Face Into the Wind
Dear participant,
“Couples GPS” was written for a wide gamut of readers:
1) couples who simply want to improve their marriage,
2) couples who have hit a bump in the road and finally,
3) individuals who are in the very gall and terror of flight or flight i.e. “I need out!”
But divorce just isn’t a good solution. Because it’s not about him or her. It’s about what your patterns and how you are contributing to these patterns. You can run all day long but you can’t get away from yourself. Tomorrow morning, you’ll look in the mirror and there’ll you’ll still be- a person who really just hasn’t quite put in the time, practice, prayer and consistency to master the principles of great marriage (at least from your end).
So let’s get you out of panic- out of fight and flight first, and fully into correct principles. Then we’ll talk about divorce. Never go shopping when you’re hungry, otherwise you end up buying all kinds of stuff that may not want. Never consider divorce when you’re hungry to escape! You could end up with a shopping cart full of remorse, or even worse: more of what you don't want with someone else.
Let's get you at peace first. Let's work together in getting your heart open. Only in peace- only with an open heart are you able to discern if your spouse is sincere about wanting to make your marriage work. Only in discernment is it time to make a decision.
Please take a few deep breaths. Don’t do anything crazy. For now, just contemplate this information.
Love,
John Canaan
”The Perfect Storm” meets “Closing the Back Door” - Flight vs. Transcendence.
It’s easy (almost natural) to feel that you must leave who you’re with to find the happiness you want.
For a moment, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you're right- but if you choose divorce, there is a path that will guarantee your success in future relationships. This same path will minimize the damage to your children's hearts (if you have children). To choose any other path will invite a nightmare you do not want.
Here's the path of success in divorce: Master Couples GPS. Master everything in the course (www.pathofpeace.org/cgps). Head into it like your life depends on it, because in a karmic sense, it does.
Moreover, (if you have kids) head into to these principles and practices like your kids are about to be shipwrecked- hanging on to little pieces of wood as they float through an ocean of questions & doubt the rest of their lives- because this is what happens. Divorce is a shadow which is ever looming in the lives our children, no matter their age. I know this from experience (as a child and a parent).
Most importantly, head into your mastery of these principles as if it was only you capable of doing so. It only takes one to get this thing moving in the right direction. Believe me, it actually only takes one.
Once you feel complete in mastering this material, including a final probationary period with your spouse (along with personal coaching) then you’re ready to consider divorce.
Perhaps an even better barometer is this: Once you're not feeling an urgent need to divorce (and/or move on to someone else) and more so, once you feel like you actually still love your spouse- even though you've decided it's best to terminate your marriage, then you should consider a thoughtful, compassionate, careful, exit.
Discernment
For now, how can you even assess who you’re married to and whether or not to leave him or her if you’re insane yourself?
First, fill your own soul with clarity, courage and hope. Then, with the clear vision this creates, discern where your spouse is truly at (even though he appears discouraged, frustrated or seemingly checked out) and/or if it’s possible to get on track.
Not as simple as it sounds
I make the route to ending your suffering sound pretty straight forward. In decades of couples coaching however, I have rarely seen someone divorce in any different state of mind that the quail in the movie “Bambi”
Panic and/or running from things will often lead you away from the very thing your soul needs the most. Because of this, until you fully face into the wind, you will only be facing a repeat of whatever your Karma has already delivered. “Don’t fly!” the Quail’s friend’s pled. “Stand still.”
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not against divorce. I'm against running. Because what you run from, you end up running into (and it usually gets worse with each attempt run). It’s just the way the universe works.
Don’t be like the quail. Things didn’t end well for her. Stand still and feel the path of greatest opportunity that could be before you- an opportunity to finally master the principles of personal boundaries, forgiveness, consistency and courage that are begging for your attention. Stand still and grow!
Face Into The Wind
Instead of running away from this almost unbearable relationship- consider turning yourself directly toward and even more deeply back into it this relationship- back to this person you resist so deeply. If, at the very height of your yearning to get free from who you see as the source of your pain- if in this very moment, you will put your arms around him or her and say, "I may not like you right now, but I'm here for you. And I will always love you. And I will come through for you however I can" - If you will do this, you will gain something and become someone that can only happen here and now, with him or her.
If in the moment of wanting to run, you can turn and say these words (at least in your heart) then it's in this moment you transcend. It's in this moment you have much more to give than you thought possible and a greater possibility for joy than you have ever imagined- not because your spouse rose to the occassion, but because you did.
