Highlights:  Living Agreement 4 means asking God, daily, even hourly, to turn our little fits and attempts to control others into our willingness to live in the centering questions and to give what we feel is best to give.

Click here for Agreement 4 Blog "Hoping For Nothing"

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1) Prayerfully meditate on the “Favorite Things” Gift List. Click here.

Give one or more of these "Favorite Things" to one or more people
(spouse, family member, someone at work, one of your children etc.)  Let whoever you interviewed with this last week know how you did.  

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I will stand for you

Who in your life could you "stand for" even more? Who deserves the gift of your clarity, or your forgiveness, your encouragement or your seeking clarification etc.?

Remember "Hooked on Aerobics!" Choose your level of Homework,

Remember "Hooked on Aerobics!" Choose your level of Homework


Extra Homework Possibilities

1) With each interaction this entire week, ask yourself “Right now, am I giving, or am I trying to get?”

2) Give yourself a rating, from 1 to 10 on how controlling you are.  
Pick 3 other people to give you their rating (10 being the highest).  Give no definition- just get the number.

3) Keep a record of how many hours you can go just giving, or at least, not asking anyone for anything unless you know they are open to giving it.  How many hours can you stay in door 1. 

This includes no hinting, negative humor, trying offhandedly get a point across, or in someway trying to get your way in a situation where someone isn’t subscribing to your plan for their life.  In each situation where you find yourself trying to get your way (against someone else’s preference), a) start the clock over and b) determine, instead of your controlling behavior, what gifts you could give. 

4) Sing this song along with Bonnie and let go of control.  
Yes, it hurts (and there is that moment of feeling lost).  But by morning you will "feel the power."  For in closing the door to control, the door to true love opens.  Mourn with us for a moment then, in this song, but then lay down the weapons of your tendency to try to control others to get what you need.  Determine, rather, what kinds of gifts you can give (your "favorite things").  I Can't Make You Love Me

5) Do a “breakthrough” with the subject line being “My tendency to be controlling” or anything related to this.  See

6) Go to bed at least 2 nights this week listening to the Agreement 4 Affirmations (8 minutes).  Scroll to top of this page.

7) Extra Video, Just for singles
A "Relationship Talk" is defined as any conversation with an agenda attached.  These kinds of conversations don't usually go that well, as you'll see here: Relationship Talk

Effectively guiding someone requires your willingness to let him or her go. 

Without this willingness you will default to panic and control vs. inviting, being appropriately patient or any other “Favorite Things” gift.

You must be able and willing to completely love someone while at the same time give up on your need for his or love or approval.


I've included this video in Agreement 3 and 4:  *Agreement 3 is my willingness to stand for your life, for my life and for our relationship. *Agreement 4 is my loving exploration of the best way to guide you into something that works for both of us.

You will very rarely feel to turn over tables.  But if you do, from now on, it will not be because of your story or upset.  It will be because of your love and commitment.  It will be your gift.  


Suggested Reading & Recordings for Agreement 2, 3 and 4:

Bonds that Make Us Free  and Crucial Conversations

Click here to purchase "Oh My Soul." 

Click here to purchase Bonnie Rait's "I Can't Make You Love Me."   

Click here for John’s Notes on Boundaries