our life together.

But here’s what she did do. She did an internet search for bed and breakfasts in Utah. She found what looked like the mother lode. It was up Ogden canyon- the “Alaskan Inn.” She saw you could arrange a sleigh ride with real horses (vs. a tractor), and end the ride with hot chocolate. It all looked wonderful and magical to her, so she booked it.

We had a marvelous time. The breakfast was amazing. The sleigh ride was enchanting (the hot chocolate perfect) and the little cabins at the Alaskan Inn were so cozy! We even brought some sleds and had a bunch of fun on some snow covered hills.

We’ve been going back to the Alaskan Inn almost every year for 14 years and each time, as I think back on that first time, I marvel at Narelle’s choice that 1st weekend years ago.

• Narelle chose to be the sole author and architect of her experience on earth and her marriage with me (Someone else’s weakness wasn’t going to block her happiness).

• Narelle chose to not wait for me to be the solution (once she saw the problem). She would be the solution.

• Narelle chose to view our relationship as a garden, vs. the individual flowers (or weeds) this garden hosted, and in this light determined, with God as her cheerleader, to turn the garden’s weakness into its strength.

🤍

It would be easy to view this episode in a dark light: Narelle is married to a thoughtless, unromantic fool who deserves to be dumped (or at least confined to the dog house for year). Stop being such a rescuing co-dependent and dump him! But she knew this wasn’t the level of thinking (as justified as it might be) that would serve her, or us, the best.

She knew that sometimes an engine just needs a little priming (vs. purchasing a new car).

Dr. Wallace Goddard suggests we bring our forgiveness to our spouse’s weakness. So important! But Narelle went so much further. She brought her vision, her willingness to be the solution, her accountability and her love into a moment of pure magic- something I’ll never forget and will always seek to emulate.

I can be the solution. If my marriage garden is sick, I can bring the fertilizer and sunshine. If there is a weakness, I can invite the mighty hand of God into making it a strength.

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This is a crowning “piece” in the puzzle of marital love and happiness. In “Strengthening Your Friendship” we looked at how healing it is to take care of your spouses needs. In the section just above we talked about how it only takes one to re-choreograph the dynamics of your marriage. But “cherishing”, here toward the bottom IS at the bottom of it all.

The first thing you’ll read in the dictionary on this word is: “To protect and care for (someone) lovingly i.e. ‘He cared for me beyond measure and cherished me in his heart.’"

Seems pretty straightforward, until (as many marriages soon discover), one of your spouse’s greatest needs seems to conflict with one of your own greatest needs.

It can seem a paradox.

On one hand, we are to love our neighbor (featuring our spouse) as ourself or in other words to take care of him or her with a commitment equal to taking care of yourself.

On the other hand, in conflicting views and/or needs, it seems that one might have to acquiesce.

Recently I met with an amazingly beautiful, loving and spiritual couple. They were just married and felt blessed that God had led them to each other after very painful 1st marriages, but now- here they were with a problem regarding how to set up some policies and logistics regarding the household (with quite a few little ones still living at home, going back and forth between parents).

Before diving into their issue, we discussed the “Articles of Peace” and principles related to successful communication. But as soon as we started brainstorming, each became increasingly agitated and the meeting eventually ended, with one of them suddenly getting up walking out. It was a mess. Why?

Because the premiere “Article of Peace” (Underlying Trust) is easy to gloss over and so hard to master.

Even your best effort usually won’t work in discovering underlying trust (an ability to see beneath the insanity, to the loving person your spouse truly is). This is too hard to attain through human means. As the husband mentioned above said to me sometime after the meeting, “Only God- only His love and peace and healing power can replace our distrust with trust.” And all the communication skills in the world mean nothing without trust.

At the beginning of “Articles of Peace” I quote Dr. Victor Kline - "…new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills…won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals …develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart." - Dr. Victor Cline

This “softening” (for me, synonymous with trust) is foundational in working through what seem unsolvable impasses in points of views and needs.

It’s interesting how 1st Corinthians 13:7 describes the connection: Cherishing “…always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Let’s break this down:

Always protects - I will explore as many options as needed in discovering a way of taking care of your greatest needs (especially if our needs seem to conflict).