This is the moment you were born for. Don't run. Come through for him or her. Master "Couples GPS." Secure a happy Karmic path and at the same time, ironically, enhance his or her ability to come through for you.
“Don’t fly! Whatever you do, don’t fly!” But “the hunters are coming” the quail chanted. “They’re getting closer!” (This marriage is killing me. I can’t take it. I must fly!).
So she did fly. That didn’t work out very well for her. It never does. Because whatever we run from, we run into.
In the Rocky Mountains, when storms come, they almost always brew from the west and roll out toward the east.
What cows do is very natural. They sense the storm coming from the west and so they start to try to run toward the east. The problem is that cows aren’t very fast.
So the storm catches up with the cows quickly. Without knowing any better the cows continue to try to outrun the storm. But instead of outrunning the storm they actually run right along with the storm- maximizing the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm! Isn’t that stupid?
Humans do the same thing all of the time. We spend so much energy trying to avoid (or run from) challenges.
Buffalo (different from cows) wait for the storm to cross right over the crest of the peak of the mountaintop and as the storm rolls over the ridge, turn and charge directly into the storm.
Instead of running east, away from the storm, they run west, directly at the storm. By running at the storm they run straight through it, minimizing the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm. (Inspired by Rory Vaden)
As Truman Madsen put it, "the only way out is through." Face into the storm! Face all that you want to run from in your marriage, for "the treasures you seek are in the cave you fear" - Joseph Campbell
The Hammer (Understanding Why You Want to Run)
Imagine that you’ve been been hitting yourself on the head with a hammer for the last 20 years or so. One day, you say to yourself “I’ve had enough of this crap” and throw the hammer away. Of course, it's a relief! But the hammer (or your relationship) was never the problem. What you did with it was the problem.
Your marriage to a man with narcissistic tendencies isn't the problem. Your lack of personal boundaries is the problem. Instead of gently leading him toward a relationship that works for you too, you built up resentment and your desire to “get out?” Why, because it was a bad hammer? No, because you’re no handling your hammer as you need to.
The hammer is what you do (how you handle your relationship). It is not your relationship. You could throw the hammer away (your husband), or you could stop beating and and yourself up with a relationship with unclear boundaries. Live in the 5 Centering Questions. Clarify your boundaries. Build a bridge. That’s what hammers are for- building processes and habits, (including clarifying your boundaries) that join your hearts together (vs. punishing yourself).
Better to get some wood and nails (training and tools) and build a bridge with your hammer- a relationship that works for both of you, than to throw it away.
Tending the Garden
In the final analysis, wisdom reveals that our spouses may never be everything we want or need them to be. As Natalie Clay puts it, "That's O.K." because the purpose of life isn't necessarily to get things our way- it is as the Mandalorian puts it, to be traveling “the way.” It is living correct principles ourselves that brings so much of our happiness.
With this in mind, how is it that you can come through for your spouse?
Think of the "Couples GPS" course as a class in "The Joy of Gardening", not the joy of flowers- the joy in gardening. What do I mean? Put your attention on mastering every piece of this program. Put your attention on cultivating a situation, an emotional environment, a set of processes and rituals that are conducive to some of the the changes you'd like to see (in both of you). If any flowers grow in this garden- that's a bonus.
For now, let your joy be in the gardening. We'll take a look at your garden's yield later. It's much more important, for now, to get you gardening.
The Rescue
I will start where I began: Don’t run. Stand still. Survey the damage. Go to work.
In 1988 there was a major earthquake that killed thousands in Armenia. A little boy named Arman was at his elementary school at the time.
Arman's father jumped in his Volkswagen bug and headed immediately to his son’s school.
He broke through the yellow tape and knowing where his son’s class once was began clearing away rubble and cement. No one could discourage him from his commitment. Without any break, he worked for 36 hours.
Finally, he heard a voice from beneath the hill of rubble he worked though, “Papa, is that you?” Arman, miraculously, was caught in little teepee shape of collapsed concrete with a handful of other students, all still alive.
Who is it that is buried beneath the rubble in your life? What will be the result of your commitment? I promise you, it will not just be him or her that will be saved. It is in your commitment to work through the rubble that you will become the greatest version of yourself.
Further Reading (Very Helpful)
1) “The Perfect Storm” & “Close The Back Door”
Click here to read sections 6 & 7 from CGPS.
2) Divorce Survey
Click here for the “Divorce” Survey & Meditation