The number one way God needs me to serve Him is to serve you and to do all I can toward your happiness. Your happiness and therefore the strength in our marriage forms the epicenter for all other good either of us can do on this earth- with our kids, our friends, our community, and our world.

Always trusts - A criteria for marrying you was my knowledge that you have the same commitment. I don’t need you to have this commitment. I’m not campaigning for it, or insisting on it. I trust it. And because I do, I feel willing to give myself completely to you- to abandon trying to get you to take care of my needs and to take care of yours.

Always hopes - My belief in God’s goodness and grace fuels my hope that cherishing you is the right path- the path of trusting your love and putting my attention on giving my love.

Always perseveres - Even when there is little evidence that cherishing you is the best way to create peace and happiness in our marriage, I will put one foot in front of the other and continue to cherish and serve you.

Solving the paradox of conflicting views and impasses isn’t easy but it’s simple.

Forget about solving the problem right now. Put if off as long as long as you need to get first things first. Get with God. Ask Him to help you recommit to putting yours spouse’s needs first, above any other person in your life (including you). This is the flow of your service on earth- your spouse, first and above all.

Why?

Because a happy marriage is the stream that your children (and to a degree, the world around you) will drink from. This is why a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his spouse- not to get away from his parents- no- but to build something that can only be built between a man and woman who fully cherish each other.

Once you’ve put this question to rest (including in some cases going back and closing the back door again, but this time with steel and cement reinforcement)…once you’ve put this to rest you’ll be surprised how many ideas the two of you can receive, by inspiration, toward something that works for both of you.

Put your attention on the spiritual transformation required to fully cherish your spouse. In cherishing him or her, you have put God himself first and He will then fight your battles, or in other words- He will provide the inspiration and creativity needed to solve marital deadlocks.

A friend of mine recently shared a text she’d written to one of her best friends that was struggling with some big issues:

“What you're experiencing” she wrote to her friend “is a spiritual rebirth & purification process that will change your life & marriage for the highest & best good forever. It will take time & keeping your heart open. You can do this! Stay strong & trust God's plans for your life & future. I know this is a really, really, hard time...but after the trial of your faith & this tsunami of issues you're dealing with, there will be light breaking through the darkness- (a rainbow out beyond the perfect storm).” 🌈 🌠💞 Anon (Parenthesis added)

3 Categories

This material has been written for a wide gamut of readers- 1) couples who simply want to improve the good thing they have going, 2) couples who have hit a bump in the road and finally, 3) individuals who are in the very gall and terror of flight or flight i.e. “I need out!”

Considering the possibility that, in this 3rd category, you may not have gotten much of what I’ve written above, I’m including more along this line. I hope it’s helpful.

Please take a few deep breaths. Don’t do anything crazy. For now, just contemplate this information.

”The Perfect Storm” Meets “Closing The Back Door” - Flight Vs. Transcendence.

Even after talking about all we have, some of you might still feel driven by the idea that you must leave who you’re with to find the happiness you want.

For a moment, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you're right- but if you choose divorce, there is a path that will guarantee your success in future relationships. This same path will minimize the damage to your children's hearts. To choose any other path will invite a nightmare you do not want.

Here's the path of success in divorce: Master Couples GPS. Master everything in the course (www.pathofpeace.org/cgps). Head into it like your life depends on it, because in a karmic sense, it does.

Moreover, head into to these principles and practices like your kids are about to be shipwrecked- hanging on to little pieces of wood as they float through an ocean of questions & doubt the rest of their lives- because this is what happens. Divorce is a shadow which is ever looming in the lives our children, no matter their age. I know this from experience (as a child and a parent).

Most importantly, head into your mastery of these principles as if it was only you capable of doing so.  It only takes one to get this thing moving in the right direction. Believe me, it actually only takes one.

Once you feel complete in mastering this material, including a final probationary period with your spouse (along with personal coaching) then you’re ready to consider divorce.

Perhaps an even better barometer is this: Once you're not feeling an urgent need to divorce (and/or move on to someone else) and more so, once you feel like you actually still love your spouse- even though you've decided it's best to terminate your marriage, then you should consider a thoughtful, compassionate, careful, exit.

When To Divorce

Marriage is not a good solution to frustration, anxiety or loneliness. But divorce is not a good solution either.

Here's when to divorce- when your spouse is already gone. But you will only know if he or she is still breathing if you are still breathing. Fill your lungs with the breath of clarity, courage and hope by mastering the principles and guidelines in Couples GPS.  Then, with the clear vision this will create, you will be able to discern if your spouse (though discouraged, frustrated or seemingly checked out) is still in the game, or not.

In this state mind and peace of your heart, if you feel it would actually be the best, highest road, then you should move to divorce.

Not As Simple As It Sounds

I make the route to ending your suffering sound pretty straight forward. In decades of couples coaching however, I have rarely seen someone divorce in any different state of mind that the quail in the movie “Bambi.”

The universe isn't set up for panic or running from things. Until you fully face into the wind, you will continue to repeat whatever your Karma has already delivered. “Don’t fly!” the Quail’s friend’s pled. “Stand still.” Any attempt to run from your highest path (which is usually the one you’re running from) will only end in heartache.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not against divorce.  I'm against running.  Only you know what you're doing. So know! Stand still and feel the path of greatest opportunity that is before you (vs. the path of least resistance).

Face Into The Wind

Instead of running away from this almost unbearable relationship- consider turning yourself directly toward and even more deeply back into it this relationship- back to this person you resist so deeply. If, at the very height of your yearning to get free from who you see as the source of your pain- if in this very moment, you will put your arms around him or her and say, "I may not like you right now, but I'm here for you. And I will always love you. And I will come through for you however I can" - If you will do this, you will gain something and become someone that can only happen here and now, with him or her.

If in the moment of wanting to run, you can turn and say these words (at least in your heart) then it's in this moment you transcend. It's in this moment you have much more to give than you thought possible and a greater possibility for joy than you have ever imagined- not because your spouse rose to the occassion, but because you did.

This is the moment you were born for. Don't run. Come through for him or her. Master "Couples GPS." Secure a happy Karmic path and at the same time, ironically, enhance his or her ability to come through for you.    

“Don’t fly!  Whatever you do, don’t fly!”  But “the hunters are coming” the quail chanted. “They’re getting closer!”  (This marriage is killing me. I can’t take it. I must fly!).  

So she did fly.  That didn’t work out very well for her.  It never does.  Because whatever we run from, we run into.

In the Rocky Mountains, when storms come, they almost always brew from the west and roll out toward the east.

What cows do is very natural. They sense the storm coming from the west and so they start to try to run toward the east. The problem is that cows aren’t very fast.

So the storm catches up with the cows quickly. Without knowing any better the cows continue to try to outrun the storm. But instead of outrunning the storm they actually run right along with the storm- maximizing the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm!  Isn’t that stupid?

Humans do the same thing all of the time. We spend so much energy trying to avoid (or run from) challenges.

Buffalo (different from cows) wait for the storm to cross right over the crest of the peak of the mountaintop and as the storm rolls over the ridge, turn and charge directly into the storm.

Instead of running east, away from the storm, they run west, directly at the storm. By running at the storm they run straight through it, minimizing the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm.  (Inspired by Rory Vaden)

As Truman Madsen put it, "the only way out is through." Face into the storm! Face all that you want to run from in your marriage, for "the treasures you seek are in the cave you fear" - Joseph Campbell

The Hammer (Understanding Why You Want To Run)

Imagine that you’ve been been hitting yourself on the head with a hammer for the last 20 years or so. One day, you say to yourself “I’ve had enough of this crap” and throw the hammer away. Of course, it's a relief! But the hammer (or your relationship) was never the problem. What you did with it was the problem.

Your marriage to a man with narcissistic tendencies isn't the problem. Your lack of personal boundaries is the problem. Instead of gently leading him toward a relationship that works for you too, you built up resentment and your desire to “get out?” Why, because it was a bad hammer? No, because you’re no handling your hammer as you need to.

The hammer is what you do (how you handle your relationship). It is not your relationship. You could throw the hammer away (your husband), or you could stop beating and and yourself up with a relationship with unclear boundaries. Live in the 5 Centering Questions. Clarify your boundaries. Build a bridge. That’s what hammers are for- building processes and habits, (including clarifying your boundaries) that join your hearts together (vs. punishing yourself).  

Better to get some wood and nails (training and tools) and build a bridge with your hammer- a relationship that works for both of you, than to throw it away.  

Discernment Before Decision

There's an axiom- never go shopping when you're hungry. Good advice- otherwise you end up buying all kinds of stuff that may not line up with your highest self.  

Similarly, never consider divorce with strong feelings of wanting to run!  You will end up with a shopping cart full of blame, unconsciousness, self-justification, usually some regret, and eventually more of what you don't want (with someone else).

If you're involved with CGPS, chances are, you're in no frame of mind to make this kind of decision. Let's get you to peace first. Let's work together in getting your heart open. Only in peace- only with an open heart, can you discern if your spouse is sincere about wanting to make your marriage work.

Only in discernment is it time to make a decision.

Tending The Garden

In the final analysis, wisdom reveals that our spouses may never be everything we want or need them to be. As Natalie Clay puts it, "That's O.K." because the purpose of life isn't necessarily to get things our way- it is as the Mandalorian puts it, to be traveling “the way.”  It is living correct principles ourselves that brings so much of our happiness.  

With this in mind, how is it that you can come through for your spouse?

Think of the "Couples GPS" course as a class in "The Joy of Gardening", not the joy of flowers- the joy in gardening. What do I mean?  Put your attention on mastering every piece of this program. Put your attention on cultivating a situation, an emotional environment, a set of processes and rituals that are conducive to some of the the changes you'd like to see (in both of you). If any flowers grow in this garden- that's a bonus.  

For now, let your joy be in the gardening.  We'll take a look at your garden's yield later. It's much more important, for now, to get you gardening.  
 

The Rescue

I will start where I began: Don’t run. Stand still. Survey the damage. Go to work.

In 1988 there was a major earthquake that killed thousands in Armenia.  A little boy named Arman was at his elementary school at the time. 

Arman's father jumped in his Volkswagen bug and headed immediately to his son’s school.  

He broke through the yellow tape and knowing where his son’s class once was began clearing away rubble and cement. No one could discourage him from his commitment.  Without any break, he worked for 36 hours.

Finally, he heard a voice from beneath the hill of rubble he worked though, “Papa, is that you?” Arman, miraculously, was caught in little teepee shape of collapsed concrete with a handful of other students, all still alive.

Who is it that is buried beneath the rubble in your life? What will be the result of your commitment? I promise you, it will not just be him or her that will be saved. It is in your commitment to work through the rubble that you will become the greatest version of yourself.

As you continue to meditate on the above, if you’re still riddled with confusion, consider taking our survey which has much

Click here for survey (The survey has much of the same material above but inserts key questions)

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Life is filled with crash and burns, but here's the good news: How you feel as you leave this world isn't based on your score of failures vs. successes.

It is based on: 1) your willingness to keep getting up and trying again! and 2) your willingness to believe in a God who is cheering you on, lifting you up, and has even sent His Son to take upon Himself your mistakes so that your past is covered and your future is fully open.

This process of getting up and trying again (and trusting God’s strength along the way) is endless and makes life beautiful.

The fact that you are now reading this- the fact that you may have crashed and burned 10 or 20 times in a course of trying to improve your marriage and are still going!!? - that’s amazing! YOU are amazing.

33) Epilogue / Invitation

Reading the above “pieces of peace” is a wonderful start to your journey to a loving, fun, intimate marriage. Further reading in the Couples GPS course includes:

• Relationship Cleanse

• Managing “Incoming”

• Managing “Outgoing”

• Request List Protocol

• 6 Steps of Making Requests

• Love Seat (A Structured Conversation for Delicate Issues)

• “Getting to Know You” app and Private Retreats

• Path of Breakthrough (an amazing resource to support peaceful conversations)
  

To enroll in Couples GPS, please to go www.pathofpeace.org/cgps
For coaching (which we wholeheartedly recommend), go to pathofpeace.org/appointment

2013 Narelle & I in the Antarctic, navigating from the perfect storm to perfect peace. Yay! I’m so glad we have. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not blown away by how good a marriage can be. For Narelle & I, every day feels like Christmas.

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